Sexolve 257: “I Am Gay, My Parents Want Me to Get Married”

(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As are below:

'I Am Gay, My Parents Want Me To Get Married.'

Dear RainbowMan,

I'm a 32-year-old man from Chennai. Since late teenage years, I realized that I'm gay. But was not comfortable at all with that fact. As time passed I accepted this fact more and more.

At the age of 25, I came out to my parents. I and my parents are from a middle-class society. They are very sweet and loving. But mostly unaware that these different sexual orientations even exists.

They were shaken. Still, they took it well and consoled me.

Now at this age they are insisting me to get married to a girl. Saying that “we can make it work, nothing will happen, you will have children and after that the sexuality won’t matter that much as you both will be busy in the kids and marriage.”

I wish that they can be more accepting the fact that I'm gay but can't blame them for saying this as they will have to face the society's criticism if I won't get married.

But still I have decided to not to get married to a girl. I just can't do that to anyone. And I have told these things to my parents. I want to know something from you.

• How can I pursue them to leave the thought of my marriage and to be happy with me being unmarried? My parents are sweetest in the world and I really don't want to hurt them. I just wish somehow they will be happy with this.
• I think it’s not but I should ask you, is it a right thing to get married to a girl? Given that somehow things might work out and it will also save the hurt my parents might go through.
• I do wish to settle down with a nice guy but India is not ready. So have decided to remain unmarried. Is it a good decision? Can one get through life being alone? Because I don't see any other option.

(PS- I was searching for articles about the topic and came across yours. It’s good.)

Regards,

Chennai Boy

Dear Chennai Boy,

Thank you so much for writing in. I think coming out to oneself is more important than coming out to anyone else and I was happy to read that you have come out to yourself.

When we come out to our parents, sometimes, our parents get into a closet.

Though many may be supportive, on the face of it, but one can’t deny that questions like “log kyaa kaheinge” could bother them.

Give them their space and time to come out of their closet. While pushing away the prospect of a heterosexual marriage, let it not worsen relations between you and them.

Don’t pursue them to understand your point of view aggressively. Accept the fact that complete acceptance, as you may like it, may take a while.

You are correct in your decision of not wanting to get married to a woman. Things don’t ever get better when it is a relationship of pretence.

Let me put things as I see it. It may be a little harsh.

I believe marriage will only complicate things further. You will get married, and then you will have sex with your wife. Or not have sex with your wife.

Your wife is a human, she would have her own desires and her own sexual needs.

Also, your innate sexuality will not die off.

Imagine, if the woman you marry, takes you to court and speaks of you ruining her life, how would you feel about it then? Because she would not be saying something untrue then.

Tell me what position does it put your parents when they realize that you have said yes only because they asked you to.

You have protected a woman’s life by simply deciding to not marry a woman. You have also protected your parents dignity and your own self-respect.

No one ever lives happily in a mountain made of lies and deceit.

Don’t do this.

You will find a man. Inshallah, in a few years, maybe, you will be able to marry someone of your own sex too.

Marriage is just a legal contract. Nothing stops you from falling in love with men and getting into meaningful relationships.

There are too many fishes in the pond. Choose your kind.

There is a parents of LGBTIQ support group called “Sweekar - The Rainbow Parents”. My mother is one of the founding members of this group which has close to 100 parents of LGBTIQ persons.

Will it help if my mother or any other mother speaks to your parents? Please write to them a private message on their Facebook page www.fb.com/sweekartherainbowparents. They will certainly respond.

It is a group for parents by parents. Probably your parents deserve their own space with people who have grappled with the same challenge.

There could be hesitance in the beginning, but eventually, they may like meeting fellow parents.

Regarding finding love or being single – I am 42 right now. I am gay and now single.

I have had been in two incredible relationships lately, one of whom I co-habited with, and the other, I loved so much that I have a tattoo of his name on my wrist.

I am single, ready to mingle. But I am happy being single too.

I used to fear being alone when I am old. Now that I am actually getting older, I believe I could be happy even with my single status. I don’t have to marry/date someone I don’t really like, just because I am lonely.

You will fall in love, my friend. Just allow yourself to feel love and absorb and release love. The more you expend love, you will expand your life to newer possibilities.

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. Better happily single rather than unhappily married. Right?

'My Father Was Drunk, So It Wasn't Sexual Assault?'

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 25 year old woman. I was abused by my own father.

He came home drunk and pinned me down in anger and before I could realize he had pressed my breasts.

The next day he acted as if he didn’t know what had happened last night.

Maybe he didn’t or maybe he did. If he didn’t do it consciously, or did he do it consciously. Maybe he was just drunk.

He didn’t force his penis on me. He loves me otherwise. It was only one night.

May be he didn’t remember. Maybe he thought I was mom? Drunk people cant remember things?

Can you help me. My head is a mess. I can’t forget.

Troubled Woman

Dear Friend,

Thank you for writing in. I am a survivor of rape myself and while I cannot claim to understand what you are going through, I can tell you that I realized when I was sexually assaulted, my first reaction was to somehow find a way to disassociate myself from the incidence.

As time progressed, I started giving people the benefit of doubt and I spent a lot of time looking for goodness in those who actually put me through the most horrible moments of my life.

Somehow, I attributed the abuse to everything other than the real fact that the abuse happened because the abuser abused.

Many try to dissociate from the incident and find reasons to not pin the blame on the one who is close to us. Because it hurts us to believe that someone close has done this.

It hurts us to believe that they could do this in conscience and that’s why we would rather assume they just did it under the influence of alcohol.

The truth is that they didn’t just do it. They did it. And what they did was not just.

Have you shared this with anyone else ? Do you have a close circle of confidants and friends? It would help to have your own circle of people who are with you emotionally and physically. People who can be your listeners.

Counselling helps. Mental health is important. Your mind must have been tired just replaying this incident again and again.

You might have thought of the incident so many times, and every time people feel horrible. A good mental health professional is a listener who will help you see your life in a new light so that you find healing.

Please visit rahifoundation.org. You could contact them.

Also, when the pandemic situation gets better, I would very strongly recommend that you take some time off from your parents and go on a vacation.

Plan your life. Maybe, think about living independently. Probably, staying away from your father may help you?

Regards,

RainbowMan

P.S. Please visit a counsellor. Please. Please.

'Troll Bol : Do Gay Peeps Have Sex All The Time.'

Hey,

I heard you people have sex all the time. Do you homos charge for sex?

A faceless troll

Dear Anonymous Troll

The world is grappling with a life-and-death situation and you have all the focus on my sex life. Trolling must be a real hard job.

Gay people don’t have sex all the time. But my only goal in life is to have as much sex as you imagine me having.

By the way, if you are imagining me having sex all that time – would it be fair to call myself – your dream fantasy?

And no honey, I don’t charge for sex. Not as yet. But if I ever do, I will remember you.

Chalo, Happy Trolling!

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)