Sexolve 171: ‘My Wife May Leave Me Because of My Pubic Scars’

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As below:

I Feel Romantic, Not Sexual, Is It Normal?

Dear Rainbowman,

I’m a teenage girl. I have had many crushes on girls and have accepted the fact that I’m a lesbian. However, my crushes have never been of a sexual nature. I haven’t ever had any desire for sex. When I have a crush, my feelings seem to be purely romantic, like wanting to kiss the girl I like and talk for hours with her and write poetry and things like that. When I have these feelings, they are very strong. They’re strong but not sexual. I’ve tried to explore my feelings, but have found that sex doesn’t seem appealing to me. I think people look good, but I don’t think they’re ‘hot’ or that I’d want to have sex with them, even if the person is a girl I’m romantically attracted to. The idea of having sex doesn’t disgust me or anything, I just feel indifferent about it.

Romance feels like a need to me but sex doesn’t.

Is this normal? Should I do something about it?

Regards

Small Problem

Dear Small Problem,

Thank you so much for writing in.

Love comes in all forms and sizes and in all emotions and expressions. You do not and will not have one depiction of this magnificent feeling.

It is possible to be asexual and romantic. Even the vice versa is possible, where one is not romantic but sexual. It is also okay to feel different things at different times, or feel different things for different people.

The point is that your feelings are valid, your feelings are genuine. As much as your romantic feelings are valid, your non-sexual feelings are also valid.

There are many people in the asexual spectrum. Some feel sexual but don’t wish to be defined by it, some don’t feel the need for sexual activity at all. All of these are normal. All of these are valid irrespective of whether this is with a woman or a man or any other sex/gender.

Our feelings are a spectrum. There are many words in English to define where you are in the spectrum.

While one may say you are “asexual romantic”, it is okay if you don’t choose to be confined to a definition.

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. What you feel is your truth, is your truth. What you don’t feel is your truth, is your truth.

My Wife May Leave Me Because of My Pubic Scars

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 32 year old man married for 4 years now. Ours was a love marriage and we never had sex before marriage. In our courtship period, we had very close cuddles and once also have touched each other’s privates intimately in a corner of a garden. We never really got to seeing each other’s privates. We had sexual conversations. And in one of the conversations I told my then girlfriend (now wife) that I have some burn scars on my thigh region, I had acquired these scars when I had an accident in college where I spilled acid on my thighs. Luckily, it did not affect my vital privates but the surrounding thigh region got a little burned. Actually, it is not that bad, I thought. Before my wife, I had sexual relations with four women and they didn’t seem to even give my burn scars a thought. My wife was okay till the first two sexual encounters we had, she even kissed my scars, but I don’t know what happened all of a sudden. I feel terribly depressed as she keeps taunting me and tells me that my body is disgusting. I am not a sex maniac, but she makes it clear to me everytime that she cannot have sex with me because my body is ugly. And she doesn’t say it in an empathetic way, but with absolute disgust. I don’t have the means to have a plastic surgery, and seriously, I don’t feel like having one, as it is just a burn mark that has left a scar. I don’t know how to please her, I don’t know how to make her love me, I don’t know what I can do to appear more handsome to her and to be more worthy of being shown love. I know you stand up for women's rights, but this time will you stand up for me too? Please help.

Love,

Scar

Dear Scar,

What you shared is deeply personal, and I acknowledge the courage that it would have taken for you to pen down these words. Let me begin by thanking you for investing your trust in me. Sometimes when we are in emotional pain, we are unable to verbalise it, the fact that you are sharing is a good sign. This will lead you slowly but steadily towards the path of recovery.

What I am going to tell you, may sound too direct. However, I would rather not mince words and be true to my heart when I respond to you – I do not appreciate the way your wife treats you.

I’m sure you agree that sexual relationships should be always based on consent, love and empathy and not on disrespect for the body of your partner laced with insults that make your partner self-conscious. Your wife is doing just that.

This is not good. This needs to be stopped.

Are you dying within and not telling your wife exactly how you are feeling? Please don’t do that. Sit down with your wife in some distance from her. Do not shy from telling her exactly how you feel. Tell her that you feel insulted and hurt. Tell her that you would want to work on this with her and that it is your body and you do not wish like going through a plastic surgery.

I am not giving her the benefit of doubt here, so please don’t read it that way. However, I know of people who don’t read emotions and need to be told exactly what one feels.

Conversations are the genesis of change. If we don’t converse, situations may not change.

Finally, we all should work together towards ensuring the utopian idea of an equal world. While non male genders get more attacked, they are human, and they are capable of good and bad things just as everyone else. Women are humans, and humans are capable of being nice and kind and evil and nasty.

Your scars are a part of your body. And no one should have the right to tell you to alter your body. So that you find company, let me share something.

I have a scar on my wrist too. My scars are my stars. They are a reminder of my past, and how I have defined my life, despite it – with happiness and joy.

I stand with you.

Hugs

RainbowMan

P.S. Do not hesitate to see a counsellor, if you feel like.

I Caught My Child Masturbating

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a mother of a newly adult child. I am a single mother and have had issues all my life dealing with this boy. With lots of difficulty, I brought him up. Now he is less hyperactive and more understanding. However, my dreams got shattered when I broke into his bathroom because he had the habit of spending too much time in the bathroom. I thought he was doing drugs in the bathroom, and since the bathroom latch is not proper, one day I decided to just break open to see my child in a real mess. He was naked and his hands were on his genitals. He was masturbating. I was aghast and scolded him to never do that. He got really wild and went away from home for two days. He is back now, but I am really worried that he is in bad company. How do I deal with this?

Regards,

Mother

Dear Mother

Thank you for sharing. I am sorry but I will be frank with you.

We do not own our children. We do not own our children’s fantasies. We do not own our children’s bodies. They are independent entities with minds of their own. It would be wise to detach the emotional umbilical cord.

Your child is a man now. But even if he was not 18 but 8, I would have not felt good about his parent invading his privacy. When the child learns to clean themselves and wash themselves, we should let them be and not look through the peep hole. We need to ensure that children get sex and sexuality education, and know how to protect themselves. They should be able to tell us if they feel discomfort of any kind in their body or ask about their body processes. However, it is not right for a parent to invade the privacy of their children.

I do not appreciate the fact that you walked into your child’s bathroom without knocking. He is entitled to his privacy, just as you are entitled to yours. And this holds true for adults/ children of all ages, if he is 18 or 12 or 8.

It is natural for children to get sexual feelings when they are growing up. We need to ensure that we tell children about appropriate sexual behaviour and the right age to have sexual explorations.

Masturbation is not bad sexual behaviour. Masturbation is no sin. It is a means to pleasure, when sexually excited.

I'd urge you to repair this bond with your son, by first understanding that YOU did a mistake and apologising to your son. I'd suggest that you tell him that the fact that you have had a challenging life, is no excuse to invade his privacy.

It is high time that parents realise that they have given birth to children. They don’t own their children.

Do not hesitate to see a counsellor who can help you navigate through the challenges you are grappling with in bringing up a young adult as a single parent. I acknowledge your challenges, I just don’t think it can be a justification for invading someone’s privacy.

I am sorry, if I sounded rude. I had to tell you but without mincing any words.

Hugs,

RainbowMan

P.S. do write back if you feel like sharing. And expect frank responses, without mincing of any words.

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)