Sexolve 254: “My Husband Has Mild COVID. Can We Still Have Sex?”

(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As are below:

'We Are Both Doms And Both Subs.'

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 27 year old man. I have been in a relationship with another man for the past 5 years. We both had girlfriends before and took time to realize that we both like each other.

The problem is that he now wants me to be a woman in bed sometimes, and I feel like slapping him every time he does things to me. I am not disgusted by him, I am acting out a fantasy. He likes slapping me too.

Sometimes he slaps my butt and sometimes my face. He likes to give me orders and I like to do that too. I told this to a friend of mine and he told me that I am abnormal and that I am normalizing violence in our life.

I don’t know if I am. I don’t know if I am not. I just know that I like doing this and he likes doing this. We both don’t mind it, but the perception of my friend is bothering me. The words he said to me is bothering me. Could you please guide me.

Kabhi Dom, Kabhi Sub

Dear Kabhi Dom, Kabhi Sub,

Thank you so much for writing in. And thank you so much for trusting me with something so intimate between you and your partner.

Firstly, it doesn’t matter whether you were with girls or with boys in the past. You both should be living in your present.

Your desires are your desires in your present. They don’t necessarily need to be the consequence of any desire in the past.

I am not exactly judging you, but I cannot stop myself from asking you—why do you equate being like a woman with being submissive? Haven't you heard of 'Women on top' positions?

If you like being dominant, you like being dominant, If you like being submissive, you like being submissive, it doesn’t need to be manly to be dom or womanly to be sub at all.

Also, why do you bother telling your friends about your sex life in such detail?

Will it help if some of your life is really private and only shared with both of you’ll? It will help staying away from unnecessary gossip and hate that exists in the queer world.

We are sometimes incredibly cruel to ourselves within the queer community. It is time to acknowledge that.

What you feel for your partner, and what your partner feels for you— as long as it is consensual and doesn’t cause grave physical or emotion harm to each other— is absolutely fine.

No one has the right to dictate what is right for your body. Not even me. Not your best friend. Not anyone else.

So, please explore making love the way you would want to explore making love. Just be safe and understand that you need to stop the moment either of you withdraws consent, even if it is when one is in the brink of an orgasm. Consent has to be continuous.

Smiles,

RainbowMan

P.S. Your body, your rules.

'My Husband Has Mild Symptoms of COVID. Is It Okay for Us to Have Sex?'

Dear RainbowMan

My husband has mild symptoms of covid and we have not had sex for many days now. He is recovering from covid slowly.

We live in a 2 BHK, we have a cat child and a human child. I do all the household work and look after him. He stays put in his room and doesn’t come out so that I and our child stay negative.

However, in the night, after my kids have slept he opens his door and signals me. I lift up my night gown and masturbate and he sits afar in the room and masturbates. He gets tempted and I do too.

So we have orgasms while our children sleep and we both try to make suggestive moves.

My husband thinks that since there has been a few days that he has been isolating, he and I should come together and have actual sex.

The issue is that my doctor, who is also my friend, feels that there still needs to be a few days that we need to stay afar because COVID could spread.

I read some news that self isolation is not needed… I wonder if we are just panicking for nothing. I feel really desperate.

Regards

Woman Interrupted

Dear Woman Interrupted,

Thank you for writing in. I am so happy that you refer to your cat as your child. Pets are children, as a fellow pet parent I relate to you totally on that.

You said your husband has mild symptoms of COVID? I am glad that he is self isolating but is he infected with COVID? Did he do a test? Please ask him to get a test done to confirm if he has COVID first. Why leave these things to hear-say and speculation?

I know temptations and unrealized sexual desires are frustrating. But what is more important for you—sexual pleasure or life?

The situation is quite grim outside. People are fighting for oxygen and there are no hospital beds available at many places.

In times like these, taking every precaution is the right thing to do.

I am not asking you to be paranoid. I am asking you to base your decisions on science and not fiction, on facts and not gossip, and on proper diagnosis and not on online information.

I am glad that you both have each other and have found ways to satisfy your sexual desires even in the distance. Promise you, this distance will not be forever or for too long, if he is recovering from his symptoms.

Give it a few more days and lets hope the tests come negative and he has no COVID virus to battle anymore.

here’s wishing you 4 love and wellness.

Smiles,

RainbowMan

P.S. till then, please follow door-darshan.

'My Husband Farts in His Sleep.'

Dear RainbowMan,

My husband farts a lot while sleeping. What do I do to stop him?

Regards

Sleepless Woman

Dear Sleepless Woman,

Thank you for writing in. The thing you described is his bodily process. He should just be made aware of it politely.

Does he do this knowingly?

I know some men who just go on loud farts without any consideration for people around. Is he that kind? Or is the kind who wants to excuse himself but is unable to manage it?

I would like you to approach this with empathy. If it is a habit or if it is something he is unable to control, you should treat this with empathy.

Ask him if he would like to see the doctor to figure out why this happens a lot? Urge him to visit the doctor for his gas problems.

Don’t shame him for it. Tell him.

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. I hope you find sound sleep soon.

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)