Dear Pune Uni, I’m a Vegetarian Teetotaler, Dibs on The Gold Medal

Dear VC, well done on keeping these flesh-eating, booze-chugging students out of the running for the gold medal.

Since when did being a teetotaler make one eligible for gold medals? Well, that was what students of Savitribai Phule Pune University (SPPU) were told in a circular. The circular in question pertains to an award constituted in the name of Yog Maharshi Ramchandra Gopal Shelar and sponsored by the trust and family members of Shelar Mama for postgraduate students in non-science backgrounds.

Although the varsity had nothing to do with the terms and conditions, it decided to cancel the circular after some pretty valid outrage. But what if we have a student who actually qualified for this gold? After all, this medal has been in place for the past 10 years. Well, here’s a letter by one such student thanking the VC for the esteemed opportunity.

To,
The Vice Chancellor,
Pune University,
Maharashtra

Subject: Alcohol-free, veggie gold medals

Respected Chance Le Lo Sir,

I salute you with all my limbs. As soon as I heard that in order to win a certain gold medal in your esteemed Pune University, the student must be vegetarian and non alcoholic types, basically a teerth-totaler, I could not contain my joy. In fact, I am pretty drunk with excitement right now.

Finally, my parents’ evergreen dream of seeing their son win a gold medal will come true. Before I continue, let me introduce myself, my sattvik name is Anant and I am a loyal student of your university. So loyal, in fact, that I have been undertaking a three-year Bachelor of Arts course for the last seven years.

As it is a Bachelors degree course, I am still an unwed man. I know that most of the students in my course are more intelligent than me, but this time, it will be I who will get the gold medal. I know this because unlike me, all the other students are devilish flesh eaters. And what’s more, they consume large amounts of alcohol regularly.

Therefore, by default, I happen to be the only candidate, The sattvik teerth-totaler who qualifies to win this gold medal. Thank you for that, Sir. It gives me great satisfaction to see that the sinful, flesh-eating, bone-crunching, booze-waasi students are finally being punished by Bhagwan.

Now that you have started steering the University on the ‘right’ path, I would like to make some suggestions in this direction. They are as follows:

1. First, the admission process in the university needs to be fixed. Currently, you give admission to any student with high marks. This is a one-sided evaluation. I suggest that from now on, the admission should be on the basis of their gotra. This will breathe new life into the university.
2. To make the students turn to vegetarian khaana, we should pull out all their meat-eating canine teeth.
3. It has been seen that students of both sexes are indulging in unsanskaari acts, like kissing and other unmentionable acts that are prohibited for students. So what if they are adults, they should wait till they get married, na? To rectify this, all fresher parties should be held on the festival of Rakhi or Bhai dooj, where every female student will tie a university-approved thread on the hands of all male bachelors with an attested stamp by the registrar.
4. Every lecture will begin with a yoga aasana, that will be performed by both the teachers and students. Students who cannot stretch their bodies for the aasanas will be put on the defaulter list.
5. To reduce pollution in the university, we can also employ the world-famous-in-Delhi scheme of Odd-Even. Students with odd roll numbers will come on odd days, and students with even roll numbers will come on even days. The lecturers and support staff will have to come everyday.
6. To stop the menace of fake mark sheets, every student will have their marks sheet tattooed on their forearm. This will also reduce the number of students who pester university teachers to get their answer sheets reevaluated.

Respected Sir, I have a lot other suggestions to make but now I must take your leave in order to prepare for tomorrow’s exam, for which I have to pray and then tie a yellow dhaaga on a grey dog. I will share the rest of my suggestions during my acceptance speech when I come to take my gold medal.

Your  devoted and loyal student,
Anant

PS: Sir, If you implement my suggestions in the university, I guarantee you that one day, you will become a great minister of our country.

(This is an opinion piece and the views expressed are the author’s own. The Quint neither endorses nor is responsible for the same.)