If there’s one thing you probably heard since you were in, well, kindergarten, it’s that men are from Mars and women from Venus. I mean, they made a whole money-shingling book franchise out of that one – aaand plotted a bunch of Meg Ryan movies.
Here’s why I think that’s batshit crazy.
Sure, us two genders aren’t exactly alike. (Radical, I know.) So when the two meet in the course of a relationship, there are bound to be fireworks – both the good and bad kind. Sometimes you’ll fight. Sometimes you’ll kiss and make up. (Sometimes, you’ll want to take a flying leap from a ninth storey building in the hopes of a quicker death.)
But fret not. All we’re saying is, simply this: to the men – women aren’t as confusing as you think they are. To the women: men aren’t the lumps of potato suds you make them out to be.
Allow us to break down some of the most basic fights you’ve HAD to have had with your partner. We’re gonna do that on three corollaries: (a) What they say; (b) What you think they mean; (c) What they ACTUALLY mean.
She Says: “You Never Understand Me!”
What You Think She Means: “You’re the root of my troubles and the reason I am beginning to get female pattern baldness. I’d be happier with that guy you saw me check out that one time at the coffee shop and got all huffy about.”
What She Actually Means: “Do you not understand that I only speak in extremes because that’s my one recourse to get you to engage? I’d rather you talked about this with me – than skulk away into a corner. I’d just really like it if you remembered the Saturday night plans without me having to remind you. Because that one time you did, and surprised me? That was AWESOME.”
He Says: “Aren’t You Wearing Too Much Make-up?”
What You Think He Means: “Nope, sorry, I’m too insensitive to appreciate the five grand you shelled on Chambor cosmetics and the three hours you just spent laboriously painting your face like Sonam Kapoor.”
What He Actually Means: “I knew that was a recipe for disaster the moment I said it! I know nothing about make-up, baby. Please don’t leave me. I just don’t particularly like it all over my face and lips when I kiss you or touch you. But hey, you know best. Maybe just not wear it in the bedroom?”
She Says: “Is Sex ALL You Ever Think About?”
What You Think She Means: “I no longer want to have sex with you. You aren’t doing enough fun things and I’m bored and I’d rather watch Idris Elba on the telly while painting my toenails.”
What She Actually Means: “I’d like a little more intimacy than just physicality. Lately, it seems to be mostly about your carnal instincts than really playing up the mood. Perhaps snuggle up to me a little more? Read up on those foreplay articles I know you’ve been eyeing among my stack of Cosmos? I’m willing to do this together.”
He Says: “We Don’t Over Analyse”
What You Think He Means: “We’re superior creatures, us men. We’ve surpassed the petty urges to think about everything and then discuss them with our friends over cocktails.”
What He Actually Means: “I’m not analysing this right now, sure, but there’s much I stress over when I think of you, that I’d rather you never found out. Like when I waited hours the first time we went out, waiting for you to text back. Or when I asked you what you thought of your hot male colleague and hoped and prayed you’d say, “I think he looks like a bat.”
He/She Says: “Let’s Just Talk About It Later, Shall We?”
What You Think He/She Means: “Let’s just have sex right now and forget about it?”
What He/She Means: “I’d rather you made the first move. Coz I’m scared.”
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