Confessions of a (Supposedly Weird) Bride-to-be

People expect me to behave a certain way – but at my wedding I’ll be writing my own rules, thank you very much.

“The most important day of my life is just around the corner! I am positively enthused since I am getting MARRIED and can think of little else but expensive clothes, shiny jewellery, beauty treatments and everything else that is associated with a wedding!”

This is how most people expect me to behave because I’m getting married next month. Although I am happy about it, I am not quite as excited as I ‘should’ be, because well, I’m really just making an announcement that I’ve chosen someone to be with – which is only ONE of the many significant moments of my life.

As D-day started inching closer, I was suddenly introduced to a whole new world of ‘reactions’ to my wedding-related decisions, ranging from confused shrugs to incredulity to even laughter. All because I refuse to conform to certain standards society has laid down for me. Refusal to go along with ANYTHING that a bride is supposed to do in the ordinary course of events leading up to and including her wedding (and thereafter) evokes a reaction.

From being reluctant to splurge on jewellery (because I’m just not that into it) to not wearing “mehendi” (because the smell makes me gag), I’ve bewildered a lot of people. To my face, the reaction is generally mild. Inside their heads though, it is often: “She is SO weird and stubborn. She is making things unpleasant.” That is not to say that everyone reacts this way, but there are many who do.

I thus chose to list five decisions of mine that have evoked the most animated reactions (in order of increasing incredulity), and the reasons why I took those decisions.

5. Choosing a ‘Court Marriage’ Over a Traditional Wedding

The way I see it (and I know a lot of people will disagree with me), the great big Indian wedding is largely centred around one idea, that the bride leaves her home (including her name, her family and everything familiar to her) to go live with her husband and his family; unless the husband doesn’t live with his family, in which case, she leaves her home anyway and goes to live with her husband wherever he is.

This has become the accepted norm. Many of the rituals that are so enthusiastically performed at a traditional Indian wedding (and thereafter) are all manifestations of this idea. For instance, kanyadaan (where the bride is ‘given’ away); sporting sindoor and mangalsutra (to advertise a living husband); bidaai and throwing of rice (because she’s leaving her home behind); grihapravesh into the groom’s house and getting the ‘Lakshmi treatment’ (because she’s now a part of the ‘new’ house to which she supposedly brings prosperity)....

There are, of course, no corresponding rituals for the groom. He isn’t given away, he doesn’t sport vermillion or jewellery to advertise a living wife and he goes back to the comfortable confines of his own home.

This has always irked me so we decided to dispense with the ‘traditional wedding’ shenanigans, preferring one where the bride and groom would be treated equally. People have objected to this the least (probably because they know someone other than me who has done it). I did encounter some slight condescension, such as – “A traditional wedding has its own charm”, but that’s about it.

4. Not Attaching My Husband’s Surname to My Name

This often entailed the following conversation:

“Are you going to change your name after the wedding?”

“No.”

“But you’ll be Dani-Deshpande, right?”

“No, I will just be Dani.”

“You won’t even add Deshpande???”

Is this concept unfathomable? My fiancé is not changing his name because he is getting married. I won’t change mine (change includes dropping my surname entirely or adding my husband’s surname) because I do not see the need to. That is all. I don’t understand what the fuss is about.

3. Not Wearing a Saree

I was left slightly bemused every time people reacted to this in the following manner:

“What will you wear?”

“I don’t know, yet.”

“Are you going to wear a saree?”

“No.”

“Why?! You’ll have to wear one for the wedding ceremony at least!”

First of all, if you’re ASKING me whether I’m going to wear a saree, it leaves room for me to say no. Stop being so surprised if I go ahead and actually say no. Secondly, do you suffer from short-term memory loss? I JUST said there’s no “wedding” ceremony that you’re thinking of. Thirdly, how about “IT IS MY WEDDING SO I WILL WEAR WHAT I WANT?” I don’t care if you think I’ll be comfortable in it. I don’t care if you think I will look good in it. I don’t care if people will be expecting me to wear one because that is what brides do. I am not wearing a saree as a purely personal choice.

2. Not Wearing a Mangalsutra

THIS was, let’s just say, controversial. Whenever someone learnt that I am not going to wear a mangalsutra, they invariably reacted in one of the following ways:

1. (a) NOW I think you’re being too extreme. People may not like it.
2. (b) Well, I agree with your reasons but you should wear it just for the wedding. You needn’t wear it thereafter.
3. (c) It’s a form of sexism? Haha, okay how about we make your husband wear one too? Then will you wear it?
   
   

Look, it doesn’t matter if I wear it one day or some days or every day since I have a problem with the very IDEA of a mangalsutra. If people want to make it a point of conversation, it isn’t my problem. It is surprising that you’re willing to make my husband wear one too, only to get me to wear it. Under no circumstances is it acceptable that I just NOT wear one. Otherwise, apparently, the universe will implode.

1. Not Moving to My Husband’s House

People didn’t even take me seriously when I told them this. They just laughed and said “Yeah right”, with a look on their face that screamed: “What a bubble you live in!”

Yes, the norm is that a girl has to leave her home and go live with her husband once she is married. I dare question why and refuse to permanently relocate to his house claiming discriminatory treatment because of my gender? That sure is hilarious.

My fiancé and I both hail from Nagpur. I live in Delhi. My fiancé used to live in Pune but he willingly relocated to Delhi, because it made sense for him to move here rather than for me to move to Pune. It was a mutually acceptable decision, not something that was forced on him. People praised him for it, calling him considerate and open-minded. He always responded to that praise by saying “Why wouldn’t I relocate? She’s got more going for her in Delhi than I do for myself in Pune. Obviously I couldn’t ask her to give that up.” (I remind myself of things like these when I end up lamenting “WHY am I marrying this man!”)

I visit home about once in three months and I look forward to each visit because I really love my family. Are you seriously telling me that my “husband’s home” will be my “primary home” and my own home will become secondary purely because I’m a girl and happen to have chosen a partner for life? What bubble do YOU live in?

My fiancé and I have promised each other that whenever we visit our hometown, we will divide time equally between our respective homes. At times, we may happily go our separate ways and stay separately at our respective houses. But under NO circumstances am I going to pack my bags and relocate to his home, meting out secondary treatment to my own home and parents. He isn’t going to do that. He isn’t expected to do that. It isn’t logical to have such an expectation of ANYONE.

Despite these reactions I have stood my ground and I’m going through with all the decisions. My fiancé has supported me wholeheartedly instead of saying things like “Don’t be stubborn, do it for the elders.” My in-laws have also smilingly accepted them, without creating a fuss about how ‘strange’ I am.

But above all, it is my family and especially my parents who’ve chosen to support me and my ‘non-conformism’ all the way. They may not always agree with me, but they’ve always abhorred the idea of imposing their views on me. They maintain that I am perfectly capable of deciding what is best for me. I can never thank them enough for that because that is what has led me to become confident, self-sufficient and most importantly, happy.

And I think that is what every girl deserves; that the people she holds dear take a step back and ask her what SHE wants from something that affects HER more than others – rather than impose on her what others think is proper or ideal.

(The author is an advocate and has a slightly weary fiancé whose weariness has nothing to do with her views on marriage and/or sexism.)