Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to sexolve@thequint.com.
This week’s Q&As below:
Of Homosexual Encounters
Dear RainbowMan,
I am a 27-year-old man from rural Maharashtra. I am an MBA and have been living away from my family in Pune for the past 10 years. I live a very happy life in Pune. I am very very close to my family. I feel like making them a part of my life here in the city. I don’t want them to live in the village all their lives where there is very little comfort. They say that they are happy living there. They say they are content with their simple life and do not like living in the city. So my first question is how do I convince them? My second question is somewhat personal. I get a lot of heat. I mean, lot of heat for sex. So sometimes I am unable to control it. Last December, I got heated up with my roommate who sleeps with me. After that we have been having condom sex every day. I am not “homo”. But I don’t mind “homosex”. Should I stop this, because I am not “homo”? Or should I continue till I get married? Please guide, my head is spinning thinking about it.
Worried Man
Dear Worried Man,
Thank you so much for writing in and sharing your personal life with me. Also, it feels nice to read that you are leading a happy and content life. You have asked me two questions, let me answer them one after the other.
Your first question is about convincing your parents to come and stay with you in the city as YOU believe that it is more comfortable in the city. I can read from your own admission that your parents believe they are living a happy life in the village. Why do you believe that life is better in the city? Are the parameters that help you gauge whether the life quality is good the same for you and your parents? What if they value fresh air, open grass and clear sky more than the comfort of having running water and air-conditioning? The point is that they are adults, they can decide for themselves. I know the feeling of being away from home could make one homesick. So maybe it would be a good idea to call them to stay with you for long periods of time. You could create occasions and celebrations when they are with you which would make them more interested in coming to you.
Nothing however beats the old art of speaking to the heart. Speak to them openly, tell them about your insecurities and fears. Tell them that you value them and would like them to be a part of your life.
Keep the faith.
From your second question, I gather that you are speaking about feeling sexual quite often. Something that you have described as heat.
First of all, HOMO is an offensive word, use the full phrase homosexual or gay.
There is nothing wrong in feeling sexual. When you do not have a partner, it is okay to relieve yourself through masturbation.
Regarding your sexual relationship with your male friend, you don’t need to be apologetic about your sexual encounters as long as they are consensual and protected. I am happy that you use a condom.
Consent is key. Consent is sexy.
Also, regarding you having sex with a man, men having sex with men is not rare occurrence. Not all men who have sex with men identify as gay or bi. Some do it because they feel like doing it, but do not subscribe to the idea of spending entire lives like that. As long as you don’t turn nasty with homosexuals, you have all the right to not define yourself as homosexual.
Your sexuality is what you define for yourself, let the world take a chill pill.
Of Body Image Issues
Dear RainbowMan,
It's amazing to see how you have been supporting others with their problems and helping them out. I have a unique problem. I am 20 years old and already started losing a huge amount of hair which makes me look older. To top that, I also have an enormous amount of my body covered with hair. This has caused a problem of me not being able to grow confidence and get intimate with anyone. Whenever I think of approaching someone my mind starts working out the cons of doing such a thing. This problem has made me lose my confidence in myself and has made me feel depressed. I am having trouble getting through my career. Please help.
Thanks
Depressed Soul
Dear Depressed Soul,
Thank you for writing in. I know the feeling when your body type becomes the topic of discussion in your head. You are at an impressionable age when you see people hitting the gym and start working on looking good to impress people. Our yardsticks for measurement are mostly our peers and those with chiseled bodies and perfect shapes and size.
When we are waiting in the line of acceptance, we often look at people, who we think are better off, and curse ourselves for how far behind we are.
How about changing the point of view a little? How about looking at people who don’t have things we take for granted and in humility and humbleness expressing gratitude for getting the gift of the body that you have?
I haven’t seen your picture, but I can tell you that you discredit yourself. In a world where bald is beautiful, you hardly have anything to be pissed about. You are bald and you are therefore sexy.
Smiles
RainbowMan
Of Problematic Husbands
Dear RainbowMan,
My wife is speaking to my watchman everyday at 8 pm at the gate. I confronted her and told her not to do that. She said that he is her friend and she will continue to talk to him. Now, my wife is pregnant and I think the child is my watchman’s. How do I check on my wife, should I test my wife with the doctor again?
Worried Husband
Dear Worried Husband,
Please visit a psychologist very soon.
Your wife should not and I hope will not go for any test. You need to go for psychological counselling to change your mindset.
Smiles
RainbowMan
(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to sexolve@thequint.com)
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)
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