Come, Let’s Treat You To Some Desi Small Talk & Shared Pet Peeves

Detest small talk? Look no further.

Apart from patriots, censorship, hearsay and chai, India can safely be described as the land of small talk.

Small talk is as relevant as teeth whitener on your first date – or so the West will have you believe.

You see, for the rest of the world, small talk is nothing but polite conversation to get by. It does not get pushy and is as non-controversial as your seventh-grade ‘moral science’ coursebook. But for us, back here in the badlands of diversity, life isn’t that simple.

Here, small talkers are always on the prowl.

Where Are They Found?

They are everywhere. Their wily noses will sniff out your business and lunge at your inattentiveness.

So, where does one find them? Everywhere.

At work.

In flights.

Next door.

In restaurants.

In shopping malls.

In loos.

In Aadhar queues.

The Two Kinds

There are roughly two kinds of small talkers that you will bump into. The ones you know, and the ones you don’t.

Funny thing is, the latter is a class apart. One of a kind. They consider you a long-lost family member. They will initiate a conversation out of nowhere, while you keep asking yourself: “Have we met before?”

The former, on the other hand, has a beloved catchphrase.

“What’s up?”

Whether you are walking into an elevator or passing a small talker by, you will be ambushed with the phrase at least three times a day. Imagine being asked to summarise a 5,000 word essay on your life in only two words. Well, I have two succinct words in mind, but their use may be unauthorised.

Small Talkers Are Their Own Billboards

Apart from the common haunts, small takers also frequent events like weddings and parties. A wedding is to an Indian small talk aficionado what a selfie is to Kim K.

If they could, they’d probably print out their major selling points and paste it on their foreheads. Of course, the so-and-so alumnus, the NRI doctor and the I-work-at-so-and-so-place zealous pakora top the list. These are the most dangerous of the lot. Because you’d rather be home with your caffeine and precarious priorities than rub shoulders with them.

The Buttons You Don’t Push

Give the average Indian small talker, young or old, two minutes of your time. He/She is well-versed in the tricks of the trade and will not only manage to extract supremely personal details out of you, but also wag an invisible finger at you... slathered in subtexts and passive-aggressive curiousity.

Small talk leads to personal know-how that will put your existential diary entries to shame.

''You are 26? How nice! I don't see your husband around...''

''Oh! You have an MBA? Wow! But you are a writer now? Ohhh... nice''

"Don't you feel cold in THIS dress?"

Or, the worst (if it lasts for more than two minutes)...

“So, what are your plans for the future?”

Which right-thinking person (no pun intended) asks others about their long term plans? It is downright outrageous. That’s a millennial hot button and you don’t push it. Just like you don’t ask people here what their political affiliations are. The dangers are one too many.

How Does One Escape?

Small talkers make you rethink priorities – that are already precariously balancing on a canopy of gossip-mongering aunties and uncles.

You see, people will rarely admit it, but small talk, and a flagrant aversion to it , is a major reason why we remain glued to our screens. You can’t blame capitalism alone (mostly because it butchered us years ago).

So, what is the solution?

Do you suspect that someone may be a small talker? Avoid eye contact with said suspect at all times. Pretend to be busy even though your life is saturated with generouses stretches of "there’s-nothing-to-do".

Earphones can save the day. Always.

Books can help too.