Sexolve 74: My Wife is Extremely Scared of Intercourse

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on The Quint.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationships, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As below:

‘My Wife is Extremely Scared of Intercourse’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 32 year old man. It's been a couple of months now that I have been married, but I am yet to engage in actual intercourse with my wife. She is extremely scared about it and does not feel comfortable when we try.

I have tried convincing her and also tried to create a mood many times but in the end, we just resort to masturbation.

I don’t how to deal with this.

Married Man

Dear Married Man,

Thank you for writing in and trusting your personal details with me. In a world where sanity hangs by a thread, your patience, empathy and respect for your partner’s wishes is commendable. I would not demean you for thanking you for a simple act of understanding and humanity. You are a considerate man.

I would suggest that you get in touch with a doctor to seek their advice on how you could make it least painful for her. Have you tried lubrication? It could help easing the passage of the penis into the vagina. But as I mentioned, it is best to have a doctor advise you on the same. There should be no shame in speaking to a doctor/ sexologist.

Do you engage in conversations before the act or do you simply dive into it? Sexual conversations sometimes are comforting and sometimes could also bring out some other reasons for the fear of penetration. Do engage in loads of that.

Though we should steer away from any assumptions, I should share that several women and men are afraid of penetration because of experiences of sexual violence that leaves a sour memory forever.

Good luck. I wish that things get better for the both of you soon.

Hugs,

RainbowMan

‘I Have An Awesome Erection While Watching Porn But Not in Real Life’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am really getting upset by things happening in life. It is leading to depression. I am a happily married man to a wonderful wife for the past 3 years. My sex life was awesome and we used to enjoy it very much. Of late, I am not sure what has gone wrong and where. I guess too many people are jealous. All because of bad eyes.

Let me tell you, we get in the swing and play kinky. But when its time to go to the next step, I lose my erection. Not sure what’s the issue, but all of a sudden I lose it.

Though I've noticed that whenever I watch porn, I have an awesome erection and last till the climax (self). But I am not able to do it in real life. This is causing me to get into depression. I watch frequent porn though.

Please advice me on what should be done. Is it any malfunction in my body and should I meet the doctor soon?

Looking forward for your advice. Thanks in advance.

Regards

Troubled Man

Dear Troubled Man,

Your marriage is still young. I assume you would be in your late 20s or early 30s. It is an age when we have multiple focuses – building a career, ensuring financial wellness and planning a family. Maybe, it is stress that causes the disinterest in sex?

It always helps when you change the surrounding, take a vacation with your partner and make it a sexation, make love in loads and sink yourself in kink as much as you both would enjoy.

Sometimes, you literally need to take a flight to fantasy. Try that. Sometimes changing sexual position helps, sometimes changing the setting helps. Back home, may you could could try changing the colour of your walls, the curtains and mood lightings, hope that could re-ignite the lost mood and sustain your erection for the act.

Also, being healthy without vices of smoking or drinking way too regularly, could help in overall wellness including sexual wellness.

And probably kissi ki bhi nazar nahi lagi hai. I’m not belittling your belief in “nazar lag jaana”, I am just suggesting that we value science too. Sexual wellness is a part of wellness. It is always advisable to visit a doctor, a sexologist to seek professional inputs.

Smiles

RainbowMan

‘I Have Developed a Third Testicle’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 26-year old gay boy. I recently figured out that I have developed a third testicle. Is this because of gay activities? I am having a lot of sperm. Is the third testicle causing it? Please respond. I really want to seek answers.

Mister Curious

Dear Mister Curious,

I don't know about what “gay activities” you are speaking about? I assume that you mean sexual relationship with a male partner. The answer is no.

Irrespective of how enormous your libido is, irrespective of whether you are gay, bi or straight, I don’t see it creating another “testicle”. Though it would need examination by a doctor to determine of it is a testicle.

Having more than 2 testicles is called polyorchidism. It is a very rare condition. But are you certain that it is the third testicle and not anything else? I am glad that you are self aware about your body but I recommend that you visit a doctor to examine to rule out any incorrect self diagnoses. When in doubt, always seek advice of a professional.

Love,

RainbowMan

(The copy of the text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the person. You can send in your questions to [e-mail])

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)

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