Sexolve 109: ‘My Wife Doesn’t Want to Have Sex With Me’

“If love is there, the relationship could be worked upon despite turbulent phases”, writes Harish Iyer.

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As below:

‘My Wife Doesn’t Want to Have Sex With Me’

Dear RainbowMan,

Let me get straight to the point. My wife doesn’t speak with me and has not had sex with me for the past two years. I am worried because I want to have sex with her, but she is not ready. I am eager to find out if she is having an affair with her colleague. We have two children and this is affecting us. I find it difficult to carry on and want to end this. Please help me.

Worried Man

Dear Worried Man,

I may not be in your state right now, but I have been in a place where my love has not been reciprocated. That way, it is a familiar feeling. I know it hurts immensely to love someone and be treated with indifference.

When people are unable to connect with love, they are unable to bring themselves to the idea of making love.

Therefore, I would suggest that you focus on conversations with her. In any sane marriage, if we cannot be good friends and start with cordial conversations, taking it to the bed would be futile.

Also, let’s not think of ending anything. Let’s look at amends we could make in our life to ensure that things get better. Relationships often go through turbulent phases, however, if love is there, the relationship could be worked upon.

Things get better. Hang in there.

Also, if you feel too upset, and feel like giving up, kindly seek the services of a mental health professional. Just as we go to a doctor when we are unwell, we need to go to a mental health professional when things in our life are not the way we wanted and we are too bothered and upset. They are equipped to help us acquire clarity in thought.

Regards,
RainbowMan

PS: Wish you good luck!

‘My Wife Already Has a Lover’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am terribly worried about a certain situation I am in. I have been a victim of a fraud in marriage. Let me explain. I have been married for over five years now. I got introduced to all the friends and family members of my wife. She has this particular friend she ties a rakhi to. I recently discovered that they are actually lovers. She has been fooling me. What action should I take?

Angry Young Man

Dear Angry Young Man,

Thank you for sharing with me. I understand you are fuming with anger.

No relationship can be built on the foundation of lies. Assuming this is a committed relationship she and you mutually agreed upon, this does amount to cheating.

You need to decide what you wish to do next. I think you should speak to her with a cool mind and ask her what she is up to. Do not do this in a rage. Do it coolly, so that she is able to respond to you with utmost sincerity. If nothing works, divorce may be a solution. Let that be the last step though. It would help to understand from her what her point of view is.

Wish you good luck.

Hugs,
RainbowMan

PS: Speak to her.
PPS: Don’t question, ask. When you speak to her, don’t get angry, converse!

‘What is Love and Sexuality?’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a young woman and in the process of exploring by sexuality for four years but couldn't find:

• What is love?
• What is sexuality?
• How to understand one's feelings?
• How to find one's sexuality without any counsellor (because I tried counselling too)?

Explorer

Dear explorer,

I could write a thesis on each of the questions you have asked, but I will try and keep it as succinct as possible.

What is love?
Well when you feel a deep sense of affection for anyone. You are fond of that person, emotionally without any sexual feelings sometimes, and sometimes you are overwhelmed with sexual urges towards that person.

What is sexuality?
I assume you mean sexual orientation. It depends on whether you get attracted. Is there a specific gender that you get attracted to? Is there no specific gender you get attracted to? Do you think about romantic feelings? Who do you feel that for if you do?

How to understand one’s feelings?
By asking ourselves questions. Ask yourself why you feel the way you feel? Read up. Meet people who feel the way you feel.

How to find ones sexuality?
Sexuality is a scale. You do not need to confirm to a sexuality, or you could also confirm to a sexuality. You will know if you keep asking yourself the question I mentioned “Why do I feel the way I feel?”. You may arrive at an answer.

Just as there are doctors of different kinds, some whose medicines work, and some whose medicines do not work, there are also psychologists of all kinds – good ones and not so good ones.

Kindly keep your search for a psychologist who is helpful. Don’t lose faith on the psychologists on a whole so early.

Regards,
RainbowMan

PS: Good luck.

(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to [e-mail].)

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)

(For more stories on sexual health, follow FIT)