Badhaai Do: 'Lavender Marriages Not Ideal, But a Reality in India'

Don't judge the person, but society that forces people into lavender marriage, say members of the queer community.

Is it ideal? No. But is it a reality? Definitely, yes, say members of the LGBTQ community.

(Photo: Badhaai Do/Instagram)

In the trailer of 'Badhaai Do', Rajkummar Rao is seen playing a gay policeman, while Bhumi Pednekar a lesbian teacher – who get married to each other, so that their respective families get off their backs, and the protagonists move on with life. The film is releasing in theatres on Friday, 11 February.

The film explores what the LGBTQIA+ community calls a 'lavender marriage' – when a man and a woman, who are homosexual, enter a marriage of convenience, to seem like a heterosexual couple in the eyes of society.

Is it ideal? No. Can it be argued that the portrayal is regressive, considering we live in India where Section 377 has be struck down? Yes, maybe. But is it a reality in today's India? Definitely yes, say members of the queer community, speaking to The Quint, adding that those who enter such marriages do so because they have "no other choice."

'Still Not Easy to Come Out'

A 28-year-old media professional, who did not want to be named, reflects upon how it is still not easy to come out in India – even after the reading down of Section 377.

"Those who do not recognise this are simply ignorant," he says.

"While a lot of my friends have come out to their families, I still do not have that space. That is the case in a lot of households, whether you want to acknowledge or not. After you reach a certain age, it is expected that you marry and have children. When you are not out to family, it is also not easy to handle such pressures, day in and day out," he says.

Shruti Krishnan, a 30-year-old software professional, who identifies as a lesbian, too, is still not out to her family yet. She lives with her partner, and is "currently gathering courage" to come out to her parents.

"I almost got married to someone when I was 25, because I was still in denial. I now think about how I could have ruined their life. I come from a normal middle-class household and I have to think about my younger sister's future, before coming out. Every day, I wake up with an alliance in my inbox – and I must say that the thought of lavender marriage has crossed my mind once or twice," says Krishnan, whose parents live in a coastal town in Tamil Nadu.

Is Portrayal Of Lavender Marriages Regressive?

The film is also releasing at a time when the Delhi High Court is hearing a batch of petitions seeking legal recognition for same-sex marriage – and some argue that such portrayal of 'lavender marriage' is 'regressive'.

Many people from within the queer community question the messaging, saying that popular culture should now make "extra effort" to normalise same-sex relationships, and not popularise ways out of it.

In an interview with Hindustan Times, Harshavardhan Kulkarni, Director of Badhaai Do, defends the premise:

“Lavender marriage is a compromised reality for our characters. Coming from traditional middle-class households, this is their solution to have some sort of control over their lives. The film does not espouse lavender marriage as a solution or escape, rather it focuses on the circumstances that lead to this kind of an arrangement between adults who find it difficult to come out to their families."

Rudra Das, a lecturer, in a Mumbai college, says that while not ideal solution to get away from family, it is a safer option for many – especially lesbian women.The 28-year-old media professional also adds, "A marriage is something that concerns two people. When there is no deception involved, and if two queer people are going to benefit out of each other, it is frankly nobody's business but theirs."

"Things are changing, but it is not changing as fast as you would like it to. For a lot of lesbian women, lavender marriage is a safe space – to get out, to live, and to simply be themselves, away from the watchful eyes of their extended family," says Das, adding that it is more prevalent than one thinks it is.

In an ideal world, she adds, society is accepting of same-sex relationships, and there would be no difference in the manner in which the couples are treated.

'Marriage on Paper is No Joke'

While lavender marriage may be a 'marriage' just on paper, it could have serious ramifications, says a queer lawyer, who did not want to be named.

"It is so important to consider the legal ramifications when you enter a lavender marriage. What happens to your assets? What happens when you inherit something from your parents? What happens when you find someone you like, and would like to move in with them instead? If you would want to separate, would they create trouble for you," says the lawyer, adding that there are so many things to consider, and is not as easy as it sounds.

Krishnan adds that she does not know if anyone is "truly happy" in a lavender marriage, because they are "not being themselves" and are still living two lives.

"In India, marriage is a lot about functioning as a unit. If you are succumbing to lavender marriage due to societal pressure, are you ready to deal with everything else together as a 'couple'? Because let's be honest, it is not like everyone is going to forget you and your 'spouse' after the three-day wedding. What happens then? Will your actual partner be okay with it. Where will this end," Das lists the practical difficulties in a lavender marriage.

'Judged by Privileged'

Das also argues that while we are fighting petitions seeking recognition of same-sex marriage in courts, we should also realise that things will "truly change" for the community only when there is societal acceptability.

"We could take 10 steps forward. But there is a person, and their immediate family which has not even taken one," Das says, adding that members of the community and the allies, should constantly strive to create awareness that will initiate positive change.

"We all want to be married to people we love. Don't judge someone who is entering a lavender marriage, but society that is forcing them to. We must understand this before jumping into conclusions. It is like judging a person for not coming out. You don't know their story," says the queer lawyer, who is not out in his law firm yet.