If you think I’m that weirdo who lurks around dating sites for content, you’re probably right. And I ask, why not? A little harmless market survey or “swiping”, as Gen Z says, can make those lonely Friday nights a bit cosier. Also, who minds some good fodder to eye-roll over with girlfriends for the next six months on some of the ‘pick-up lines’ you were passed.
This Valentine’s day, let’s take a quick look at some of our favourite internet dating haunts, their premise and the exquisite Pulitzer-worthy prose you get to read on them.
Travelling from lacklustre to perverted via cheesy, creepy and incomprehensible, we have the whole metro line out there for display.
And when it comes to online dating in India, it isn’t rare when things escalate from ‘What is mobile number’ to ‘I love you bol daal’, real quick.
So here’s the online pick-up line buffet starting with Tinder – primarily for casual hookups, Hinge for serious dating and friendship (insert eyeroll emoji), Bumble for networking, dating and even business, and the most sanskaari dating site of all- JeevanSaathi, where even parents operate accounts on behalf of their kids.
The Ashton Kutcher from ‘A Lot Like Love’: Playing it Safe
1.“Pop quiz: waffles or pancakes?”
The ‘I’m so cute imma slide into your DMs’ guy.
2.“You’re so pretty, want to know the story going on in your head right now. #nobadintentions”
The guy who talks in hashtags.
3 “Hi, you used to live near my building but stopped talking to me after you moved away”
Coz ladka ladki kabhi dead ends nahi ho sakte.
5. “I feel there’s a similarity between us, you don’t trust people easily, it’s easy for you to make friends but to be really connected with someone is rare but once you do you are very giving”
The one who gives unsolicited psychoanalysis.
6. Hy Can i mak A FrinDship out ofF u???
The one with the funky keyboard.
The Closeted Varun Dhawan: Bollywood References Galore
1. “Hullo, wanna be my Chhammak chhallo? ”
Nuff said.
2. “Tere naina, tere naina, tere naina re, Tere naina, tere naina, tere naina re, Naino ki chaal hai, makhmali haal hai, Neechi palkon se badle samaa, Naina sharamaye jo, ya aakhein bar aaye jo, Tham ke ruk jaaye dono jahaan”
Replace with any “YashRaj” romantic stanza.
3. “Iss raaz se parda aaj hatana hi hoga”
Uber-tehzeeb yet with sexual undertones guy.
4. “Apni saans waapas lene aaya hoon, attak ke reh gayi hai tumhare paas.”
Cheesiness level: Artery blockage.
The Ranveer from Ramleela: Cutting to the Chase
1.“Need help unzipping your folders?”
The ‘I can’t help my testosterone’ guy.
2.“You can turn my page anytime, author girl.”
The guy who uses your profession to make a (not-so-subtle) opening.
5.“Wanna get down to dirty business?”
As overheard on Bumble Bizz.
6.“You can touch my muscles when you meet me for drinks tonight.”
The narcissistic gym rat trying to be smooth.
7.“If I walk 24km in the right direction, will I be in your arms?”
Because, Tinder’s location setting.
The Uday Chopra from Dhoom: Marriage on His Mind
1. “Mummy and you will be best of friends, I just know it.”
On that one saree picture of yours.
2.“Wanna see my (salary) package?”
The guy obsessed with his MBA degree.
4.“You’re as perfect as my Mom’ chapatis”
The one who’s looking for his mother in you.
6. “What will we name our kids?”
*deep exasperated sigh*
7. “You make me go from Kamasutra to Mangalsutra”
True story.
To be honest though, it’s a tough world for online daters out there. Imagine how some of us would fare in the most unforgiving platform of all: A real-life Valentine date? With rising expectations, restaurant prices and balloon reminders at every traffic signal, one needs to get their act together or stay home. Judging from the above, it looks like us singles are in some Netflix and deep Chills. *shudders*
The author is a fashion designer and pens the blog, ‘A Girl Named Romita’ about millennial lifestyle, fashion and pop culture. In her words, it’s judgement free, hate free and gluten free. Follow her on @agirlnamedromita for more.
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