How To Survive Women & PDA Couples On Kolkata’s Public Transport

Hello Kolkata! SOS!

It seems like our public transport system is under attack. Ki shob hocche aaj kal!
(The travesties that are happening nowadays!).

First, there were couples holding hands on the bus, hugging in the metro and brazenly travelling together in public like it is their birthright.

And now, there are women who are foolishly raising a hue and cry because a man was masturbating at them on a public bus?

So you mean now men can’t even touch themselves in public anymore? Who said that’s sexual harassment?

After all, ke jaane kaar mathaye ki ache? (Who knows what’s running through people’s minds?) Right?

We at The Quint understand how difficult travelling on the public transport has become with all these kaalchaar (cuture)- less monsters prowling on the streets. So, here’s a guide a quick, three-step guide on what to do when they assault our senses and our beloved culture with their right to travel in dignity.

The Culture Kaku’s Guide To Travelling On Kolkata’s Public Transport

Culture Kaku (noun): The custodian of all things that form a part of Kolkata’s “culture”. Usually seen at various public places in the city – not minding their own business. Their skills include but are not limited to indulging in sexual harassment and enabling sexual harassers.

1. How To Deal With Pesky, Empowered Women

When you see a man harassing a woman on a metro or a bus or an auto, sit tight and do nothing.

NOT. ONE. WORD.

If that doesn’t do it and the damned woman is courageous enough to still speak out against her harasser, continue to keep absolutely shut. This will make her feel like she’s alone and it will shatter the rebel in that horrible, modern, “empowered” woman.

But wait, what if she still continues to outrage?

Well, now is the time for you to speak up. First try sitting her down and telling her that she’s wrong and that man didn’t really mean to harass her.

Also remind her that just because she’s FACED harassment, doesn’t mean she has “proof” of anything.

Be careful, sometimes they are so over-smart they actually record videos of their harassment.  So proceed with caution.

In this case, first mobilise the mob which was silent, up until now, and start shaming her.

Then tell her she’s a baaje meye (#BuriLadki), tell her she shouldn’t be travelling wearing what she’s wearing…abuse her, call her names and ensure that no one helps her.

Eventually she will feel so cornered that she will shut up and get off the said mode of transport.

That’s it. No more pesky, outraging women.

2. Dealing With Obhodro Couples

E gulo khoob bere paka kintu (They are very oversmart).

So be very careful.

One of them once asked me, “If peeing on the streets is okay, why is hugging not?” Can you believe their audacity?

One can’t go easy on this lot.

Give them a good dose of @#$%#% @$@$#$ $@$$@$.

Then if the boy starts acting like Salman Khan, refer to step 1 – mobilise a mob and give both of them one kaan ke neeche.

Keep beating them up till they’re so traumatised that even if an entire city protests in their defence, they will still not have the courage to come out.

3. Handling The ‘Homos’

Now, eder ke amra emnitei tight diye rekhechi  (we’ve anyway kept them under check) by not allowing all this in our schools etc.

But if you STILL see any of them brazenly roaming around in public like it’s a free country, just take them by the collar and beat them up as much as you want to.

Then take them to the police who will abuse them even more, because Section 377, duh!

Nishchintey korun! (Don’t worry!)

There will be no repercussions.

In fact, I’ve heard that the education minister doesn’t like them too much either.

Remember, my dear city. This is our hour of calling. Let’s reclaim our buses, metros and autos.

Lets reclaim our public spaces.

Let's reclaim our wonderful “Culture”.

We hope this guide helps you. If you have any suggestions on how to handle these culture-less goons, don’t forget to leave a comment below.