Some directors just want to see the world burn. And if you’ve decided to read this piece, then we’re assuming three things:
a) You’re loaded,
b) You’re best pals with Ajay Devgn and
c) You love to *boom* blow up cars.
Without these you can not... just CAN NOT make a Rohit Shetty film! But if you still want to attempt making a flick which’ll be a ‘meh’ two-starrer, but will fetch you loads of moolah at the box office, here are the five steps you need to take:
1. Get Shah Rukh Khan
Get SRK on board, find an actress who’ll make for a ‘good jodi’ that the audience has been waiting to watch! If you can’t afford King Khan, then get your trusted Ajay Devgn to make a splashing entry and not just once, but again and again and again. For him, Kareena, ok.
2. Who Needs an Original Storyline?
Go back to your southern roots…copy Veetuku Veedu to make All the Best. Then copy Singam to make Singham…always a good idea! Or better still, ruin some classics. Ajay Devgn will tell you how. Why just the script, lift scenes too! You could take them shot by shot from Hollywood films, or even some Windows 95 wallpapers.
3. Pick a Picturesque Location
Goa always works. If you can’t shoot then just talk about it. Holiday ka holiday, cultural appropriation ka cultural appropriation - ’cause that always works in a Rohit Shetty film.
4. Get Some Budget Actors
Hire a bunch of budget actors like Shreyas Talpade, Arshad Warsi and this guy whose name no one knows (that moochad guy) to work with you. Then crack jokes on them! Har actor ke saath self-referencing jokes bilkul muft muft muft!
5. Don’t Forget to Get a DON
Oh and you need a don. Cheesy ya sauve, villain obvious hona chahiye. Because Rohit Shetty doesn’t want you to bring your brain to the theatre. That’s why he puts sound effects in the backdrop, so you know when to laugh.
BONUS:
6. Toss and Blast Some Gorgeous Cars
How could we forget! Throw in several slow motion action scenes, a few navel shots and, some family friendly beach songs in between all the jokes. And of course, burn stuff! A montage of bursts will fit perfectly anywhere in your film.
And that’s how you make a Rohit Shetty film and enter the Rs 300 crore club... Again and again and again!
(This story is from The Quint’s archives and was first published on 14 March 2016. It is being republished to mark Rohit Shetty’s birthday.)
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