I don’t want to make outrageous claims about Facebook completely distracting me, but lately I've been spending a lot of time figuring out what dessert I would be in Bulgaria. Now, not that that’s not the kind of information I want (because I need that in my life) but with the attention span of a millennial who has a notification pop up, I can’t seem to concentrate on much.
This is largely also because of the Facebook videos that we've all been – voluntarily but mostly not – subjected to over the course of time.
I am talking about wedding videos. This wedding-video-making thing spurned an entire industry that is dedicated to making a guy, a girl and the entire process of getting married into a gigantic Bollywood production. After watching too many of them – way more than the recommended intake – I seem to have noticed a pattern.
I tell you how most of them pan out. Though it’s not really a mystery.
The Beginning
To start off, you will have a shot of the couple’s hands walking into the sunset. This is usually a pre-wedding shoot done before the actually wedding and the sole purpose of this is to make both the individuals involved extremely uncomfortable.
Since this is possibly the most physical interaction between the two, this part is mostly cringe-worthy. Add to this the fake laughter, the boy heaving under the girl’s weight while picking her up and a shot of the boy proposing – and the pre-wedding shoot is good enough for everyone to collectively smile awkwardly at each other.
The Opening Shot
The wedding video must start with a drone shot. This is a must.
In the book of ‘Wedding Video Photography 101’ they mention this in the first line. The name of the company (their two seconds of fame) should appear in bold letters now. That done, it’s time to get down to business.
Before They Say I Do
Drone shot done, now is the time for a video of all the decor. Every wedding now has some quirky elements and these must be zoomed into. This is to establish the character of the people getting married. Look how different they are!
If you look closely, you can spot the fathers standing behind these decor elements crying for having to pay for a cycle with flowers on it.
Funky and Functioning
To cover the wedding, first you want the bride and the groom to say something about each other. This is all positive things because really, nobody wants to talk about how the guy leaves his underwear on the floor in these videos. (I think that would be fun but no one else seems to enjoy my humour.)
If the mehendi function is the first thing to happen, then at this point, close up shots of the mehendi will appear. This will be interspersed with people dancing but not too much because hey, sangeet is coming up.
Dancing Queens
For the sangeet, first the bride and groom walk in. Then, they dance badly, with at least one of them forgetting the steps and thankfully stepping off stage so the cheesy romantic number can end.
Then, the cousins, the parents and the friends start performing. It is a must to show this in slow motion. You must show an old uncle, drunk out of his mind gyrating badly, a little later.
Wed Me Great
For the wedding, ensure you have shots of the the bride’s jewellery, her lehengas hanging in the most unlikely place (like over a gutter or something), and don’t forget to take picture of her shoes because that’s everything.
On the groom’s end, you want to take pictures of his clothes, and then him wearing his clothes. I know some photographers wanted to try this for the bride but that didn’t go too well.
One picture of the bride with her girlfriends in sunglasses, pouting is M-A-N-D-A-T-O-R-Y.
Once the wedding starts, soulful music comes on and random closeups of the hands, the rice or any other thing will show up. I firmly believe that the photographers get extra food from the buffet if they capture tears in the eyes of the girl – even if it is from the smoke or from the fact that someone has stepped on her Prada handbag.
The drone makes a comeback once the wedding is done, so we can zoom out and go as far away as we can from this madness.
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(Mansi Shah is founder of the blog Damsel in Destress which reviews experiences as varied as spas, books and plays. Mansi is, by her own admission, “clueless” at 30 with an easy penchant for humour.)
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