Sexolve 98: How Can I be a ‘Good’ Lesbian?

Have any doubts about love, relationships or sex? FIT columnist Harish Iyer, an equal rights activist, answers them.

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As below:

‘I’m Attracted to Older Men’

Dear RainbowMan,

I have something really personal to share with you. My childhood was lost because of sexual abuse. I was sexually abused by a group of my friends in my teenage, and before that when I was just four years of age, I was abused by someone who was 25 then. May be that’s the reason why I am attracted to older men like those of 35 to 50 years of age? I am feeling really embarrassed to tell my family that I have been sexually abused and that I am attracted to men. I should also confess that this was more of an addiction for me. I have stopped all these things. What should I do next?

R

Dear R,

Thank you for opening up and letting me see your wounds. As a fellow survivor who was raped in his childhood too, I can begin to imagine how challenging these times would be, even if I am not able to completely get into your shoes.

It takes courage to look back at our past for what it was. Because if we do not know where we are coming from, we will find it difficult to decide where we go from there.

I believe there is a constant thought running in your head about the link between your attraction to men and your childhood that was marred by abuse. It is true that our experiences shape the way we think. It is also true that sexual orientation is more innate.

My personal understanding is that one could develop a sexual liking or a sexual behaviour because of an incident that occurred in their lives. However, there would be a time when their innate sexuality would emerge. I have spoken to over 2 lakh adult survivors in my life. I know of many men who were abused by men when they were kids and are heterosexual. I know of an equal number who are homosexual. Which brings me to the perceptive that sexuality, though initially seems like a by-product of sexual abuse, emerges over time independent of the history of sexual abuse.

In our heads we believe that homosexuality is a deviance. It is not. It is a natural orientation. Imagine this, many girls go through child sexual abuse, they are either touched or groped or raped by men. If they are heterosexual, how many of them grow up to think that they would have turned happy lesbians if they didn't have a history of being sexually abused by a man? We don’t look for reasons for being heterosexual. We only look for causative factors when we are engaging in anything other than heterosexual. We should not.

If you are interested in older men. It is fine.

Let not the world’s idea of “normal” confine your sexual desires. When you love or feel the deep desire to make love, do not cloud it with definitions or reasons. Over time, it shouldn’t matter why you feel the way you feel, as long as you enjoy feeling the way you feel when you feel the way you feel.

Your sexuality is known only by you. I am not saying that you are not straight or not bisexual or that you are bisexual. I am just saying – it is okay to not define it in words, but also it is okay to not revolt against it just because of a past experience of child sexual abuse.

Some men like men, some men like older men, some men like younger men. And some other men like women. There is no right and wrong, correct and incorrect, natural and unnatural here. All of this is natural.

I would also very strongly recommend that you visit a psychologist. Speaking to a therapist who listens to you and helps you in breaking down your life in bits and pieces will help you figure out your life.

Everyone should have a therapist in their lives. Just as we have a doctor for a stomach ache, we need a doctor for our mind and brain. Get yourself a counsellor. If you are in Bombay, please get in touch with Arpan. You will get the details on Arpan.org.in. If you are in any other city, just hit me an email on [e-mail] and I will send you details of an organisation close to your place. I am all ears if you need more speaking to do and need someone to simply listen.

Keep the faith, love.

And keep in touch.

Love you,
RainbowMan

P.S. Sometimes to sort our lives, all it takes is to not be judgemental about our own lives. Hai naah?

‘I Met Someone Beautiful But Don’t Know How to Approach Her’

Dear Rainbowman,

I go to a library to do my daily studies. One day I met a beautiful woman here and I fell for her at the first sight. It's been more than 10 days and my mind is completely blocked and I am unable to think of anything else. She knows that I keep staring at her. Last Tuesday, I had a chance of speaking with her. It was just an introduction, but a feeling that touched my heartstrings.

However, from the very next day she started avoiding me and stopped responding to my “hello”.

On on the other side of this... I found out something something interesting about her. She was on a dating app my friend was using. I saw her beautiful picture. She was active about 15 days ago.

Now I'm really confused how to approach her. Should I show her pictures ? How to start a conversation. My heart is really weeping for her. How do I impress her? Please help me.

Quick Lover

Dear Quick Lover,

I know... I know... I know... I know these moments in college - the crushes that we develop looking at someone hugely attractive. I know that these attractions kind of linger with us for quite some time. Sometimes we even plan our entire lives around this one person we are attracted to.

People generally don't like lovers who try too hard to impress. And I dont think anyone would appreciate their pictures been screenshotted for posterity from dating apps. At the most, the person you are showering this unwanted attention will want to run away from you or label you as a stalker.

I wish the best for you. And I dont want you to become an obsessed stalker. But I see you getting down that path. Stop yourself when you feel the urge to stare at her.

And if she doesn't respond positively, kindly let her be. If you find yourself in a situation where you find yourself stuck, kindly divert your mind into something creative or some sport that you enjoy. If you still find it difficult to understand, kindly seek the help of a counsellor who will help you keep your emotions in control.

Remember, attractions like these are normal. Obsession is not. Do not let this obsession make you a person who you yourself would not appreciate.

Wish you good luck with figuring your life and your heart.

Smiles,
RainbowMan

P.S. Let not what Newton said come true. He said “every action has an equal and opposite reaction”. I mean, darling, stalking can land you in jail.

‘How to be a Good Lesbian?’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 19-year-old woman. I have wanted to be a lesbian since childhood. I have always thought it would be wonderful to be in love with a girl. Though I am attracted to boys, I want to have sex with girls. How do I become a good lesbian?

Achhi Ladki

Dear Acchi Ladki,

I don’t know what you mean by “good” lesbian, but I can tell you that you can’t “become” a lesbian. If you are attracted to women or if you are attached to the “idea of being with a woman”, you just need to find a consenting partner in your own gender who is willing to go all the way with you.

You don’t want to become a lesbian because you have sex with a woman. You just are a lesbian or you are not.

Nothing wrong with explorations though. As long as it is with a fellow adult, in private and with consent.

Good Luck,
RainbowMan

P.S. I think you need to read a little more about sexuality. Please refer to www.gaysifamily.com - a website run by queer women.

(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to [e-mail])

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)