Sexolve 280 : 'My Friend Wants To Have Sex With My Wife'

(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As are below:

'My Friend Wants To Have Sex With My Wife'

Dear RainbowMan,

I belong to a very liberal family. We have been open minded all the while. My wife and I had multiple relationships before we got into our own committed relationship with each other. We fell so madly, deeply, profoundly in love with each other that we did not need to think twice about getting into a committed relationship. The love is good, the love making is good, the sex is good.

We have a three year old child with each other and we have a nanny and a room for them so we have all the facilities to not stop us or interrupt us from having sex all the time. Now, this is the most wonderful thing about us, but there is more.

We have often spoken about our fantasies, we have also tried doing things with each other - bondage, 69, mild S&M… everything. The one thing that I am unable to broach is about getting another person involved. I have a great set of friends and amongst them, I have 2 friends who are very very close to me and I tell them all about the sex that we have. It is like the close bond that bros have with each other. Nothing wrong per se.

However, one of my friends, who likes my wife, told me that he has grown fondness for her and that he gets a hard on every time he sees her or when I speak about having sex with her. I, at first, felt odd, but then I thought this is natural. Now, I want to set up a date at home for my wife and him. I want him to have the pleasure of enjoying with my wife.

Its not about being kinky, but he is my close friend, like a brother. Now, I don’t know how I could convince my wife to do this, so I am plotting a scene where he and my wife could be together and he could just tickle her where she likes to be tickled and it will lead to them having sex consensually. I mean, I don’t want her to have sex without her consent so I am plotting this as a surprise, so that it happens with consent. How can I make this happen.

Liberal Love

Dear Liberal Love,

What is so liberal in what you are planning to do?

It is about your friend, your “bro”. your friend’s desires… what about your wife. What does she need, what about her consent about you sharing details of her sexual adventures with your friends and what about her desires.

Does she know that you discuss your bedroom secrets with your friend? Does she know that your friend wants to make love to her. I mean, does she even have an inkling.

This is not being liberal, or being open minded… so let’s not masquerade as that. At the risk of sounding judgmental, if I was in her place, I'd have found this selfish and self-centered and disrespectful and shameful. Please stop this.

If you really are so liberal and so thoughtful and so kind - confess to your partner. Bring it up to her. Bring her up to speed with the discussions you have been having with your friend. If she gets angry, allow her the space and time off so that she can decide on what the future course should be.

You have no right to plot her sexual adventure with other men. Nothing without her consent.

Open marriage or polyamourous relationships also deserve respect. And respect comes when boundaries and consent are well defined and communicated. This “surprise” set up violates the basic principle of ethical relationships.

You are not doing her a favour by stating that you wanting her to have sex without her consent. (You are plotting without her consent though) Every human deserves that basic respect and decency.

I know what I said is not what you would have wanted to hear. But I will rather be condemned to stand up for what is right than be loved for saying what you please.

Get well soon. RainbowMan

P.S. No surprises

'My Penis Doesn’t Get In'

Dear RainbowMan,

I tried entering my boyfriend from the behind, but somehow I always miss the spot. It doesn’t get in. And if it does, it causes a lot of pain for my boyfriend – I think it is because of the big width of my penis, though it is not that big. I am actually bi, my previous gf never complained of the vaginal intercourse. How can I satisfy my boyfriend.

Slip-the-Cup

Dear Slip-the-Cup,

Thank you so much for writing in.

I would suggest a few things to minimise the pain and discomfort.

Let’s begin with familiarisation of having something up the anus. Your boyfriend, if he really wants it, can get more cozy with his own anus. Maybe, use a lube and a hygienic dildo.

The vagina is far more flexible than the anus and thus the anus would need more working. I would suggest that you don’t compare. They are very different body parts.

Remember to engage in a lot foreplay and lubrication (there are many lubes available in the market and on Amazon)… if you are up to it, try rimming too… and go real slow, savour every move and every moment, slowly work your way inside him.

Sexual communication is as important as the sex itself. Keep it sexy and not clinical, but ask him if he likes it, tell him you are liking it… be patient, be kind and seek consent for every move.

Anal sex may take time, but with lots of love and intent and consent, you may reach there.

Much love,

RainbowMan

P.S. Go gentle, go kind.

'Can Gay Men Date Women?'

Dear RainbowMan,

Can a gay man fall in love with a woman… without getting sexually attracted to her?

Curious

Dear Curious.

Thank you for writing in.

Yes, some people can put sex and love in two different buckets.

Gay men can fall in love with women or even other men, without getting sexually attracted to them.

Yes, that kind of love is possible. What is important is to know if they both want a relationship of that kind. If they want it, they can have it.

Let me confess as a gay man. I have been in love with actress Sridevi ever since I remember movies. I loved her, but never did I think of anything sexual.

It is possible.

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. people are made so that they can be loved, with sexual tension, or minus it.