Sexolve 143: ‘My Wife Doesn’t Kiss Me When I Try to Lure Her’

‘I am getting married next month. I am afraid of sex.’

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As below:

‘I Am Getting Married Next Month. I’m Afraid of Sex’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 22 year old woman. I hail from a conservative family where we do not speak about sex. The challenge is that I am getting married next month, while there is immense amount of excitement in my mind there is also the fear of sex. However, it is my duty to have sex with him, isn’t it?

Please help!!!

Regards,

Woman In Fear

Dear Woman In Fear,

Thank you for opening up to me. I understand that we still live in a patriarchial society where women have to obey men and fear saying no to their husbands. I am also aware that it is easier for someone like me who is born with privilege to sit on the other side of this computer and drop an advice, so pardon me if my advice seems preachy.

Firstly, you are not here to pleasure your husband. It is not your “duty” to have sex with him. Sex is good when it is consensual. You are not obliged to offer your body or your love to him if you don’t like him.

Give yourself time. Educate yourself. Get in touch with your support system. Google and read up about sex and consent. Watch videos. Then decide whether you would want to have sex or not.

Again, you are not obliged to have sex because you are married. Keep a support system in place so that you can find your voice to say no with the wall of moral support you build for yourself in terms of knowledge and friends.

Sex as an act could be enjoyable if there is enough love and complete consent.

Regards,

RainbowMan

P.S. Do it, when you feel ready for it.

‘I Am a Woman in Love with a Woman But I have Been with Men’

Dear RainbowMan

I am a 32-year-old woman from California. I always knew I'm straight as I had prior relationships with men but after meeting a woman I'm confused about my sexuality. I'm in love with this girl, we had a physical encounter too but I don't feel attracted to any other girl and this girl only likes cuddling and kissing not more than that. This always confuses me. I have tried talking to her but she doesn't open up.

Please help me to solve this mystery.

Regards,

Girl

Dear Girl,

Thank you for writing in to me. Firstly, let me congratulate you in finding someone to love. Love takes a lot of time and hell a lot of patience. More so in this case.

Sometimes, we spend a lot of time trying to box our ideas and fit in to worldly definitions of sexualities. Maybe, sometimes, we should rather just let it be.

You felt attracted towards men and called yourself straight – that was natural. You feel attracted towards one woman – this is also natural. While no one other than you can choose to confirm to a sexuality. I would suggest that you do not try to define it, rather let yourself feel what you are feeling.

Regarding her, well, I don’t know how long you have been in this relationship. She may be taking time to understand you… give her time. Deal with it with patience. See how it progresses.

Also, you can get attracted to just one guy or just one girl. Don’t give that too much of thought for any further analysis. It is not the number of people you get attracted to, but the intensity and the emotion in every attraction that is important. There are times when you usually don’t get attracted to a certain group, but still get attracted to a person in the group. The laws of attraction are such. They don’t follow a clear format.

Things get better with time. And love gets clearer.

Smiles,

RainbowMan

P.S. Postpone evaluation, prepone love.

My Wife Doesn’t Kiss Me When I Try to Lure Her

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 37-year-old straight man. I have a great affinity for sex whereas my wife doesn't have. I have pleased her in all ways but she avoids lip kiss as that leads to mouth ulcers and during sex she avoids any new move. She tells me that she has vaginal pain when I try to lure her. What do I do? How do I do this?

Regards,

Disturbed Man

Dear Disturbed Man,

Thank you for sharing with me. I understand that when we have a partner who we are married to, we tend to assume that they would be willing to explore sex and define pleasure the way we define it.

We all are different beings and we all define pleasure differently

Sometimes, conversations are the best mood enhancers. Try speaking to her about what she enjoys in sex. Ask her how she would like to be touched and where are her pleasure points. Give her the time that she needs to figure out and most importantly space. Do not insist that she has sex with you when she doesn’t feel inclined.

Try checking with her. Try enhancing your understanding of her bodily needs. If she feel vaginal pain and asks you to stop – then stop. If she feels like having sex still, try lubrication or visit a good sexologist to understand and figure out a way.

Give it time.

Regards,
RainbowMan

P.S. Ask and you shall receive – all answers.

‘I Get Aroused By Women in their Blouse or Leggings’

Hi RainbowMan,

I am a 42-yr-old man. I feel very aroused looking at women in saree or legging. If inners like bra are seen through blouse I feel very horny. I don't feel horny much towards women with perfect figure. I don't mind over sized women. Is this a psychological problem?

Regards,
Mr. Perplexed

Dear Mr Perplexed

Thanks for sharing with me.

No, I don’t think anything is wrong with you just because you like fantasising about women in a certain attire or in her inners. Just go with the flow. Many people have a “type” that they feel aroused to.

As long as it is not stalking, but “looking” and done with absolute consent – it is not a problem. There is nothing wrong with you. I don’t think it is any psychological “problem”. However, if this is making you too anxious and worried, do seek the help of a counsellor to help you analyse things and find calm.

Regards,
RainbowMan

(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to [e-mail].)

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)