The Ex Syndrome: Should You, Shouldn’t You? (Here’s How You Know)

A psychologist weighs in on the questions you should ask yourself in case your old relationship comes calling.

Ending a relationship is a tough decision. There are so many things to consider. There has obviously been an investment of emotions, there’s history there, familiarity and comfort. But then, there is also a reason to not be together, whether that’s issues of compatibility or a feeling of betrayal. And making the right decision is important, because you don’t want to stay in a relationship which has crossed its expiry date but neither do you want to give up on someone you love and look back at, wishing you had tried harder.

But if you’ve already gone through the above emotional wringer and are thinking that maybe you were a little hasty in your decision making, here is another conundrum: Should you really get back together with your ex-partner?

Again, many things to ponder about, probably even more. Are you just going back for the sake of familiarity? Is there really a point? Can the relationship be happier this time? Is it worth the risk and emotional upheaval? Are you really willing to let go of the past?

But if you’re thinking about it, and your mind keeps wandering to the same person and to the same question of should you or shouldn’t you, then the least you owe yourself is a good structured thought about it.

Here are the questions you need to ask yourself:

Why Did We Decide to Call it Off in the First Place?

Take yourself back to the days before the break up. How were you feeling? Was there a sense of suffocation, or did you feel that you were breaking up despite your strong feelings for your partner? What was the event (or the series of events) that led to the break up? Looking back at it now, would you still make the same call?

A lot many times the decision to end a relationship is just the result of a nasty drama –rather than the thought-out decision it should ideally be. Try to understand what yours was. If you broke up for a reason you still believe in: like not looking at the same things, or a feeling of being treated badly – then maybe, the thought of getting back together isn’t a great one.

But if the decision was a hot-headed one and from a place of pride or ego, then maybe reconciling is a good idea.

Why Do You Want to Get Back Together Again?

Familiarity feels great – especially when one is heartbroken. There’s nothing like burrowing into someone who knows what makes you tick and what makes you fly when you don’t feel so good.

But sometimes, trying to correct one mistake just leads to a string of more mistakes. I had this friend in college who was in an on-and-off relationship for months – and even though she knew that he was really a waste of her time, she kept putting in more effort into the relationship in case something good came out of it. But sometimes it just doesn’t.

Make sure (before you decide to get back) that it isn’t just a feel-good thing for a while before the feeling of stagnancy and discontent sets in again. Feeling emotionally dependent on your partner doesn’t have to be a sign of your intensity of feelings. It can just reflect a pattern in which you were comfortable.

Are You Committed to Changing Things?

Even if your feelings for each other are strong and honest, something happened to cause the previous break up. So what is it that you need to do now, in order to make the relationship a happier one? It could be that your communication skills as a couple need work. Maybe one partner needs to be more committed, or maybe you need to spend stress-free time with each other.

It could be anything. But you need to find out what it is, put it on the table and explore if you and your partner are willing and really dedicated to put in the effort. Despite all the love in the world, a lack of effort will always ruin a relationship. Make sure the two of you are on the same page before you take the plunge.

(Prachi Jain is a psychologist, trainer, optimist, reader and lover of Red Velvets.)