Consent is a two-way street. But the steering wheel has been handed over to men. Men are expected to woo women, and women to say yes or no. Female desire and agency are seldom talked about, whether in pop culture or locker room conversations.
In recent years, thanks to OTT content competing with massy and mainstream cinema, we are seeing some progressive and realistic portrayals of women and what they want. Even now, the mainstream is dominated by toxic representations of the ‘hero’ — Kabir from Kabir Singh normalizing violence in the name of love; Bunny from Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani claiming his right over Naina even though he’s not ready to give her what she wants; Chulbul Pandey from Dabangg telling Rajjo not to grieve her father’s passing because she is starting her new life with him.
Even in pop culture, men making decisions for women is the norm. The message men hear from movies like this, from family, friends and our very social fabric is that they don’t need to ask. If a woman says no to something, they are well within their right to persuade her to change her mind.
Consent Should Be Just One Word. But It's Not
When I was in my teens, boys following girls home on their bikes, making blank calls on their landlines and trying to find out information about the girls they found attractive through mutual friends was commonplace. Now, some of these behaviours are recognized as stalking. Stalking is a punishable offence according to Section 35D of the IPC. It is defined as any man following a woman and contacting a woman to foster a personal interaction despite repeated clear disinterest.
It also includes electronic stalking, that is, monitoring a woman’s use of any form of electronic communication like messages, emails, social media, etc. The punishment for stalking under IPC is up to three years imprisonment plus fine, and for a second or subsequent crime up to five years plus a fine. Under Section 67 of the IT Act, any person publishing or sending salacious material on electronic media amounts to obscenity. The punishment for this is up to five years imprisonment and a fine of Rs 1 lakh. Subsequent offence — ten years imprisonment plus Rs 2 lakhs.
The National Crime Record Bureau (NCRB) published ‘Crime Record’ in the year 2020 with data collated up to 2018. As per the data, there were 9,428 cases of stalking reported in the year 2018. That is one case every 55 minutes on an average. But stalking was recognized as a crime in the IPC only in the year 2013.
So to a man who grew up in a diaspora wherein laws against harassment weren’t yet established, where do the boundaries fall? Is he to go by the age-old trope of using his charms till the woman gives in or the modern rules of love where only yes means yes?
If only things were that black and white. Consent, or lack thereof, is not always just one word. It is sometimes in not knowing how to turn someone down, sometimes in ambivalence, and as Grace [from the 2018 story published by Babe.net that took Internet by storm] put it, sometimes, it sounds reluctant, like, ‘I don’t want to feel forced.’
On International Men’s Day, we take a look at the idea of consent and what it means in Indian society. The above is an excerpt from Prachi Gangwani’s Dear Men, which, in startling and often revelatory interviews, shows how Indian men across ages navigate romantic relationships and interactions with other genders in a country that is still teetering on the cusp of modern and traditional. Prachi mentions in the book that the #MeToo movement was one of the inspirations for her work. The above excerpt is part of a section on consent and sexual boundaries. Prachi further writes:
The cover of Dear Men.
(Photo courtesy: Bloomsbury)
Understanding Sexual Violence
Madhumita Pandey, a scholar who has interviewed 100 convicted rapists in Tihar Jail, Delhi, says, ‘Men are learning to have false ideas about masculinity and women are also learning to be submissive. It is happening in the same household. Everyone’s out to make it look like there’s something inherently wrong with [rapists]. But they are a part of our own society. They are not aliens who’ve been brought in from another world.’ At the root of sexual violence is sexism — the idea that people have different mechanisms of behaviour and must be treated differently based on their sex. Rape is the extreme along the spectrum of biased and prejudiced beliefs and values that place less value on one gender consent.
There may be many theories about why men rape — sexual frustration, power, psychological illness, lack of education and knowledge, but we can’t divorce any of these theories from the gender politics involved in sexual crimes. Gender-based violence falls along the same spectrum as sexist jokes, the butt of which is the female, but it is just on the other end. The common thread between these behaviours is a dehumanization of the female.
Sexual Consent Is a Reflection of Autonomy in Any Area
Sexism, and its expressions, are multi-layered and complex. Often, it comes in gender-neutral language, decorated with gendered accents. It comes in the form of pink walls for young girls and blue for young boys. Barbie dolls and G.I. Joe’s. Skirts and dresses and Bermuda shorts. Fairy tales that shamelessly teach that women need a Prince Charming and superheroes who are almost always men. That boys don’t cry. It comes in the form of ‘protective’ mothers and fathers who don’t allow their daughters to date, while the son has many girlfriends. Or in the idea that while a woman may be doing well for herself, she must marry a man who does better than her or not marry at all!
And the over-glorification of motherhood that carefully cloaks the sacrifices a woman makes to raise a child and systematically alienates the man — the father. There is sexism everywhere if you stop and pay attention.
Much of it contributes to our abysmal lack of understanding of consent. Because, honestly, sexual consent is simply a reflection of how much you value one’s autonomy in any area of life. If one truly — at a deeper emotional level, not just intellectually — believes a woman is her own person, with her own body, mind and soul, free to make her own choices, this will reflect in their sex life too. ‘I have specialized in sexuality studies but even then I always say we don’t need to understand sex separately,’ Chandra tells me. ‘How we treat our sexual needs is a reflection of how we approach our needs in other aspects of life. We remain the same person.’
(Subheadings and edits are added by The Quint for the readers' ease.)
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