Warning: Satire
Unused to the rigors of speaking with US President Donald Trump for hours on end, Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull made journalists uncomfortable at a press conference with his seeming inability to turn off the fake smile he had had to wear for the duration of the meeting. The meeting was themed '100 Years of Mateship' to honour the bilateral relationship.
"What did you discuss in there, Mr President?"
"We're both businessmen you see, and the world needs businessmen, America needs businessmen, and we are two businessmen in America, isn't that right Malcolm?"
"That's absolutely right Mr President, you certainly do call them like you see them," Turnbull said, eyes pleading over a frozen grin. Reporters exchanged glances.
"Would you say you see eye to eye on immigration?"
"You know what I've said before, Malcolm here is worse than ME on immigrants, can you believe it? You like to hate me but see, I'm not even the worst, not even close to Malcolm here, I haven't even mentioned detention centres! He has several!" Trump said to loud cheers from White House spokesperson Sarah Sanders and submissive murmurs from VP Mike Pence.
Turnbull's smile did not budge.
"Well in a manner of speaking..." Turnbull tittered, a vein on his forehead pulsating, eyes beseeching. Reporters looked anywhere but at him and sped up their note-taking.
"How does Australia plan to reconcile participation in the Quad with China being its largest trading partner?"
The tight grimace loosened, Turnbull sensing familiar turf at last.
"Well, Australia is for freedom of navigation particularly in the South China Sea. We believe that our adherence to this principle will not affect our trade relations with Chin-"
"Australia will be on America's side. We're the biggest, we're the best, and China is full of some really sleazy guys, really sleazy... I mean they do well for themselves, but Australia is with us, aren't you Malcolm?", said Trump, clapping him on the shoulder.
The smile stiffened. His eyes flickered to the exit, sweat breaking on his brow. The scheduled end of the conference was minutes away.
"Err... well, certainly the biggest, Australia is deeply committed to the Quad-"
"You know about our Quad? Many people don't know this, but the Quad is America getting 3 other countries together, including Malcolm's little one, to teach China a lesson."
"Well, you know, I wouldn't quite call it a 'lesson'..." Turnbull demurred. A reporter happened to look down. There, between the Aussie PM's fingers, a note:
Privately, later:
"Why did you have to call it 100 years of mateship, Breitbart is going to have a field day..."
"Well Mr President, that's because of the ANZUS alliance, and 100 years of strong US-Australia relation-"
"It sounds gay."
'*rubbing forehead* Mate, we've had a referendum on this. Gay isn't a bad thing."
'One more thing Malcolm...'
'Yes?'
'...Would you say I'm a genius?'
'...'
'...'
'...I wouldn't not say you're not a genius...'
'...what?'
'...how DUMB is Hillary?'
'SO DUMB! You know, she's a Russian puppet. Not me, I don't even know Putin! Though I would like to, he's a very powerful man, very powerful, I could know him, he likes me, we've conversed many times, I've been invited to the Kremlin, it’s huge..."
'Donald, stop. I don't have time for a Mueller subpoena right now.'
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