On Kejriwal’s Birthday, Why Our Nayak Deserves More Than Delhi

On Arvind Kejriwal’s birthday, Atulya Mahajan wonders why the Delhi CM has chosen usual political theatrics.

Dear Kejriwal Sir,

I have written so many open letters to you over the years that I am beginning to get a mild stalker feel, like SRK from Darr. But then I look at you and feel inspired. You know a thing or two about one-way communication, don’t you, you proud chief minister of the state/union territory of Delhi?

In fact, you inspire my son as well. I keep telling him to study hard and focus on his manners, or else he will end up like you. Works like a charm.

But let’s talk about more important things.

It’s your birthday!

A great man who has given so much to the Indian aam aadmi. I meant entertainment. (What’s your trick? If I try tweeting while at work, the boss would come and grab me by the ears. How do you manage to do it all day? You’re so lucky. Kya naseeb hai aapka. Tee hee. Sorry couldn’t resist.)

The good news is you’ve finally outdone yourself and become a true politician. Raising caste debates in Gujarat to milk the Patel/dalit vote-banks. Using Delhi government money to fund your ambitions in other states.

Bringing down the political debate to the level of the aam aadmi, the one BC-MCing his neighbour who parks his car in front of his house. All nice gestures that can only lead to your final goal – more Twitter followers than Modi. Because isn’t that the path to world domination?

Delhi’s ‘Nayak’

You, Sir, remind me of Anil Kapoor from Nayak. The man who ended corruption in India on the silver screen. The man who didn’t care for his life, but made India a developed country overnight. The man who didn’t think twice before suspending all corrupt officers. The one who arrested the former chief minister without caring about consequences.

Of course, you may have done none of it so far, but we understand.

That was a movie. This is real life. Where everybody is determined to not let you do your job. From Delhi Police, which spends its time NOT maintaining law and order so that you fail in your mission, to our Prime Minister who keeps flying to other nations (because he is so scared of you, duh.) where he plots ways to stop you from your good deeds.

Sinister Modi

This Modi is really sinister. We all know how much you love watching movies, so he gets the biggest torrent sites shut down. What is this nonsensical, psychopathic, Neanderthal (this is where I reach the limits of my GRE knowledge) behaviour from the tyrannical man who doesn’t let you do your job properly? If the aam aadmi needs to spend 500 rupees every weekend at PVR, how will he buy the overpriced dals Modi is selling?

Our Usual Neta

I have only one request to make. Please do not get disheartened by people who call you bad names. The people who call you a hypocrite. A troll. An anarchist. A classless power-hungry maniac. Ignore those losers.

So what if you banned dharnas around your home? Even I can’t enjoy my movie time if there are loudspeakers blaring outside. So what if you renamed flyovers in Delhi after Punjabi legends, or made Punjabi a mandatory language in Delhi schools, all to appeal to the Punjabi votebank? So what if you spent more hours in FM recording studios than in your office?

So what if you started with ‘all my MLAs are handpicked epitomes of innocence’ and have reached a level where many of them have been proven to be, sorry to say, frauds? Politics mein thoda to chalta hai.

Of course one has to do all this to win elections.

Reigning at National Level

We need to realise that giving you just Delhi (that too without control of Delhi Police) is not enough to end corruption. We need to give you more. More states. The Centre. The World Bank. A judge spot on Jhalak Dikhla Ja. Your canvas is too small right now and you are a large canvas player. You are like Rohit Sharma. No time for small scores in petty matches. We shouldn’t make it an issue if you need to spend some Delhi taxpayer’s money to buy a larger canvas.

But what all did I get into? I just wrote for one purpose. It’s your birthday.

I can only wish you a happy birthday from the depths of my heart. I would love to buy you vouchers for more Vipassana courses. For some reason, Delhi seemed more relaxed when you were away. Even the pollution was under control. Noise pollution, I meant.

PS: If I can ask a favour, can you please post a review of Mohenjo Daro? Hrithik looks really nice in the trailers, no?

(Atulya Mahajan is the author of two novels, his latest being a political satire called Democrazy. He can be reached at @amreekandesi)

The views expressed above are the author’s own. The Quint neither endorses nor is responsible for the same.

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