Amidst the Gujarat Upheaval, an Open Letter to Hardik Patel

Thank you for telling India that hard-work is for fools, writes Atulya Mahajan in his letter to Hardik Patel.

Dear Hardik bhai,

Young age can make us do silly things. I remember when I was your age, I was slogging my butt off to do well at my engineering college and fulfil the purpose of my life – a job at an IT company. Burning the midnight oil, if you like. I can see you know a thing or two about burning.

But that’s not all. Before that, I had slogged even more to get into engineering college, starting coaching from class 11 in single-minded pursuit of that elusive IIT. I gave up my interests and hobbies. I gave up sports. Tayal sir and Geeta ma’am became my icons instead of Tendulkar and Ganguly. I would attend coaching classes in the evenings and spend my weekends in temples for hours hoping for that extra edge.

How misguided I was.

Thank you for showing the light. Thank you for telling India that hard work is for fools. The smart people can just mobilise a crowd of lakhs and threaten governments into giving a quota. Why spend time working hard to become successful when you can burn a few buses instead?

You know, I used to think that Russell Peters ruined the name Hardik (along with Ramandeep) forever for me until you came along and made the name relevant again. Now everybody is only talking about Hardik Patel, the 22-year-old who has raised the all-important topic of reservation for Patels, the most downtrodden successful community in India.

So what if Patels are among the most prominent business communities in India? So what if little Patel kids are teeming all over small towns in Edison, living the American dream? So what if Patels are far from being a backward community? This is actually living up to the entrepreneurship spirit. Why bother working hard for education or jobs when a rally and rioting does the job?

You, sir, are an inspiration.

I understand that your supporters set fire to police stations and state roadways buses and people died in Ahmedabad because of this peaceful form of protest, but you mustn’t let any guilt settle for this small matter. Collateral damage surely for a greater good. The Center must agree to your demands. I fully support the demands of all Patels for reservations.

I may have crossed the age to aspire for a government job but thanks to you lighting this spark inside me, I am already planning on leading a march of all Mahajans to the PM’s house demanding reservation for our community and expressing our disappointment at his reluctance to give the Patels what is rightfully theirs. I have already been offered support from the Majumdars who will be joining us in large numbers.

Now nothing can stop us. My boy will go to IIT without having to slog as much as his father did. He will make it to IIM without having to sweat through DI and GD coaching sessions. If he feels like becoming an IAS babu, he will get a fine office, a government bungalow and five people running behind him. Easy, like wearing Amul Macho underwear.

This is called empowerment, and about time we get what is rightfully ours.

Mahajans have always been a backward community. After so many years of working I haven’t even been able to afford a nice Mercedes. If that is not a travesty, what is? The fact that our TV is a mere 46 inches reminds me of my pathetic economic condition every day. How will our children be able to walk with their heads held high in such circumstances? We must get reservation. We need reservation to climb out of our mediocrity. It is our right, and we shall get it.

Thank you Hardik. You don’t just look much older than your 22 years but you’ve actually taught me a most valuable lesson way beyond your years and inspired me to take remedial action after being held back by this oppressive society for so many decades.

Now if you could just help with some details. We Mahajans have spent our lives writing entrance exams so none of us has any experience burning police stations or buses. How much petrol to use? Can we use diesel (much cheaper, and I imagine we’d need it in large quantities)? Do we light it with a matches or would a lighter be preferable? How to pick the most combustible bus?

The logistics are a bit daunting but I am sure some Google search might be able to provide answers. Till then, you please keep showing India the way. I can’t wait for the day when all communities would be under the reserved quota and we would all live happily ever after.

Of course, I must warn the government that if they don’t accept our demands, we would be moving our entire vote-bank of 4577 votes to some other party. I may even put out an offer on OLX. Purana jayega, tabhi to naya aayega?

(Atulya Mahajan is the author of two novels, his latest being a political satire called Democrazy.)