Sexolve 287: ‘My Mother Had an Affair'

(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As are below:

The Fear of Getting Infected Is Scarier Than the Infection

Dear RainbowMan,

There is fear looming over me. I have just woken up from the trauma of losing both my parents to COVID. I am a COVID orphan. There were times when I wished I would be dead, but then there are times when I wished that I would get saved. I have got two RTPCRs done every now and then to ensuharish hare that at the slightest doubt i will be able to arrest the virus in my body… but no… the virus isi@nt there in my body, it doesnt come and take my life, it doesnt let me live independently either. It is so scary all the time to keep thinking that it would come and pick me up. I know you would probably be thinking that I am mad or that I am stupid but tell me tell me just once if you lost everything that you had and you are the only one left… how will you feel. I dont know if you will be able to think at all, i think I am going to end up dying of the fear than of the virus. I need help. Please help me find a solution.

Scared Turtle

Dear Turtle,

Thank you so much for writing to me. Sometimes we all should literally write off what is there in our minds. It usually feels lighter. I am glad if it did make you feel lighter and better even if for a brief moment.

I will not say that I understand what you are going through. I wonder if anyone can truly understand how it feels like to feel such an insurmountable loss. I wish you love and health and happiness.

Fear, like love, is sometimes a part of our lives. But have we wondered what lies beyond fear. Have we wondered how it would feel to let ourselves free from the thought that something may go wrong.

Maybe, that experience is looking to happen in our lives too. The question is - are we willing to ensure that this experience is made real.

Sometimes when life throws its challenges, it seems unfair, and it is unfair, but we need to keep going and to keep going we shouldnt hesitate to seek help from a mental health professional who would help us look at things clearly.

Please dont hesitate to book yourself an appointment with a mental health professional.

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. A counsellor will help you see things differently and in a way that you could be able to go forth easily

My Mother Had an Affair

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 28 year old woman. I lost my father at a very young age and my mother kept having boyfriends after boyfriends. Last week I found out that my mother had sex one of my professors. I confronted my mother and she told me that she had no clue that he was my professor. In saying so, my mother did not deny that they both fooled around. I feel she is such a w!ore to not having kept it to her pants. Now I feel miserable. I feel really miserable. Everytime I think she loves me and I want to keep her for myself, but she has this undying need for a man always. She wants to be comforted by a man. Am I not good enough? What can a daughter do?

Sweety

Dear Sweety’

Thank you so much for sharing something so personal with me. Sometimes we all are confronted with the fears of our loved ones moving away from us. I have felt this too.

Sometimes mothers are tasked with the impossible task of being everything for their children. The truth is that they cannot be.

And sometimes children are asked to be everything and fill every gap in their parent's life. The truth is that they cannot do this either.

Your mother is a thinking adult. She can take her own decisions on her life. She has her commitment with you, and she is free to make other commitments too. Who she has sex with is none of anyone else's business.

I understand the awkward situation when we realise that two people who are close to us have "fooled around" with each other. I am sorry that you are feeling this awkwardness now.

Your mom has stated that she didnt intentionally date your professor. Why would she need to face disdain, hate or be unloved for that.

Please give yourself time and also visit a counsellor who could help you deal with this better. One may need sustained intervention when these is something that bothers us so deeply that we have no control on.

You are a good daughter who is concerned about her mother. When parents enter their old age, they become like children to their children. Your concern is not wrong.

It comes from a good place. Give her space, and give yourself the pleasure of meeting a counsellor to have a heart-to-heart discussion about things that bother you.

Much love,

RainbowMan

P.S. dont delay meeting the counsellor.

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a man who loves to pleasure himself with sex toys. I mean, i like inserting things in my anus. I have never imagined a penis in my anus, but different things. I have a girlfriend and I have never wanted her to try a strap on or anything. I love my own self anal pleasures though. Am I gay?

Backstory

Dear Backstory,

Thank you for writing in.

We all have our erotic zones in our bodies. And the spot varies from person to person and body to body.

If this makes you feel any better - I know of many heterosexual men who like to pleasure themselves anally.

Gay/Bi men feel attraction towards other men and feel like spending their lives with them.

You are certain that is not the feeling you are getting through pleasuring yourself. And that's fine. Straight men can also have anal fantasies.

You are gay when you tell yourself that you are gay. Everything else is an experience that deserves no label. Dont label your experiences, experience your experiences.

Just ensure that the sex toys are hygenic and safe. if it is a dildo that others use too, it may help to put a condom on it when you pleasure yourself.

Happy Pleasures

RainbowMan

P.S. It's okay to engage in self pleasure