My ever perceptive first-born picked up on it the moment he got off the school bus. “Why do you look so sad Mama?”
I wondered how to present what I was feeling in as sanitized a way as possible. “I’m sad because people are fighting, and hurting each other in our city” I replied.
How do you talk about violence with your child?
I found myself unsure. Are these topics that take away from the vulnerability and innocence of childhood? Should we just let kids hold on to idealistic tenets like freedom of speech, rejecting violence, kindness and empathy?
As Dr Amit Sen, a child psychiatrist with Children First puts it, “ Some of the conversation will depend on who’s been targeted in that violence, is it a close family member or even a parent? The proximity of it intensifies the impact for the child. Then the trauma can be very deep and damaging. It can lead to depression, behavioural disorders, PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder) and extreme anxiety . The experience can be damaging for life."
For children, who have been through the last 72 hours of carnage in several parts of Delhi, the fear is very real. It has meant seeing loved ones in danger or injured. It has also meant going without food for fear of stepping out of their homes and seeing their parents stay up all night because sleep may bring death.
For them, the memories are traumatic.
Dr Shefali, a Senior Consultant Psychiatrist and the Founder of MINDFRAMES explains,
She adds, "The other variety of emotional reaction in children is one of immense fear. Violence allows children to believe that they're unsafe. It makes them anticipate uncertainty, pain, loss, damage, and separation from their loved ones. This is why anxiety and depression goes up significantly in these children. Either way they don't function normally.”
Violence in Real Life vs Violence via Social Media
There are also extremely different ways of experiencing communal violence. A large universe of children is listening in on tense dining table conversations, prime time news-bulletins and may even be watching the scores of WhatsApp videos, that document the brutal violence, being circulated.
As Shivani Chandra, a counsellor and educationist observes, “ Being witness to acts of violence or living in an area that has been hit by communal hostility leaves very different impressions, as compared to reading about the brutality or seeing images of it.”
So, how should one approach this? To begin with, how does one explain the many complex layers within communal violence. Religion, hate, making the active choice to use violent crime to resolve conflict. How do young children decode what they’re seeing unfolding before their eyes?
Dr Sen says, “ For those who have experienced it first hand, providing a space to speak about it becomes important. Don’t coax and goad them to talk . There was a view earlier that debriefing or getting a child to recount the incident was important , but now we know that is counterproductive. Activities like art and movement may help children make some sense of the trauma. The problem is when the children cannot express themselves, either because they are too young or because there is no safe space to talk about it.”
For the other, larger universe of children who are reading and hearing about acts of communal hatred, there is fear, confusion and anxiety but it isn’t completely internalised. There is a different problem brewing.
Indeed for many households, talk of religious hatred and it’s violent outcomes is classified under the “bad thing” category, much like sexual abuse. So, the solution that is most often chosen, is, if we don’t talk about it, it won’t exist.
Create Safe Spaces
He also points out that while talking through communal violence, adults need to be careful about not taking an antagonistic stand, as children may end up either holding on to a feeling of victimhood or seeking retribution.
Conversations should be enabled in different spaces for children to talk about this and answers should be given with honesty.
It’s essential to reiterate to every child that come what may, there will always be someone for you; family, school, friends - whoever is seen as a safe group through the child’s eyes.
The conversation may also take on more complex dimensions in inter-faith marriages. A young parent (identity withheld ) explains, “We’ve always celebrated the diversity of cultures at home. Neither of us would suppress our religion, so there was no “out-religion”. Now we don’t know how to explain this to our children because there are no binary outcomes, it’s not a bad versus good scenario.”
The last time schools were shut down because of violence in the city, my daughter was dressed and ready to participate in the fun on Children’s Day. As we explained that it wasn’t going to be possible to go to school, her small shoulders slumped and large tears rolled down her cheeks. Faltering through the sadness that choked her voice she said “That isn’t fair.”
It may not seem a big deal to you and I, but it was a big deal to her.
And it is a big deal to a young child who can’t step out to play with his friends for fear of being attacked.
It is also a big deal to a child for whom an entire year of her academic life is at stake because examinations in the area she lives in just cannot be held as violence engulf her neighbourhood.
And it most certainly means a lot to a child who has lost a parent or a loved one in this mindless ( there, I said it, mindless ) brutality.
Kahlil Gibran wrote, ‘You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.’ As history has taught us, when the arrows are dipped in the ink of violence, the pain lasts forever.
In their research report published in The Indian Journal of Social Work, volume 63, issue 2, from April 2002 , H.S. Dhavale, Leena Damani, Jahnavi Kedare, Shanu Jethani and Sumit Sharma , wrote on the Mumbai violence:
“Unfortunately, in the same year, in December 1992 and in January 1993, communal riots erupted and threw the entire city into confusion. People witnessed large-scale violence unknown to the peaceful city of Mumbai. There were dead bodies on the roads, hospitals were full of injured, which included stab injuries, bullet wounds, and so on. As if this was not enough, when Mumbai was limping back to normalcy on March 12, 1993, a barrage of bomb blasts took place in the city resulting in house collapses, massive fires, and loss of lives. As always happens in such cases, it is the children who are the worst affected in a variety of ways.”
The report documents notes written by children who were affected by the violence.
An eight year old girl wrote, 'I don't know why people hate us, aren't we all God's children?'
An 11 year old had written this poem:
Blood, blood all around;
Blood, blood on the ground;
Bang, bang and a cry;
Blood, blood I don't know why?
(Mitali Mukherjee is Consulting Business Editor at The Wire. She has a Master’s degree in working with Children with Learning Disabilities, from SNDT Mumbai)
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