Sexolve 167: ‘I Am a Boy But My Mom Thinks I’m A Girl’

“In due time, things will get better. Reach out for support and don’t lose hope,” writes Harish Iyer.

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As below:

I Caught My Son Watching Porn

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a very worried 56 year old mother. I am not well versed in writing mails so pardon me if I wrote something incorrectly. I am very worried.

Let me give you some background. I was married at a very young age. My husband and I always wanted to have kids. We tried tried and tried, we did not succeed. I went to every temple in the city to pray for a child. I was always childless. My husband wanted to adopt a child, but I wanted my own blood. I wanted to get pregnant. No doctor promised that I will be able to bear a child.

None of them could also tell why I could not bear a child. Something was terribly complicated with my body. At the age of 35 I conceived. I didn’t even expect to conceive. I was happy and wanted to share this with my husband, but my husband didn’t come home. His body came home.

He died in an accident on the day when I set out to give him the good news about my pregnancy. I was devastated. It pained me to imagine that I would have to all alone in raising this child of mine.

I have brought up my child in great emotional difficulty. I didn’t want him to feel unhappy at anytime so I would pamper my child.

I think all this love made him dependent on me but guess somewhere I failed as his primary caregiver. Because what else can be the reason, why he would watch porn at a young age. Maybe I failed as a mother.

Maybe, that’s why he is going the wrong way. I caught him watching porn in his room. I made a small hole in his door to peep in when he is having his private time. He is also very prone to the habit of masturbating. He watches porn and simultaneously masturbates.

What kind of rubbish is this behaviour. Is he taking revenge that I didn’t bring him up well ? I don’t know. How do I get him out of this bad behaviour?

Curious Furious Mumma

Dear Curious Furious Mumma,

Thank you for writing in. They say that it takes a village to raise a child, and you are the entire village for your child. I understand that that wouldn’t be an easy task. There’s a point in life where empathy fails and what remains is just an understanding of what we could describe as empathy. The loss of a partner is one such feeling. I know that while over the years, you would have accepted it, it still is quite challenging to lose someone, especially when it happens immediately after one of your dreams, that you saw with that person is fulfilled.

It is easy to lose control over the upbringing of a child, when you are focussed on too many things,you have been unwavering in your focus.

In fact, the problem is not that you have lost focus of your son, on the contrary, the problem is that you are focussing too much on him.

You are 56 right now and you conceived when you were 35, which brings the age of your son to around 20.

Your son is an adult. It is normal for adults to pleasure themselves and also watch something that could stimulate them to masturbate. It is not okay for adults to peep into the bedrooms of other adults. In fact, it is also not okay to invade the privacy of children especially if they have reached teenage.

I am sure that your core intentions didn’t emerge from the feeling of malice or the wish to invade your son’s privacy, however, it is important to respect space.

Masturbation is no sin, and while one would wish that no one watched pornography, the truth is that we all have consumed porn at some part of our lives. While the effect of watching porn can be debated, I can surely say that it always doesn’t define us.

When our children attain adulthood, we should remember to treat them as adults and not children.

I am sorry if it sounds rude, but you could be his mother, but to respect the distance and the space is your responsibility as much as is his.

I am sure things will get better. You just need to take some things lightly.

Love

RainbowMan

P.S. I think it is time to get rid of the peep-hole and give your son the mother he loves, not Sherlock homes

‘I Am Married But Can I Go To Another Women For Sex?’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 33 year old man and got married in 2015. My wife is five years younger than me, that’s why this is more shocking. She doesn’t allow me to have sex frequently only once in 10-15 days.

Because of this long wait, I get very excited and orgasm in 3-4 minutes itself. I feel the urge to have sex with other women. This is due to the delay.

I want to know from you – is it good to go to another woman for sex. Or is it okay?

Please tell me

Desperately Raj

Dear Desperately Raj

Thank you for sharing an intimate part of your life with me.

Sexual interests vary from person to person, the fact that she is younger than you doesn’t mean that she should have more interest in sex. We all know of people who are sexually active in their 50s and 60s also.

The fact that she doesn’t have sex with you for around two weeks is something that you should address with her.

There is no better remedy than a heart-to-heart conversation.

I would suggest that you take her out one day or just find some intimate corner in your house, where she would feel comfortable in opening up and tell her that you wish to have more sex. Seek her opinion and advice on how you both could add more spice to your sex life.

Do not blame her for her disinterest. Do not question her intent, feelings and desires, rather tell her what you desire and seek her partnership in achieving physical intimacy.

I think it is unjust to decide to go to another woman, and thereby cheat on your wife when you have not even addressed the issue with her in the first place.

She may have her reasons. Or she may have no reasons, she just may be disinterested, whatever the scenario, have a clean chest on it. Do not come from a point of guilt and blame, come from a place of understanding, feelings and mutual agreements.

I am sure it will work well, if your emotions are in control and you manage to have a practical discussion with her.

Smiles

RainbowMan

I Am a Boy But My Mother Thinks I Am a Girl

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a young man. I am 22 years old. I am a man, that I know since the age of eight.

I never liked wearing frocks. I was forced to wear by both of my parents. They told me that I should not be dress like boy because in that case no boy will marry to me.

I sometimes feel like dying because I wonder why my mother doesn’t understand at all.

I keep telling her that I am boy, she keep saying that I should be like a girl. I hate this life. What should I do.

How should I be convince my mother that I am young boy.

Please reply to me fast.

The Man

Dear Young Man,

Thank you so much for writing in. I will not tell you that I understand everything that you are going through, but I do have an idea of the challenges you could be facing as a man who was born as a woman.

Let me tell you this first - You are a man, because you are saying that you are a man. You know about yourself better than anyone else in this planet. So I acknowledge you as a man here.

It doesn’t matter what body organs you were born with. Gender is beyond genitals.

Your gender is your truth that you should get a chance to live.

Gender is what you tell people it is, gender is not what people assume it is.

I know that when it comes to our own parents, we seek acceptance. We seek support. We sometimes feel lonely when we don’t get that shoulder in our immediate circle.

Sometimes we forget that while we have our journeys with our truth, our loved ones and family have their own journey with our truths too.

Give your mother time. Help your mother seek assistance in understanding you through interactionwith a friendly psychologist. There is a group on facebook called Sweekar. If this will help you feel familiar in the space let me share that am one of the founding members of the group and partake in big discussions and decisions, but this group is completely run by parents of LGBTIQ persons for parents of LGBTIQ persons. You could reach them on www.facebook.com/SweekarTheRainbowParents

You could also reach out to Umang. Umang is a group by the humsafar trust that is a support system for Lesbian, Bisexual, Non-Binary women and Trans men and women. You could reach them on [e-mail].

Please do reach out and I am sure we can together find support. In due course of time things will get better. Do not lose hope.

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. Hold on to hope, you will float towards happiness.

(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to [e-mail])

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)