This Diwali, Try Some Meatilicious Mithai Recipes

Say goodbye to the usual mithais and bite into some scrumptious meaty mithais.

It is now Diwali, 2016. A generation of humans across the Indian subcontinent are turning into zombies, thanks to a 33-year build-up of Diwali cracker toxins.

Symptoms of Zombity

One of the ‘major symptoms’ of the ‘Zombity’ is a sudden and intense desire to binge on Diwali mithais, laced with human meat. The other symptom is to captionise in bold italic.

I’ve been hunting for over a week now. I’ve managed to gather a couple of celebs, some famous, some not so much (hey! it’s hard to find pollution free, toxin free bodies). They’re hanging (I meant hanging by a hook, not hanging out) in my freezer.

I’d like to share a few mithai recipes with you, before you turn into ‘Dizombies’ (Diwali Zombies. I know the name sucks, it’s one of the symptoms).

Zombyum – White Dish with Johnny Gaddaar

• Place a piece of Neil Nitin Mukesh’s che(brea)st on a pan, add water and bring to boil. Simmer until cooked, drain and tear into fine threads.
  
• Moisten rice-flour (5 tbs) with milk.
  
• Pour milk (5 cups) into a pan with cream (3 cups), sugar (2 cups) and salt (2 tsp) and bring to boil.
  
• Pour moistened rice flour into the pan and beat vigorously over low heat.
  
• Add #JohnnyGaddarPieces little by little after it begins to thicken and beat vigorously until really thick.
  
• Let cool, garnish with cocoa powder, cinnamon and almonds. *Can also use chicken. But then, same difference).
  

Manmohan Motichur

• Make a flowing, lump-free gram flour batter infused with saffron.
  
• Heat oil in a large pan to moderate heat, pour the batter onto a perforated ladle above the pan to make the ‘motichur’.
  
• Fry the little balls until golden (remove when the oil stops sizzling).
  
• Drain the oil and pour the ‘motichur’ into hot sugar syrup (1 thread consistency).
  
• Clarify Manmohan Singh’s bone marrow (remove from spine) and emulsify slowly into cream. Add to condensed milk (1 cup) and khoya( 1 cup) and fold well.
  
• Stuff the mixture into the centre while making the motichur into laddus.
  
• Tip: Grease hands with ghee to make the laddus. *Store excess bone marrow (since he’s never used his spine) for making additional batches later.
  

Smoked Sambha Jaggery-Crunch Bar

• Smoke Sambha meat (can alternate with any other Gabbar Singh crony) with pine-wood, infused with cinnamon strips for a spicy wooden aroma.
  
• Use salt smoked with mango wood to cure the meat.
  
• Dunk cured strips in jaggery boiled to one two strand consistency, roll them over unsweetened khoya, peanuts and crystallised honey.
  
• Eat whenever bored or serve with a scoop of salt and pepper ice cream.
  
• *Tastes just like bacon, coz, you know…Soooar Ke Bachchon!’
  

That’s all I have for now. Hope you have a sumptuous Diwali, especially since it’ll be your last, as a human, at least. But, if you’re one of the lucky, uninfected ones; try out the recipes without the meat. They’ll work just as well. And, DO let me know where you live.

love, Dizombie_1

(Vikram Venkateswaran is a freelance writer, TV producer and media consultant. Headings, titles and captions are his kryptonite. He lives in Madurai and is occasionally struck by the feeling that the city likes him back.)