Sexolve 34: “My Penis Is Sandwiched Between Slices Of Bread”

We decode love, sex and sexuality for you.

Sexolve is equal rights activist, Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on The Quint.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationships, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As below:

I’m Unloved, I Need A Dildo

Dear Rainbowman,

I have no boyfriend. No sex date. I look ugly. No one loves me. I have accepted that with a scarred face and the fact that I belong to a not-so-privileged class, I will never be loved. I will die a virgin. I need to find ways to satisfy myself. Can you tell me where I can get a dildo?

Regards,

Seema, Bangalore

Dear Seema,

Thanks for sharing yaar. I am serious – your story is like mine. A little bit. I have no boyfriend. I am aging, I am greying and my love life is vanishing. I used to get depressed about my looks… I don’t like the tan on my face, but I hate using fairness creams. I also know that finding sex dates is a pain, especially when you are popular, and everyone thinks of you as (Shah Rukh) Jahangir Khan from Dear Zindagi.

But you know what? I love myself now. I love every wrinkle on my face, and every strand of hair on my body. I do go for an occasional hair colour. The razor is my best friend. And I also get threading done at times. I have waxed my chest too. I have tamed my looks as per my requirement. I look good today. I am perfectly in control.

Don’t you get depressed because of looks. The most ugly people are those who have ugly tongues and bitter hearts. Be happy, do good, it will radiate back to your looks. As for dildos, well, google ‘masala toys’ or ‘I am besharam’. Though remember, till your dil is cured of self hate, no dildo will help!

I think I am pretty in my looks, and prettier in my actions. I am never too short to feeling proud of myself.

The moment I get depressed for something as silly as my face or anything, I make faces at myself in the mirror and sport a pout that I look best in. I am certain you are beautiful too. You have never looked into the mirror in your life may be, and not looked at it, certainly, from many angles.

Be happy. I love you. But I love myself more. I am sure you can be ditto.

Smiles,

RainbowMan

My Penis Is Sandwiched Between Slices Of Bread

Dear Rainbow Man,

This is going to take some courage to write. I have been in a relationship with a man for a couple of years now. He has been kind, considerate and totally in love with me. The feeling is mutual. All is good. Even the sex. However, I have a big concern now. He is being way too kinky in his experiments. Every night I become a sandwich for him. After our rounds of regular orals, he makes me lie down on my back, gets two slices of bread, butters them and sandwiches my penis in between. It is scary as he eats the slices off my penis and then licks it off in the end. May be it is his version of a funny banana sandwich. But I find this disgusting. But I love him too much to tell him so. Just because I get an erection, he assumes that I like it. What do I do?

Lover Boy, USA

Dear Lover Boy,

Thanks for sharing with me. It does take a lot of effort and courage to share something as deeply personal as bedroom stuff with an absolute stranger. I do hope you feel lighter having just penned down this mail to me.

You know love, when we are in love, we do a lot of crazy things. If it is got to be business as usual, it is never going to be love. And post few years, especially in homosexual kind of relationships, the thrill for ‘sexperiments’ sometimes never cease to end. I am saying this as a gay man myself.

You need to tell him that.

I am no one to judge anyone on their kinks. Everyone is entitled to their kinks. Everyone is entitled to their experiments. The catch word though is ‘consent’. It needs to be sexual, but more importantly, it needs to be consensual.

Your boyfriend is mistaking your penis to a vada. Neither is your penis a vada, nor is he going to make a vada pav out of it.

A ‘no’ doesn’t need to necessarily have a harsh tone to it. Tell him that you love him. Tell him that you love him so immensely that you trust he will understand when you are reluctant. Tell him about the fantasies that you share with him. Try adding spice to your sex life in some other ways that he may enjoy… and you may too. Tell it to him, and tell him off, calmly and politely.

Because love is like that, love is in politeness, as much as it is in consent.

Love

RainbowMan

I Want A Pubic Hair Dye

Dear RainbowMan,

How does one dye penis hair? I have grey hair on my penis. I want to colour it. Do you know of any company that manufactures pubic hair dye or hair colour. Can you please share some brand names and where will I find them? I am just 28. The hair on my head has not greyed but my pubic hair has. How do I save myself from this embarrassment?

Hair There

Hi There Mr Hair There!

Why should it be embarrassing to have grey pubic hair? It is a natural process of aging. Yes, people do get grey pubic hair in their late twenties. Shave it off, it is the best way possible. Skin in the pubic area is sensitive. I should confess, even I had not heard of any pubic hair colour before. However, I googled and really found some products. You could do the same. Be careful though. I don’t know if these products are safe for your skin down there.

Grey pubes are common at that age. As far as I go, I have never been told off because of grey pubes. And as far as relationships go, I don’t think I have heard of anyone being rejected because they had grey pubes.

Keep the bushes under control. They need a trim sometimes. They need to be shaved off sometimes. Why colour, when you can uproot!

Love

Rainbow Man.

#NotesToSelf: I have heard of vaginal whitening creams, vaginal tightening creams, and now pube-colouring creams. I have seen everything in this world. I can die peacefully now.

(The copy of the text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the person. You can send in your questions to [e-mail])

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)