We’re at the halfway point of the IPL, which is a bit like being half-way through an insufferable wedding where you’re constantly being told: “We’re having some technical difficulties, the food will be served shortly, thanks for your patience.” You just want it to be over with, you start to become resentful, and you promise yourself you’ll never go to another wedding again.
Watching the IPL in 2016 is more a test of human endurance than watching a cricket tournament. It is the sporting equivalent of Man vs Food: who can watch the most cricket over a period of two months, without their body reverting to a catatonic state?
Anyone who watches all sixty matches from start to finish should win a prize: a lifetime’s supply of prozac. It is a television show to be watched for the whole family: the housewives love the Bollywood stars, the kids love the idea of Dwayne Bravo and MS Dhoni playing together, and the pervy uncles love the cheerleaders.
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1. The less said about the commentary, the better.
Before I wrote this article, the commentary was barely tolerable. Now, it seems that they’ve upped the ante: every time a fielder comes within ten feet of the ball, it’s a Free Charge Bolt Moment. I’m no marketing expert, but if Yes Bank feel that their brand is best advanced not by competitive rates, or even by installing espresso machines in your local branch, but rather by Laxman Sivaramakrishnan getting excited by a Yusuf Pathan top-edged six over cow corner, then good luck to them.
(Also by the author: IPL Commentary And The Art Of Selling Yourself Short)
2. India has over 500 million women, and not a single one has complained about Chris Gayle, yet.
By a distance, this is his most impressive achievement so far this IPL. Also, Chris Gayle now has a daughter. He has named her ‘Blush’, according to his Instagram. Either this is an ill-advised joke, or an ill-advised life choice. Either way, I’m left wanting to shake my head in disbelief at the bone-headed lunacy, but at the same time I feel like standing to applaud Gayle for the commitment to his impression of a West Indian Donald Trump.
3. I watch a lot of nature documentaries and I’m fairly certain that Shivil Kaushik’s action is inspired by the mating ritual of the Amazonian tree frog.
4. This is the most competitive IPL so far. The favourite to win this edition changes with each match, and this is thanks to the talent redistribution following the temporary dissolution of both Chennai Super Kings and Rajasthan Royals respectively.
You wouldn’t be surprised to see any team lift the IPL trophy at the end of May, apart from Chennai Super Kings, perhaps.
5. There are still no Pakistani players in the IPL, and nobody wants to talk about it. Shahid Afridi, Shoaib Akhtar, Mohammed Hafeez and others played in the IPL’s first edition 2008. There has been a lot of political ‘manoeuvring’ from the BCCI in Pakistan’s direction, in the same way that you could say that putting your foot on someone’s throat is just ‘manouevring’ the phlegm out of their windpipe.
It is a discussion that is emotionally-charged and does not lend itself to objectivity and rationality, particularly as we have very little first-hand evidence as to the BCCI’s motives. We have plenty of supposition and rumours, but no cold, hard facts. Regardless, the IPL would be much richer for the sub-plots and general chaos that would come with reintroducing the Pakistanis. As it stands, some of the best T20 cricketers in the world are being excluded, through no personal fault of their own.
We have an IPL where Ramiz Raja is allowed to commentate and Wasim Akram is allowed to coach, but neither would be allowed to play. Yes, it is a complex situation. But it is one that has drifted along for seven years, without adequate resolution or information. As it stands, it is cricket’s silent apartheid.
Nishant Joshi is a cricket writer and a doctor. He tweets @AltCricket and hosts a weekly podcast at soundcloud.com/RadioCricket.
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