Sexolve 76: iPhone X is Creating Trouble in My Marriage

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on The Quint.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationships, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As below:

‘My Husband Buys an iPhone Every Year’

Hello RainbowMan,

I am a 30-year-old happily married woman. I love my husband and he loves me too. He is in a good job that pays him well enough to sustain but not afford several luxuries. I am currently without a job since I need to take care of my three-year-old baby at home.

My husband is a gadget-holic and spends lot of money on gadgets. Every year, he buys an iPhone in spite of his previous iPhone working fine. This issue always creates fights between us as I have always advised him not to spend too much money on unimportant things in life, but he never listens.

Now, he has purchased iPhone X worth Rs 89,000 which has just been launched. He says he has great interest in iPhones, but what about my interests? Whenever I want to buy something, I always have to take his permission. Sometimes he agrees, sometimes not because it is his money after all. But that's not the case with his wishes. He always thinks about himself.

What should I do ? I am really fed up of his useless expenditure. Since he is earning and I am not, the final decision in monetary matters is always taken by him. I feel inferior and sometimes, even jealous of him. Being a wife should I not suggest my husband to control expenses or should I leave him alone to live his own life ? Please suggest.

Distraught Wife

Dear Distraught Wife,

Thank you for trusting me with this. It is indeed a challenging time. Your partner needs to understand that for ensuring that you both have a happy family and a child, it is you who has sacrificed your job and financial independence. You giving birth to a child is not really choice you had between the two, but bringing up a child is equally his responsibility.

In the beginning first sentence you recognised yourself as a “happily married woman”. It basically says a lot about the fact that you are disturbed but somewhere your love for him is still alive. While it is his prerogative to spend the money he earns the way he wants, he has to be aware that it is your support in raising the child that has unburdened him from many responsibilities.

I would suggest that you have a dining table conversation with him but sans any emotion. Ensure that it is not a complaint but a serious heart-to-heart yet business like conversation.

Also while I acknowledge that it is easy to suggest, and I am not living your life to understand the tremendous challenges and sacrifices that come with being a primary caregiver to a child, I would still make a suggestion.

Please take time for yourself. Get yourself a job. Get independent. Use the services of a reputed crèche where you could leave your child everyday. Speak to relatives/ parents to help you out. Parenting is one of the greatest joys, I understand. However, independence has its own sweet aroma that you should experience.

Good Luck!

RainbowMan

‘Is Excessive Masturbation Making Me Dark Skinned?’

Dear Rainbow Man,

I am a 22-year-old man. I have been masturbating since the age of 12. Over time, I have also become wheatish from white. Is too much masturbation making me dark skinned? I am deeply disturbed. Please help!

Concerned Guy

Dear Concerned Guy,

There has been no such conclusive evidence that speaks about the relation of skin colour with masturbation. Not to the best of my knowledge. I am thinking... if there was, people in the West would be masturbating in their bathrooms more often just to get a tanned skin and not spend hours in beaches instead.

I am not trying to be philosophical but practical when I tell you that it helps when our confidence is determined by our talents and perseverance and not the colour of our skin.

Beauty is not skin-deep. Darling, love the person under your skin. The glow from within is the best glow ever.

Smiles

RainbowMan

‘A Friend is Giving Me Mixed Signals’

Dear RainbowMan,

There is a friend of mine who is giving me mixed signals and would request you to kindly help me understand him better, as I have no one to ask this.

About 8 months back, I went to a store where I first met him. He was the owner of the store. So we just greeted each other. On my 2nd or 3rd visit, we started talking and in another couple of visits, we became friends. This store is extremely close to my house, so I started visiting it almost daily. We started hanging out together in cafes, chatting about anything and everything. Meetings converted into calls and WhatsApp messages.

All of this used to happen daily.

In less than a month and a half, while chatting, he said I am one of his closest friends and that he cherishes our friendship. I wasn't sure about being a ‘best friend’ so I avoided the comment. He used to touch my shoulder and back a lot. On insisting, he stopped.

We both are frequent travellers for our respective businesses. We both are doing very well in our respective work. Wherever we are, we have a habit of staying in touch. He is single and I am married with a child.

Four months into our friendship, he got seriously ill and I was extremely concerned about him. It took time but he got back to normal. During this time, I realised I loved him. Meanwhile, he had to travel out of India. While boarding the flight and before switching off the mobile, he messaged me “I love you too much”. I was taken aback and I replied saying that the feeling is mutual.

My problem is that if he loves me why doesn't he say it? If at all this is love, then why does he regard me as a brother at times?

I have never told my straight friends “I love you”, “I miss you”. Why does he say so?

Yesterday, when I texted him saying that he is more than a friend to me, he only attached a blushing smiley. I feel that he hasn't approached me because I am married and he is single.

What should I do? Should I go ahead and tell him about my feelings?

Confused Guy

Dear Confused Guy,

I understand the pain, the agony and the frustration you are going through. Believe me, love, even the feeling of it, isn’t as easy as it seems. Love is complicated. And in this case, is a little more.

Your heterosexual marriage could be one of the reasons for him to be a little hesitant. Irrespective of the gender – for the other man or the other woman – it is not an easy decision to be seen as the “other” in the society. Especially when the other is seen as a home-breaker or a deviant in the society at large.

Maybe, you should give him time and space to make up his mind and perhaps things would get easier with time.

Where does your heterosexual relationship with your wife stand in all of this? What about your responsibilities there? A little more clarity on that front with him may also help further your relationship with him.

I am sure that with so much love in your heart, you wouldn’t want to hurt your wife and child too. Please tread cautiously, considerately and patiently.

Love is love, I don’t judge you for loving anyone. But love is tricky too. Let’s just ensure that we don’t hurt anyone in the pursuit of love.

Smiles,

RainbowMan

(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to [e-mail])

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)

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