Sexolve 173: ‘The Way My Husband Touches Me Puts Me Off’

“While I do not have any aversion to sex, the way my better half touches me puts me off. What to do?”

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As below:

‘My Married Professor Seduced Me’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 24-year-old man. I come from a struggling family and therefore took a 2-year break from my studies. Now am pursuing my masters through regular college. I drive an uber at night. I have a kind of problem. I have a married professor who I am fond of, she is fond of me too. She gives me free tuition on Tuesdays when I take a break from work because I fast. Last Tuesday, I was at her place to learn from her and she held my hand and put it on her bare belly and said seductively “Do you feel the baby?”. I asked her if she was pregnant. She said no, but she has a big tummy. It was a kind of horny moment for me and I became really hard. I stood up and my hardness could be seen in my pants. I quickly removed my hand and she asked me if I was scared to touch her. I was embarrassed to tell her that I was, but I swear I was really scared. I don’t know why. In just a few seconds, she held my hand again, put it on her tummy and said: “Feel it now”. She then took my hand lower, inside her petticoat and underwear. I just allowed myself to be set loose. I didn’t do anything, because we had very little time… but I allowed her to do whatever she wanted to with my hands on her vagina. I am feeling very guilty now. Should I continue this relationship? Also, I had masturbated before I touched her and I had some dry sperm in my hand that was sticking to my skin, but when I touched her vagina, it was watery and my sperm became liquid again. Will it have reached her vagina and what if she becomes pregnant with my child? I am a little scared. Hahahha. It sounds funny. But I am a little scared. I don’t want to be papa. Please help me.

Hands-On

Dear Hands-On,

I understand that these feelings and intimate moments are deeply personal. Thank you for sharing in such explicit detail.

To be attracted to someone and to get physical with that person is legally fine as long as you both are adults and are consenting. Morally though, one would define it the way they feel. If you would ask me, it is she who is in a relationship with another person, so she is the best judge of whether it is moral or not.

I do know that as two consenting adults, you could choose to do what you wish to do. I can't tell you whether you should continue this relationship. Not because I don’t want to tell you, but because I believe that these are conversations that a couple can take together.

When you let silences speak, you leave a lot on either side for assumptions. Let words flow. Let them tell the tales of love and woe.

You are fond of her. And she is fond of you. And relationships, where you guys are passionate, may also be very risqué when one of you’ll are married. I trust you would consult with her to figure out what's best for the relationship you are venturing into. You both deserve the comfort of a meaningful, non-romantic, non-sexual conversation. Sit across the table and ask each other what you expect from this relationship. Check whether you seek something serious or just casual sex. Be frank and absolutely truthful to yourself when you answer. Things will get better when you clear things without bias.

Now moving to your other question about her chances of being pregnant with your child…

Sperms are not Karan-Arjun. They are neither reborn nor are they resurrected when they come in contact with moist surface or when their mother calls their names.

They are pretty lazy and sensitive that way. Chances of getting pregnant with dry sperm in the scenario you mentioned.

On a serious note, no, sperms don’t survive dryness.

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. Please do consider having a one-on-one with her. Talk.

‘My Partner Gropes Me During Sex’

Hi Harish,

I am a 47-year-old woman married for the last 12 years with 3 kids. This is a problem I have been facing since long and have tried to address it to no avail. It was and continues to affect my relationship with my husband and has only worsened in the recent. While I do not have any aversion to sex, the way my better half touches me, tries to stimulate me just puts me off. His only way of stimulation is either groping or touching my private parts in a way that I just do not like. I know what you will say and trust me I have tried various ways of conveying it to him. Subtly, by sharing related links; directly telling him I need to have proper talks with him and foreplay before getting aroused; indirectly telling him he needs to try a little harder to get me. Most of the time, in a nice way without hurting his ego. None of it works. He still continues to do the same and this has led to either me not showing any interest in sex or me just gritting my teeth and waiting for the act to be over. This has been affecting both of us. Not only has this led to a poor sex life but it also makes my husband think I don't pay attention to meet his sexual needs. l often get into self-doubts wondering if I am being this bad wife not meeting my husband’s need. I am discussing this with you now because the friction is getting worse and also because I feel this is the last resort after I have tried resolving it by all means I know. Getting him to talk to a doctor or a sexologist is out of the question.

Pls help.

Thank you in advance

Anxious unhappy wife

Dear Anxious Wife,

Thank you so much for writing in. Your mail has triggered something in my past too. I thought I should share with you with the same honesty that you do. I have been with someone who wants to do a pat-pat and a rub-rub but not get into the whole game of lovemaking. While all our experiences are unique, I should tell you that I felt totally upset and angry and like an object for his desire where my desires didn’t seem to matter to him. The main difference was that it was a disposable relationship where we were just bedfellows and not a committed couple.

Since you have done the talking and explaining and you say he wouldn’t see a sexologist (which completely rules out any intervention by anyone in terms of the relationship), I would be the last person to ever ask anyone to change themselves or modify themselves to please someone else.

The problem doesn’t arise because of you, but the problem does affect you. So maybe we should introspect from your point of view… then we may be able to find a solution? Do you feel guilty for him not pleasing you? Do you spend more time in trying to frame the right words so as to not hurt his ego, rather than telling him what you feel exactly without mincing a single word?

Maybe you should start telling him without the fear of making things worse for you both. Because you also mentioned in your mail that things are going downhill anyway. So you don’t have much to lose.

Also, could we do some sort of positive affirmations daily? These emotions could be quite draining and triggering.

To feel unloved could trigger a lot of negative thoughts. Do not hesitate to seek the help of a counselor.

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. “Things have gotten better”. That’s the positive affirmation I tell myself every day. Try that?

‘I Have Small Breasts’

Dear RainbowMan,

Do you suggest breast enhancement? I don’t like small breasts.

Small Issue

Dear Small Issue,

Thanks for writing in. Do you mean surgical breast enhancement? This is a very personal choice. No third person should suggest what you should do. I don’t want to be the big aunty/uncle and tell you that you should love your breasts.

But I can definitely tell you to make an informed decision and speak to a professional plastic surgeon and a gynecologist before taking a decision. Do not consult google. You would get a million dozen useless comments too.

Regards

RainbowMan

P.S. hugs

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children, and animals)