Disclaimer: I swear that none of the doctors mentioned in this article are alive. For if I were to admit so, I would be dead….
So, you’re done with medical school, an internship, your PG... phew! You’re a fully qualified gynaecologist now.
You have become an expert in issues relating to the female reproductive system. In your skilled hands lie the Universe’s miracles of birth and death.
There is just ONE tiny problem.
As a woman, you hated being with women. You liked men. But your parents did not want you to become an architect.
“In our conservative community, nobody will marry an over qualified girl. Ladies doctor – good match!” they tell you, firmly finalising your career path for you.
So, resentfully, you adopt this career which takes you out in the middle of the night, makes you dig in, prod, heave, pull, and remain relegated to the nether regions of every woman’s anatomy all your life.
Disgusting, you protest!
Ah, well! You set up your medieval torture chamber, replete with torture instruments they have fancy names for – Speculum, Scalpel, Vulsellum, Forceps… the works. (Which doctor in her right mind wouldn’t feel powerful?!)
You determine to hear the jingle of money. Lots of it. So forward you launch…
The Gynaecologist Who Dreamt of Becoming an Architect
You wanted to build; now you have to tear. So you do so ferociously. Why waste time on natural births, you decide – let’s cut her open for a C-Section!
In walks your patient – what else? A woman!
You strap her feet up in stirrups and dig the cold metal probe in...right in... If the woman screams in pain, you simply say rudely, “Relax! You are an adult woman, aren’t you? Just be quiet!”
To jack up your fee, you bandy around wise acronyms such as IUD, STI and the HPV Virus. The trick is to write a long grocery list of all the tests that the hapless woman will need to become “normal”. And you do so enthusiastically, writing out (please remember to always be illegible!) names of pre-fixed technicians who will give you your “cut.”
But please remember to always hide that underlying rage – the prime motivator for all your actions – under a sweet smile. The busier you keep them, the more confused they will become and the more times they will seek you out.
And finally, one day, you will feel the “high” an architect feels after building something. For you would have finally “built” a wealthy life for yourself!
The Male Gynaecologist and his Cup of Joy
Now if you are a male gynaecologist, you are the fortunate one.
In which other profession can you make a girl blush, ask her to drop her pants, check out her assets and have the entire treasure trove of goodies displayed willingly in front of you?
So go on, old boy, as long as there are women, their ladies’ parts and the emotion of self preservation, you are sorted, I tell ya!
Watch this space next week for more Medical Practitioners’ lores – such as the Psychiatrist. And if you think this series is too ‘doctor-oriented’, Neelam Kumar is all poised to write patient spoofs next!
Related Links in the Series:
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(Neelam Kumar has battled cancer twice. A writer of 5 books, including one with Mr Khushwant Singh, Neelam’s latest book ‘To Cancer, With Love – My Journey of Joy’ was published by Hay House Publishers in 2015. It is the first humorous book on cancer to come out of India. Neelam lives in Mumbai and can be reached at neelamku@yahoo.com)
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