Greetings hairless apes aka humans! It’s me your friend, The Big G, the only journalist in heaven, the same one you bow to, pray to, and then drown.
But fear not, being immortal has its advantages, and I will be here long after you humans evolve into something less annoying and less idiotic. You say I’m being too harsh? No. Out here in heaven there is a popular saying, “If there’s nothing wrong with it, give it to mankind, they won’t do anything right with it”.
And believe me, its true, right from your Neanderthal versions to your current two-faced versions. We taught you how to make fire to keep warm and dispel darkness and the next thing we know is that you started to burn each other, and more useful things like trees and animals.
Then, the Gods of invention decided to teach you how to make a wheel, and the next thing we see is that you started crushing people under it and yoking unsuspecting animals to pull your wheels for you.
I mean why should another living being carry your burden? If you can’t carry your own load, it means you are overweight and believe me with all the sweets I eat, I know fat.
By this time it had become an ego issue for each of the Gods to be able to boast of at least one thing they could claim to have taught the humans. The God of love went a little overboard in his enthusiasm. He didn’t just restrict himself to teaching humans how to make love, he managed to get humans to love material things more than each other. As a result, we have humans who love money more than their families, they love international boundaries more than human lives, I heard some idiots went so far as to try and sell their kidneys for cellphones!
They should probably try peeing through their cellphones. I kept telling the Holy Trinity that they should flavour the primordial soup of creation with humans but they decided that the dinosaurs would be tastier, so bye-bye dinosaurs.
Initially, we Gods figured out that giving brains to humans would make our lives easier, but look what a disaster that has turned out to be. According to the latest earth census the main occupation of more than 99% of humans is to lust or work towards something someone else has while forgetting what they already have.
Commodity Fetishism was what one of your wiser guys called it, that desire for objects which makes you forget your own value. I think his name was Marx or something – nice chap, except that he started a Communist Party in heaven and got reincarnated as a worker ant. According to the Trinity, they are the only true communists with the red ants being senior party officials.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, according to the current heavenly sentiments, humans have now evolved to a stage where their headquarters have slipped into their hindquarters and it’s just a matter of time before they slip out completely. Don’t lose all hope though, there are a few good blokes out there on earth but for every decent fellow who is trying to help mankind you have one chap who stuck his privates into a dead pigs mouth or another one who wants eternal life in heaven but wants to kill while on earth.
Figure it out if you can, while you can, and start cleaning up the mess we inadvertently created. Also, before I sign off for the week, I’d like to thank all of you who fed me sweets during the recent Big G celebrations and the next time you immerse me please do it in a way that my head is the last thing you see before I go under. I’d like to go down with some dignity. See ya and Bless you if you deserve it!
Yours etc,
The Big G – The Only Journalist in Heaven
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