How Padmanjali Will Be Milking More Profits Courtesy its Cash Cow

Padmanjali will milk more profits now, courtesy its dairy business that’ll sell everything from milk to cheese

Dear Dairy,

Prabhu ki daya hai. Business has been flourishing. Revenues at Padmanjali recently doubled to Rs.10,000 crores. And that too, within a single year.

I mean, not to brag or anything, but the last time something grew so quickly in India was the gap between its rich and poor.

But you see, the only gap I care about is the thigh gap, for which I am planning to launch a Chandan gel pack very soon. But more on that later.

For now, I am super excited to announce the launch of a brand new cash cow to our kitty - our dairy division. Cow milk, curd, buttermilk, cheese - you name it, we are selling it. Sure, the business is kinda tricky right now. What with these dudes randomly attacking anyone who deals with cows. But we are safe from all of this. How? Well, we fixed headbands on all our cows and the goons confused them with nilgais.

Coming back to you, dear dairy, the cash cow I just talked about is set to fetch us Rs. 1000 crores by 2020. So, we are leaving nothing to chance. We have priced it lesser than the market price (at Rs. 40/litre as opposed to the market price of Rs. 42/litre). Arrey, how else will you milk profits honey. There’s simply no udder way.

Not just that, we are also planning to sell sweet corn, mixed veggies and french fries. Of course the french fries will have to be renamed Hindustani fries. But that’s okay... Profits ke liye yeh sab karna padhta hai.

My company is now the second largest consumer good’s company in India. But I want to be the number one. I want every Hindustani to use my products, for literally just about anything.

I want my swadeshi toilet cleaners to clean the sh*t that happens in India everyday. At least, the kind of sh*t that we can do something about.

People tell me you are a billionaire baba, I am like.. arrey no baba, I’m just a billionaire. They tell me you are making Swadeshi great again, I tell them I am only making Swadeshi trade again.

My vision just doesn’t stop here, dear dairy. I also want to give back, as any self respecting billionaire. And so, as part of my CSR, I have directed my R&D department to create car fuel out of Gau Mutra by 2019 (you see, it’s an important year and I want to do my bit!)

I mean, why should my deshwasis have to depend on other countries for their petrol and diesel, when we can make our own fuel out of the pee of our millions of cows?

And what’s more, that way the cows will not be abandoned even after they stop giving milk. That’s not all, dear dairy, I have many more ideas that can fulfil the Make in India vision. Like my Cake in India business plan. And my *ahem* Bake in India plan. And many more.

We all live for a dream. And my big dream is to put Padmanjali on the New York Stock Exchange. After all, Priyanka Chopra can’t the only dusky beauty who can make it big.

For now, Dear Dairy, please allow us to milk profits so we can get to the “coweted”’ spot more quickly.

Say cheese!

Love, Baba BalRamdev

Disclaimer: This is a work of satire. The speech and dialogues in this piece are fictional, and no such words were actually spoken by any of the people mentioned in it. The author apologises to any of the people named in the piece for any offence caused. This piece is a work of humour, and is not meant to offend or disparage anyone.