Hello Puny Humans! Let Big G Tell You How Your World Was Created

Greetings, puny humans! I have 108 names but you can call me the Big G or Ganesha – the only journalist to have made it to heaven, but what’s the point of being a God and staying in heaven if you humans are constantly allowed to pester us? Lord Yama is much better off, no one ever bothers him with pleas and requests.

Today, I will tell you about Lord Brahma and the creation of your world. Yes, it was a mistake and the celestial auditors hauled up the Big 3 but we are not allowed to talk about that.

How Vishnu Became the Preserver

The only sound in the entire universe was that of Lord Vishnu snoring. He was a heavy sleeper, and why not? There was no universe, no day, no night, no creatures mortal or divine. Other than his pet snake Ananta and the timeless ocean of milk, Lord Vishnu was leading a purely ornamental existence. (Mind you, he did try his hand at a few hobbies – “Origami with Snakes” being one of his favourites, and to his credit he did knot and fold his pet snake into a huge waterbed – but since there was nothing else to fold and knot after that, Lord Vishnu lay on his king-sized snake-cum-bed and snored away till the Big Bang happened and roused him.)

Now, when you or me are woken up, the first thing that we do is rub our eyes or scratch ourselves awake, but as soon as Lord Vishnu woke up, he put his finger inside his navel. Don’t ask me why he did what he did, maybe he had an itch or maybe that’s what Gods do, but as soon as he pulled his finger out, a lotus emerged from his navel.

Just a word of caution for all of you humans – in case you ever find flora or fauna coming out of your navel, it is high time you took a bath with a strong anti-bacterial soap. This warning is only for humans not for us Gods.

Lord Vishnu’s first reaction on seeing the lotus was to sniff it, but his pet snake Ananta stopped him from doing so. Since snakes have no navels of their own, Ananta was naturally suspicious of that particular hole.

“Throw it away, who knows what lies inside!” hissed Ananta, when suddenly the lotus opened and a godly form with a white beard and black hair jumped out.

“Lord, I think this fellow has come to play KBC! I’ve had visions of the future and I’ve seen this old man with his white beard and black hair decide the fortunes of humans,” whispered Ananta.

“Maybe so, but why was he in my navel dockyard” said Lord Vishnu, and then turning to the bearded being, “What brings you here ? And, more importantly, from where did you manage to get inside my navel?”

“Greetings, My Lord! I am Brahma, the Creator. Thank you for scratching your navel instead of any other orifice. Since you are the first one to have used your finger right after the Big Bang, you are the winner of the ‘Fastest Finger First Contest’ and will now onwards be known as the Preserver” said Lord Brahma.

“What a stroke of luck!” thought Lord Vishnu. “Who would have ever thought that scratching one’s belly button would make me the Preserver of the universe? This is the mother of all scratch and win contests!” Aloud he said, “Thank you – however, the only thing here other than me and you is my king-sized snake-cum-bed Ananta, and since he changes his upholstery regularly, there is nothing much for me to preserve. I think I had better go back to sleep.”

Now, Lord Brahma hadn’t spent an eternity sitting on a lotus inside a navel to hear these words. “Hold on, hang on for a bit, let me think” he said, and he started concentrating so hard that the timeless ocean of milk started boiling and Ananta the snake started jumping around. Now I know all of us at some point of time have jumped on beds, but here it was his bed that was jumping and Lord Vishnu wasn’t too happy about it.

“Hey Brahma Old Chap, should you put your thoughts into actions, make your thoughts your sons, let them do your work. Delegation is the key, my fellow God, and then you and I can discuss the pros and cons of lotus beds versus snake beds!”

Of Prajapatis and Their Mates

This idea appealed to Lord Brahma and so, purely out of his concentration, Brahma created his ten sons, the Prajapatis – a fancy word for ‘husbands of the subjects’. “Go forth and procreate. And focus more on the results than the methods,” ordered Lord Brahma.

The ten Prajapatis looked uneasy, they didn’t want to mate with each other and started pleading, “Dad, in order to procreate, we require a mate. While we have each other for moral support, it would be great if we had a female form to mate with.”

At this point Anant, the scalded snake-cum-bed, slyly suggested that for the sake of variety Lord Brahma ought to create a female of every possible species for the ten sons to mate with.

Lord Brahma gave the serpent a dirty look and vented, “Do you realise the amount of concentration it will take?”

However Ananta was ready with an answer, “It will affect your Q1 appraisal. If you can’t, then you should resign and maybe I can give it a shot”.

“Stay put, you glorified water bed!” thundered Lord Brahma, “I will create one female form for my ten sons and she will have the ability to change into the female form of any species she wants, the key words being reform, perform and transform. There! Problem solved!”

And with an exquisite burst of instant concentration, Lord Brahma created Shatarupa –or the woman with a hundred forms. As per the plan, Shatarupa reformed, the Prajapatis performed and the world transformed.

Needless to say, Lord Brahma gave the Prajapatis a lot of flak for quite a few of their misguided creations, namely humans, mosquitoes and viruses being the chief ones. In fact, Lord Brahma was so upset that he decided to withdraw his affiliation from most of the temples of the world.

And that, my dear puny humans, is the story of how your world was created. In my next dissertation we will talk about the great lengths to which Lord Vishnu, the Preserver went to keep your world safe. Till then, stay silent, do not bombard the Gods with your prayers and remember if work towards your goal rather than praying for it you just might be successful.