Okay, I'll come out and say it: I'm obsessed with cringe reality shows. After a long day of work, curling up with reruns of The Kardashians is a guilty pleasure that I'm hardly guilty about. But watching the first episode of model-actor Malaika Arora's new reality show taught me so many new ways to cringe that I'm seriously re-evaluating my fondness for trashy TV.
Moving In With Malaika is a Disney+Hotstar Specials, with new episodes releasing every Monday and Thursday. Here are my honest thoughts after watching the first episode (released on 5 December).
1. The episode begins with a bizarrely-edited monologue where Malaika is in a swimming pool, addressing the audience. The trailers kept underlining that the show would give viewers a glimpse into "the real Malaika" - up close and personal. Perhaps treating the introducing monologue as a swimsuit commercial wasn't the right way to start?
It's been 2 minutes into the episode and I already need to start reminding myself that it's a reality show. Why does it feel like she's just reading out lines from a script?
2. The monologue makes way for the intro to Moving In With Malaika. Not to be too pedantic, but the intro looks like an exact replica of all the fashion mobile games I would play as a child. From the illustration to the music, I'm yet to find one element that would verify that I'm watching a reality show.
3. As I gear up for the third time for the show to actually start, Malaika begins her yoga routine. While the montage of her doing impressive yoga poses play with serene music, we cut to several guest interviews. From her partner, Arjun Kapoor and one of her closest friends, Kareena Kapoor to her colleagues in the industry, Bharti Singh and Neha Dhupia - we see an assortment of faces from Bollywood come together to praise Malaika.
These interviews are surely a common format in most docudramas, but an overload of them can go very wrong. Exhibit: The show hasn't even kickstarted yet and now it seems like all of Bollywood is creating a sales pitch for Malaika Arora.
4. Okay, we finally begin the actual show with Malaika sprawled on her couch, playing with her dog. A house staff informs her that there are no more dog treats, prompting her to go to a grocery run with her dog. She explains that since being gravely injured in her recent car accident, she hasn't been behind the driver's wheel. She decides to take on the challenge, since her driver is unavailable and gets into the car. But where is the dog? Did she forget the very reason she got into the car, in the first place?
5. I'm sure the accident was a traumatic experience for her, no doubt about that. But the entire episode cutting to jarring sound effects, accident visuals and hospital shots every time she talks about the incident is admittedly too much and highly unnecessary.
6. The episode's mood takes a drastic shift with filmmaker and friend Farah Khan's entry. Both women engage in a candid, heart-to-heart conversation - addressing the hate they receive for being with much younger men, being trolled relentlessly and so on. It almost gets entertaining until I realize that their conversation spans almost the entire length of the episode. Yes, it's just them talking in Malaika's living room.
7. At some point in their conversation, Malaika expresses her gratitude for her ex-husband, Arbaaz Khan. To that, Farah responds, "You got a great husband who let you work, let you do everything." I had to pause and take a second to silently implode; because I'm exhausted of this sexist belief that strong, ambitious women's successes are mere allowances by their husband. Think about it, have you ever heard someone tell a man that he's lucky because his wife lets him work?
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