SEXOLVE 258: “My Boyfriend Came Out As Straight”

(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As are below:

‘I Am Not a Victim’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am writing to you after a lot of thinking.

I am a working woman, independent in my thoughts and processes, I am no victim, I have never been a victim ever. I am free-spirited, I own my body and my soul.

The reason, I am making these things clear is because of the fact that I don’t want to be misread or anything of me to be misconstrued. I am neither a victim nor a wh*re. I trust you will not slate me in either of the two categories. I am a strong woman with a mind of my own.

3 months back I had a fight with my then-lover. I was slapping him all over in anger. Somehow he started caressing me in the middle of my angry outburst, he started kissing me all over and we ended up making love.

Any way, I was angry, I didn’t like what was happening. But gave in, as it was not done in a bad intention. He is a good chap.

I was feeling bad and disgusted about this and within 3 days I went to another friend, another male friend, who again, in the pretext of comforting me, inserted his fingers inside my vagina.

Again, I was fully aware, I wasn’t a victim. I was there, fully aware. I was strong. I don’t want you to misconstrue that I was weak in any way. I was not weak. I am not weak. I am just feeling very disgusted.

I feel really angry. Angry that these two men, who are my closest people, actually pressed my breasts, fingered, and licked my vagina when they could have just hugged me.

I don’t know. I may be wrong. I am not any victim here, I was there.

I am strong. But maybe I should have stopped them. Maybe, they did it to comfort me. Maybe. They are not that bad that I make them to be in my head. This has affected my friendship with them.

I have not confronted them. But every time I see them, it almost feels like I did everything with consent. And that makes me angrier.

Though there was consent. I didn’t say no. I didn’t shout. I wasn’t pinned down and abused. I was there. I could have done more if I wanted to.

I didn’t enjoy it. But I didn’t stop it. Oh God, my mind is splitting. I am going mad.

Please, can you help me in this. Keeping this anon.

Strong Woman

Dear Anonymous Friend,

Thank you for writing in. I wanted to tell you a few things before I react to the incidents you mentioned.

You are not weak. You are not a victim. You are everything you believe you are. I don’t see you as weak. I don’t see you as someone who is not in control of their emotions. I see you. I hear you. I believe you.

I do not have the right to label your incident as a sexual assault. I will not colour your thoughts with my labels. It’s your life and your body, you have the right to feel what you feel about what is happening or what has happened with it.

One needs to be sensitive in matters of consent. When someone is in a fragile position, angry or upset, we should not initiate sex. It is not your fault. Your feeling of awkwardness is not a result of your doing. It is not your fault. Not now, not ever.

You are a strong person. However, why do we associate breaking down with being weak. It is not. Strong people break down too. It takes a lot of strength to be vulnerable. In a world full of judgements, it takes courage to break down and be an authentic voice.

Give yourself some time with yourself. Speak to a friend. I would suggest you speak to a counselor in fact. I am not the one who believes in putting labels on your feelings. But ask yourself – “how am I feeling right now” and believe that whatever you are believing at any moment is authentic to that moment.

What happened with you, consent, or violation of it, is not what any third person could determine. It is only you. Just understand that consent has to be continuous and can be taken back at any moment even during the act. It is the right of every person to give consent and also withdraw it as and when they want during sex.

Regards

RainbowMan

P.S. please visit a good counsellor who would listen to you without judgements.

'My Boyfriend Came Out As Straight’

Dear RainbowMan,

I wanted to ask you one straightforward question. I loved someone who told me he is straight after f*king me for 3 months. I was wondering if this can be true. Because if it is true, then what was he doing with me.

Gay Guy

Dear Gay Guy,

Thank you for writing in. At the outset, I want to acknowledge your feelings. It is not easy to realise that someone you loved is not the person you thought he was. I have been there. And I know, it isn’t easy.

I know of many friends who identify as gay men, who are not exactly people who have had sex only with men. Many, including me, have attempted/had consensual sexual encounters with women. I came out as gay much later. The inverse is true too. I know of men who have slept with men but at a later stage came out as heterosexual or bisexual.

Sexuality is a spectrum. And you and only you can decide where you stand in the spectrum.

Some people choose to not confine their sexuality to a term and not give their feelings a name. Some people do feel the need to term it. The one you loved is a person with his own mind and his own actions. Let him be.

Don’t try to figure what he is or why he is the way he is. He is whatever he thinks he is. You can never figure because one will never be able to say what another person is. Only they know.

If you ask me if it is possible that a man in a gay relationship comes out as straight —yes it is possible.

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. I wish we all find a love that loves us back. And stays on.

‘Do All Women Have Something Like a Penis’

Dear RainbowMan,

My girlfriend has something that looks like a penis. It doesn’t come out all the time but more when we are having sex. I was feeling awkward to ask this. This is the only girl I have had sex with. I don’t know.

Curious Boy

Dear Curious Boy,

Don’t feel awkward. This question comes from a genuine place. Everyone should try and understand their partner’s anatomy and feelings with compassion.

I think the part you are referring to is the clitoris. A Clitoris is analogous to a penis. It is the pleasure centre of the vulva. Please google up and Wikipedia Clitoris to understand more about the organ.

Regards,

RainbowMan

P.S. wish you a wonderful sex life.

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)