This is the story of how video games, digital friends, and the interactions I had on Twitch, a video game live streaming platform, saved my life.
From 2020 to late 2021 I went through one of the darkest times of my life - my grandfather died, I was taken to the police station and beaten by police for something I hadn't done, I'd lost my job, a long-term relationship I was in came to a sudden end, I couldn't sleep, I became clinically depressed, and anxious to the point of not being able to sleep, and my mind couldn't envision ANYTHING hopeful about my future.
All of this clubbed with the COVID-19 pandemic and the lockdown drove me further into isolation and made my mental health spiral from bad into clinical depression and crippling anxiety.
Around the same time, I'd discovered Twitch - a streaming platform where people like you and I live-streamed video games, daily activities, and a bunch of different things.
Fresh out of a job, I decided to try my luck at becoming a video game streamer - and bought a nice new computer (the parts cost an arm and a leg), and started my "Twitch streaming career".
It was the peak of the COVID lockdown too, so most of my interactions were online, when I was isolating at home. I met many people who started out as just viewers watching my channel.
Eventually, sporadic conversations evolved into more time spent together - talking, hanging out every day on video calls, playing games and sharing a good laugh.
Slowly Unravelling
My unravelling in 2020 started as I mentioned - with a lost job, a lost relationship and an assault.
By mid-2020, during the first COVID lockdown, I had started to lose sleep. Initially, I put it down to all the time I was spending on video calls with friends, but it turned out I was on the video calls BECAUSE I couldn't sleep.
If I tried to sleep earlier, I'd just lie in bed anxious and unable to sleep for hours. It started with sleeping at 5-6 am in the morning once a month. I'd stay up playing games and enjoying the novelty.
Eventually I would sleep at 6-7 am maybe twice a month. And then once a week. And then twice a week.
Clearly, at some point I'd gone from deciding to stay up at night for fun, to being unable to sleep at night even if I wanted to.
With zero hope for my future, I had further turned inward. I wasn't talking to loved ones about my feelings, I was not able to work on making videos or doing Twitch content.
It was when I went to meet my family in December 2020 that I was diagnosed with clinical depression. I'd apparently been going through a "moderate depressive episode".
Before, during, and after this diagnosis, I spent most of my time with these friends and watching and chatting with streamers I liked.
Over the next 10 months, it was almost imperceptible, but my mental state started improving - and in that time I learned to identify some of the things that contributed to this, and how it all molded me into the person I am now.
Dealing With Loss
Like I'd mentioned at the start, I'd lost my job, my relationship, and my mental health during the COVID lockdown. The isolation from the lockdown amplified all of these.
My days would be filled with me watching streamers play games during the day. The streamers kept me from feeling like I was always alone, and they still do. And my evenings would be spent with my online friends, on video calls.
During this time, these people were the only ones I spoke to regularly, almost daily.
The ability to talk or communicate even through just texts and chat was interrupting a lot of the negativity from my depression. Soon, I started opening up to them more, and talking about actual real-life challenges too.
They'd met my girlfriend, they'd been there when we broke up. I'd met another person I really liked a few months after, and they'd met her too.
When that relationship ended soon after, they were there for that too. I was absolutely broken. They saw me hurting, and they were there for me.
With these friends, I didn't have to always talk about how I felt. We could just watch random videos, or play games together, all the while on video call. We simply existed in each other's spaces. And it kept me going.
Yes, I spent nearly 500 hours a month on the computer, but I was talking to people, and communicating, I had a support system, and I was still fine and alive.
And that was MORE than good enough for me.
Needless to say (because I've already said it multiple times), the friends I made online, the people I met through twitch and the gaming community, kept me alive. But, that's only the heavy part of it. There's other more hopeful stuff too.
Learning to Love Myself For Who I Am
Growing up in an Indian household you'll often get the "video games are a waste of time" line.
My parents called my love for video games "a pretty serious video game addiction".
So, the connotation in my mind was that video games are bad for you. I also felt like unless I was actively doing something productive with them, like streaming or making content, it was a waste of time.
One of my streamer friends from the UK said something that has stayed with me - "It's not a waste of time if you enjoyed it." It's such a simple idea but it made so much of a difference.
It reminded me of something Thor says in Avengers: Endgame: "It's time for me to be who I am rather than who I'm supposed to be."
This interaction led to me talking more to my streamer and digital friends about life. These were adults in their 20s, 30s, 40s, and even 50s who loved video games, and also had functional lives, relationships, children, and careers.
Despite my hesitation about "video game addiction", I'd found so much more inner peace after returning to playing video games in 2020.
Maybe all of us who grew up playing the same games...grew up. And I was just finding people who felt the same way. It was like discovering a friend circle that always existed, but I never knew about till now.
Or maybe something had just changed in me since I returned to playing video games.
Reparenting Myself
This brings me to my next point - learning to reparent myself, and being okay with my needs.
So, I learned quickly that sidelining my needs for others needs is a good thing to do if I wanted to be liked/and or get affection.
I repeated this pattern in my relationships, and I still try to avoid diving too hard into the role of a "caretaker" for my partner.
But the point is, in the past two years many times, my online friends would be self-deprecating and I'd tell them NOT to do it and to love themselves and treat themselves like they'd treat a friend they love. And at some point I realized that I should apply this to my OWN life.
Now I try to make sure that my needs are met - and talk to myself more gently, more kindly.
There are still days when it gets hard to be kind with myself. So, instead of fighting the negative self-talk, I listen to it, and quietly and patiently tell that voice that it's not true.
Learning To Set Boundaries
Another problem I had and I still have a little, is drawing boundaries and maintaining them. I tend to be a people pleaser who needs people to like me. So, I tend to have trouble saying no and drawing clear boundaries.
This often leads to me doing more and more for a friend/partner or someone I care about, and eventually resenting them, because of my inability to set and uphold clear boundaries.
But I am learning now to draw boundaries and its thanks to what I have learnt from my Aussie streamer friends.
They're extremely funny and entertaining, but they do not put up with people who don't respect their boundaries. People who don't respect their boundaries get removed from their streams and spaces immediately and with little hesitation.
The first time I set a boundary and put my foot down I was scared, but surprised when people actually respected it and seemed to treat me with more respect.
I have to push past my people-pleasing tendencies to do it some days, but I'm much happier, more comfortable in my own skin, and much less socially awkward or anxious.
It's like Tyler Durden says in Fight Club - "evolve and let the chips fall where they may".
My point with all this is that the stereotypes we hold - of gaming, online friends, and friends you've made on the internet being weirdos or oddballs - need to go. Sure, there's a potential for all of these to turn into an unhealthy addiction, but that potential exists with most things, in my opinion.
These relationships saved me, and I can honestly say I'm a more honest, more confident person now, with far more contentment than ever. And I couldn't have done it without video games or digital friends.
(At The Quint, we question everything. Play an active role in shaping our journalism by becoming a member today.)