Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to sexolve@thequint.com.
This week’s Q&A is below:
‘My Wife Says No to Sex’
Dear RainbowMan,
We have been married for 12 years . We both are 46. Our sex life is badly suffering since the last four years. Ours was a love marriage and we used to have sex before marriage and she was very fond of it at that time. But slowly after marriage, she started losing her interest in it. This has even started leading to fights between us. I am very fond and very active in this act. But from the last two years, she has started refusing and saying ‘no’. I am suffering a lot due to it. Tried couple of times in these but ended up having fight over it.
Not finding any way out for this as i love having sex but from last few years i am starving.
Frustrated Individual
Dear Frustrated Individual,
Firstly, maybe I am 12 years too late to wish you, but I am happy to read that you took your love affair to the stage of marriage. Congratulations on that.
In these 12 years, there might have been moments when you felt too close to her, moments when you realized that you both are not on the same page on issues, moments when you got irritated and moments where she got pissed. I
It may seem like you have had a lifetime of memories with her, and are left asking for more. The more you are with your partner, the more you discover.
There would have also been moments when you discovered that things that you said you never liked suddenly after marriage you have started loving the same things, and moments that you thought you loved, were suddenly something that you detested. The point I am making is that familiarly breeds love, familiarity also breeds disinterest and contempt.
Things change, people change, time changes, and our desires also change. And change is not always a bad thing as long as you can discuss and amend things.
We all have bodily needs, sexual needs are a part of it. I am not upset with your wife for her change in sexual desires. However, it would be ideal for the couple to discuss this further as it is not just about her disinterest but also about your interest in sex.
Please have a conversation with her. Let this conversation be when you guys are not in a sexual mood or a sexualized setting.
Have it while having your breakfast or dinner over the table. Or in the hall while watching films. Ensure that you have no bodily contact with her while you are discussing this. Tell her that you feel the need for physical touch and intimacy and seek her advice. Don’t demand, or complain, seek her inputs and understand her.
Also check with her, if she is unwilling for sex and you are willing for sex, would she mind if you sought to fulfill your desires outside the marriage.
An expert party intervention could help greatly. If she doesn’t agree to discuss, ask her if she will be willing to accompany you for a joint counselling session with a psychologist.
If she is unwilling to discuss, or even come to a psychologist. You should be deciding on where you wish to take this relationship. Do you wish to make adjustments in your life to accommodate her lack of interest in sex, or is sexual intimacy very important to you and you would need to take drastic decisions about your relationship with the person?
Things get better with a better discussion between the couple. I hope it gets better for you two too.
Smiles
RainbowMan
P.S. Psychologist intervention would be the best idea.
‘My Girlfriend Is Cheating on Me and Using Me for My Money’
Dear RainbowMan,
I have been with my girl friend for almost two years now. Every time she reaches home after our date, I regularly send her a message to check if she is safe and if she has reached home. It is only out of concern and nothing else. The reply that I get from her is rather upsetting. She told me once “You have not opened a bank account or bought me data bundles, so do not interfere and ask me such questions” . It is her way of saying, “Mind Your Own Business”.
But nowadays, she gets in touch with me only when she wants money. Also, I have seen her post other guys on her Whatsapp status.
Once, she and I were at the beach and she suddenly got a call. She told me that her girl friends are at the beach and she would like to meet them. She left, she kept me waiting and did not pick up her phone when I repeatedly called her. After waiting for over half an hour, I received a text from her saying that she is coming. I was annoyed. Really annoyed. So when she came I started shouting at her. She responded by saying “Don’t disgrace me, people are watching”. Suddenly, some bystander intervened and asked me who I was. I told him that I am her boyfriend. He got annoyed and was about to slap my girlfriend. I stopped him.
Later, I realized he was the guy she had gone to meet and not the “girlfriends”. I think she is after his money also.
My question is – should I trust this lady or should I quit? I feel she is cheating. She does not allow me to go through her phone. She says it is her personal and secret life and that I don’t have any right to go through her phone... I need her. How can I ensure that she stays?
Terrific lover.
Dear Terrific Lover,
Thank you for sharing your personal life with me. I know love is not as easy as it seems and it sometimes is elusive even when it is around.
I am going to be as frank as I can with you when I respond to this message.
First things first, you both, you and your lover, are two different people with your own personal space. Though there may be things that you may share.
There are things that you both would not want to share with each other. And that’s how it should be. There are always things that are out of bounds to lovers, each other’s phones could be one such thing.
You think she is in the relationship for money? I don’t know about that…
Maybe it is time for you to ask yourself what are you in this relationship for? What do you wish to give to this relationship? What do you wish to seek from this relationship?
The question should really be about you. When I read your mail, I can figure that you feel used and emotionally tormented in this relationship. You constantly have a feeling that you have been taken for a ride. And your frustration is taking you to a point of wanting to look into her phone and also to the point of shouting at her publicly.
I don’t know if she is two-timing you or if she is in the relationship for the money, but I do know that you are unhappy and there is no element of trust left in the relationship.
Maybe, it would be a good idea to sit down and politely discuss with her the future course of the relationship.
It is good to quit something that has no trust especially when the love in itself seems fake to one of the lovers.
I’d suggest that you both have a mature discussion in a low pitch in a decent language minus expletives. Do consider the option of departing as much as you consider the idea of reconciliation.
I wish you both the best.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Smiles
RainbowMan
P.S. Love without trust in each other, is love gone stale.
‘Is My Wife Turning into a Gay Man?’
Dear RainbowMan,
I am a 29-year-old man with a wife who is also my age. Three years into our marriage, we are still madly in love with each other. We love each other and we love each other’s bodies also just like we did when we first made love. However there is something weird that I found that I wanted to share with you and seek your reactions – I am sorry but this may seem very difficult for you to read. I am a little nervous and ashamed because my wife got a fake penis and tied it on to her vagina and had sex with me last night on my anus. I was screaming in pain, but she added lubrication and convinced me to take it in. She also put lipstick on my lips and pinched my nipples. Is my wife turning into a man? Is there some ghost inside her who is a gay man? She was also behaving like she was drunk or something. Is there something wrong with her? Should I tell her that this needs to stop? I am really confused. I really love my wife. I don’t even know if this is even appropriate to share but I need your advice. I hope you don’t laugh at my question.
Hubby-In-Confusion
Dear Hubby-In-Confusion,
Thank you for writing in. I’m really happy to see that you and your partner are so much in love with each other I know therefore that your question comes a place of concern and clarification.
First things first, your wife is not possessed. She has no ghost in her. What she is doing is called “pegging”. The fake penis tied to her body you mentioned is called a “strap on”. I know of many women who enjoy this form of sex.
About her applying lipstick on you, maybe she is interested in a role play, where in a reversal of sorts, she plays the man and you the woman? She is not turning into a man. And definitely not into a gay man - be rest assured that she is merely role-playing.
If you do not appreciate the pegging and the role-play, please tell her. Your sex is better without that as well. However, you would need to tell her frankly that you dislike pegging and that it is painful.
Just as your wife doesn’t have a devil in possession of her body, you wife isn’t god either. She is human and she cannot read your mind. She would need you to tell her that you dislike something.
Love,
RainbowMan
P.S. Pleasure and Discomfort don’t go hand in hand.
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)
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