Sexolve 255: “I'm a Lesbian. My Parents Threw Me Out of the Home”

(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As are below:

'My Family Threw Me Out Of My Home.'

Dear RainbowMan,

I have been in a very troubled relationship with my parents. I identify as a lesbian. I have been living away from my family for too long. I am 25. The last lockdown, I had gone to my cousin's place, but this lockdown I came back to my parents place because my cousin was down with corona.

I have been involved in a relationship with a girl. Recently before the lockdown, we broke up. I was really really low. I was looking at her pictures and crying at my parent's place. I was looking at the letters and reading it and crying and crying.

I was not able to do anything at all. My father came in and saw the pictures and asked me who she was. He had doubts that I had a relationship.

I felt I got busted as the picture was with my girlfriend kissing me on my lips.

Things got out of control. My father doesn’t talk to me anymore and he thinks that I am some sort of an apshagun.

He is not forcing me to marry, he wants me to just go away from the home the moment the corona situation gets better. I want to live. I want to live and I want to win back my love and I want to be loved back by my parents.

Distressed Girl

Dear friend,

I hear you. I can’t claim to feel what you are feeling but I do have an inkling on how it must feel when you have the whole world around you that is not accepting or even acknowledging the existence of yourself as a whole.

They want to accept you the way they think you are. But you are your own person. You can only be yourself, you can’t be their version of you.

I know it is easier for me to say from here, and that but it is difficult for the person who is actually going through this—but do take good care of yourself. I am not asking you to pardon your parents.

Parents go through their own journey towards acceptance. They have an additional process of unlearning.

They have to unlearn that the only truth is cis-gendered heterosexuality and then accept that we have various genders and various sexualities.

However, irrespective of the above mentioned statement, your father (or anyone) has no right to call you a bad omen. While you try to love and understand those who oppose you, you should also remember that no one has the right to insult you or belittle you or harm your sense of self worth.

Your parents can take their time to understand the concept of same sex love, but in the interim, you don’t have to put up with their insults.

One deserves respect mainly for their behaviour, not just for the relationship or age. You don’t owe anyone any allegiance due to the event of birth.

Having said that, I would not advise you to leave your parents home at this moment. Stay put till the situation gets a little calmer. Delhi has an alarming number of covid patients right now.

In the meantime, I request you to see a counsellor.

You would need a counsellor, a listener —someone who can listen to you.

I suggest you speak to Umang LBT at [e-mail] .

Umang is a helpline for Lesbian Bisexual women.

Also, if your parents would like to speak to other parents to understand, my mother would be happy to speak to them and so would other parents who are a part of Sweekar.

I understand that your parents may be furious, and I guess my mother and other parents can handle that.

You can reach out to them on www.facebook.com/SweekarTheRainbowParents and someone will write back to you.

Do take good care of yourself. Once the lockdown eases out, please move to a safe place.

Hugs

RainbowMan

P.S. praying for you.

'My Boyfriend Abuses Me.'

Dear RainbowMan,

I have a boyfriend who is very abusive. He hits me every time and is violent on bed. What do I do to stop him. What is bothering him that he keeps doing it to me.

Does it mean that he has a mental health disorder or something?

Why does he do this to me again and again and again?

In Pain

Dear Person In Pain,

Thank you for writing to me. I don’t know your gender, but this is beyond gender.

No one should have the right to abuse you physically, sexually or mentally. I appreciate your empathy and your kindness when looking for a reason for his abusive ways, even when you are on the receiving end of the abuse.

While I appreciate that, I also wonder if we end up accepting a lot of bad behaviour just because the abuser has some justification for it.

There is no acceptable justification for abuse.

That’s something that you should know. It will not get better if he has some reason for why he is behaving like this with you.

If he is behaving badly with you, you may suggest that he goes and finds himself a therapist. But you are not his therapist and you should not be his therapist.

Suggest to him that he should see a therapist, but in the interim, do not accept the abuse.

Find your own safety net of friends and family members who would support you, and get out of this mess.

May be it is time you asked yourself, what is it that's holding you on to this relationship?

Yes, you may believe that this partner of yours is a good person otherwise. You may want to empathise with him.

But empathy is not a license to abuse.

As an empath myself, I have allowed people to walk over me and be emotionally violent to me, just because I believed in the goodness of the person and believed that there is a reason why the person is behaving like this.

No reason can justify abuse. No reason at all.

If he has bad parenting issues, let him sort that. If he has emotional issues, let him find a shrink for the same.

If he has mental health challenges let him visit a competent mental health professional for a diagnosis and take care of himself. You cannot be his boxing pillow. I repeat—there is no acceptable reason for abuse.

Regards

RainbowMan

P.S. Do not hesitate to call the police in case of violence.

'Where Can I Find Gay Porn?'

Dear Rainbow man,

Where can I find gay porn? I feel like watching and masturbating for knowledge.

Rohit

Dear Rohit,

If you are interested in increasing your “knowledge”, google “how gay men have sex” and read scientific articles. This is the same place where you could find porn also.

Porn is not real knowledge. Porn is illusion. Porn is fantasy. Porn, in many cases, is unreal.

And I don’t understand why you need to masturbate over gay guys for “knowledge”. What is this knowledge that you are seeking that you will get through masturbation?

Regards,

RainbowMan.

P.S. Maybe you took the word, 'intellectual masturbation', way too literally!

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)