Chintan Upadhyay’s Diary Reflects His ‘Troubled State of Mind’

Chintan Upadhyay’s personal diary gives away a lot about his state of mind and his failing marriage with Hema

Arrested artist Chintan Upadhyay’s personal diary, which the Mumbai police have attached as evidence against him in the chargesheet filed in the Hema Upadhyay and Haresh Bhambani double murder case recently, sheds light on Chintan’s ‘troubled relationship’ with the slain installation artist, and their “exhausting” divorce battle. Chintan, in the diary, terms Hema as “abusive and hysterical,” saying that she was so career-centric that she never sought love. The diary shows how Chintan was tired of the relationship, defended his pornographic sketches and worried about the art world’s reaction on the criminal complaint filed by Hema against him.

In the forty-page diary, Chintan has complained about how Hema had double standards, and never believed in the issues she represented. He goes on to say that Hema was insensitive to people “below her level” and that she always used people, even her friends, for her personal gain. He added that he felt that even he was only a counsellor to her, someone to help her make the right career choices.

How can an artist who talks about migrants, shows concern about labour, be so inhuman? Actually, she always uses these issues, but never believes in them. That’s why she abused our driver and domestic help every day. She made that Dharavi installation, but she never went inside Dharavi. I remember she used to say that I am selfish. She never loved me. I never felt loved

Chintan Upadhyay (a diary entry)

Probably preparing his list of complaints for the couple’s divorce petition, Chintan jotted twenty three points in his diary, some of which were as follows:

- She forced me to take her to Mumbai. In fact, she has tickets already reserved.
- Because of moving, our expenses jumped. We had to buy everything, also transportation and phones cost went up. For some time, we had to use a stove, took loans from friends.
- Fights and abuses on the street
- Abusive to my staff and me in my own studio
- She was constantly travelling for many shows in India and abroad and discarded me and house from her routine.
- Driver – She wanted to throw him for no reason, also tried to put a police complaint.
- She started not to inform me when her family comes to Mumbai

In another list of eleven complaints, Chintan wrote,

Hema was short tempered, hysterical, and even physically abusive. She used filthy language and had a foul mouth. “I asked her to rethink and came together, forgetting everything. But we had lost love and attraction. There was no intimacy and only had talks about her professional insecurities. We did not have any physical connection since her professional insecurities had taken every part of our life. Her bitterness for everything just grew.

Chintan Upadhyay (a diary entry)

Talking further about the court case, Chintan wrote that he was totally tired with the case and mused how Hema was willing to devote so much time to it.

A court case can make a person into an animal who is wild and just wants to kill. In most cases, animals attack in a way that they themselves should not get hurt. But human is the only animal that can destroy self to destroy other. And the purpose is very clear.

Chintan Upadhyay (a diary entry)

In the diary, Chintan also mentioned a mediation session ordered by the court during their divorce proceedings. He noted that during the session, Hema was behaving too regressively for a “so-called successful feminist artist.” He wrote that Hema cried before the mediator saying that she wanted her husband back. She told the mediator that she lives alone, and people think she is a prostitute, send her letters and messages. She also added that she was over forty years of age, and wouldn’t be able to find someone else to marry.

I was thinking of the art world all the time. What would they say on this? The bad luck of mine was the mediator was thinking like her. The mediator told me to forgive her, that the divorce case can take ten more years. If I don’t go back to Hema, my life will go running to courts. But I don’t love her. I don’t trust her at all after this case. I don’t want to go to my own house. I feel she can put any other case like rape or domestic violence or something. I told the mediator clearly that now, it is impossible.

Chintan Upadhyay (a diary entry)

Defending himself against the criminal complaint registered by Hema where she had accused Chintan of drawing pornographic sketches in her room, Chintan wrote that Hema had forgotten that she had gifted him four pornographic books which she had bought for him from a trip to Japan, and that since their courtship days in college, Hema was aware that the theme of Chintan’s work was mainly sexuality in India. “I am anyway vulnerable to express my ideas in public and showing them against taboos in India. She, as an artist, has a responsibility. But she used open ends of interpretations against me,” Chintan complained.

In another entry, Chintan expressed that he felt that Hema wanted to destroy everything between them. He added that he hadn’t done anything wrong to her since their separation; however, she was always ready to fight with him.

Every time I think about the future, I feel uncertain. How come I became so? This is exactly what Hema wanted to do to me or worse than this. I have lost control over many things. I don’t sleep on time, don’t read. When I try to work, I can’t. I feel weak. I feel exhausted. I feel something dead inside me. Sometimes I feel how I laugh. It’s been long when a laugh gave happiness to my heart. Anyway, somehow I have to discipline myself and start finding a way. I hope I do it. I hope I can remove all negativity and make a happy environment.

Chintan Upadhyay (a diary entry)

Chintan, in his diary, also expressed how he was disgruntled with the art world since they did not stand in his support after Hema registered the complaint against him, while Hema’s galleries continued to display her work. He wrote that he felt victimised by the creative world’s reaction to their affair.

Not a single help or support came to me to say that she is wrong for charging me for obscenity. That was shocking. Only close friends helped me. I don’t trust Indian art people. I can feel and see their double standards. Her galleries are still supporting her. I feel like a victim. Why this victimisation? Why can’t I do art which reflects sexuality? Why I should do subtle works? Why, why?

Chintan Upadhyay (a diary entry)

The Mumbai police believe that it is this troubled relationship, the disturbed state of Chintan’s mind following it, that led him to plot his estranged wife and her lawyer’s murders. The police have also attached copies of a few sketches drawn by Chintan to highlight his mental state.