Sexolve 277: 'In Love With My Dead Wife'

(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As are below:

'In Love With My Dead Wife'

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 29 year old man with a 1 year old daughter. I lost my wife during our delivery of our daughter. I have been heartbroken for a while now.

Ours was a love marriage and we thought that we will be married forever and ever. However I am faced with this difficult situation right now where my entire life hangs in limbo. I love my child, but I am unable to forget that if we didn’t have her, my wife would have survived.

I sometimes feel that I could get my mother or someone else to look after my child, I wake up and do her nappy and everything else that a mother would have done, except breast feeding… however I am unable to forget that she was somewhere responsible for my wife’s death.

I sometimes secretly also speak to my wife (in thoughts) and whenever I do that, and come back to my real self seeing my daughter cry I feel a profound loss. I remember that if my daughter was not there my wife would have been alive.

I sometimes feel like giving her up for adoption, but then I remember that she is the only person who has lived inside my wife’s body and therefore has a part of her heart beating in her own. I don’t want to forget my wife. Please don’t ask me to do that. Please help what should I do?

Unwilling Dad

Dear Dad,

Thank you so much for writing in. The loss of a partner is painful. I don’t know what words I could find to comfort you.

Some of us find comfort in silence, when words fail to evoke any emotion in us. Let us be careful to not get so complacent with this silence that when it gets too loud, we fail to hear it.

You need to address the loss of your partner. I strongly suggest that you see a professional who could help you navigate through the path of acceptance. We all come at some phase in our life when we feel stranded to a time. But time cannot be stranded and we cannot be stranded with time. We have to step further. We have to keep our loved ones in our thoughts, but also step on the new life.

Regarding your daughter. She is human. And it was not her choice to be born here or to be born anywhere. She is your kith and kin. She deserves love and happiness.

Sometimes our anger spills over other people who are not at fault. That is the time when we need to peep into our own lives and rectify things so that we don’t become the people we hate.

Please look for a counsellor. Please seek therapy. Please choose to work on yourself. Please do this for yourself.

We don’t need to forget who we love to love some more people. We all have an abundance of love. We just have to realise it and revel in it.

For the sake of yourself. For the sake of the love of your life. Please see a counsellor.

<hugs>

RainbowMan

P.S. Things will get better.

'Am I a Sugar Daddy?'

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 43 year old man in love with a man half my age. The issue is that he often thinks of me as a sugar daddy and not as a lover. When he needs something he calls me… and then he vanishes away. I don’t know how I feel about it. Can you help me.

Young love

Dear Young Love,

Thank you for writing in.

I know love is such an inexplainable feeling. We do so much in love.

We sometimes swim the sea of hope just to see our loved one on the bank waiting for us with his arms wide open. We wish our lovers long for us, pine for us and wish to be with us every time.

But life is different. Not always and not all have the capacity to love back. The worst is when you are made to feel as if you have been “used”. When that feeling emerges, alarm bells should start ringing.

Do you think belonging exists where there is no longing?

Give yourself time off him. Give your heart a break, it’s been beating too fast for him. Let him want you, beyond your money. You take a seat and now let him take the onus of making you happy.

If he comes back with love and respect – embrace him. If he leaves, close the door.

Do not compromise on your self respect for anything. Not even him. Do see a counsellor if the going gets too tough.

Regards,

RainbowMan.

There should be no love without respect. Isn't it?

'Girly Gay Men'

Dear RainbowMan, Why are gay men too girly?

Curious

Dear Curious,

Some gay men are girly. Some gay men are macho. Some straight men are girly. Some straight men are macho. And some are in between and some oscillate like pendulum.

They are who they are. They are who they want to be.

Why don’t you rather bother about what you are and what you want to be. Give your mind some rest with MYOB.

Google what the MYOB the acronym stands for:)

Much love,

Girly RainbowMan

P.S. I just got my leg waxed yesterday…. Just saying.