Dear Yo Yo,
Welcome back! You’ve supposedly returned from rehab (can we talk about it yet?) and already made quite a resounding comeback. At least verbally. I mean, it’s barely been minutes since you found your feet in tinsel town and you’ve already trashed your ‘competitor’ Badshah, telling the world how if you’re a Rolls Royce, he’s a Nano. Cough*deluded*cough.
See, truth be told, most of us are glad you’re back. At least on the music front. ‘Yo yo’ just rolls off the tongue better; it’s easier to be drunk and raise your hands in all sorts of warped positions and try to do that ‘yo yo’ finger sign – whatever that means.
You can’t do stuff like that with ‘Badshah’, the name’s too... been there, done that.
Anyway, let’s skip past all the salutations and bring you up to speed with the world in general. At least, the world that directly concerns you anyway.
Did someone tell you about the Union Budget yet? I’m afraid there’s bits and pieces in there that might halt a party or two (the kind you like to host). See now, tobacco’s gotten much more expensive: the excise duty on the good ol’ cigarette is up by 10-15 percent. And what of the guests that would eat their cake and watch you too? That’s steep too; service tax is now 15 percent, up from the original 14.5 – in case you were thinking of serenading restaurant regulars.
Forget all that; this is boring business to you, we know. You’ve already made your intentions pretty clear from the moment you stepped out into the clean, fresh, gaumutra-infested air (no no, let that one go) of freedom when you took Badshah head on. We appreciate the acrimony, Yo Yo, but er, you sure you want to start off with a part in a movie called Zorawar? No offence, but your last outing (The, umm, Expose?) didn’t inspire much confidence.
But then, you might just swing it if you threw in a few bottles of vodka and a reference to rich, rouged-up girls with daddy issues. Yes yes, that’s the way forward, surely.
Now that we’re all decided and happy, let’s get back to the pressing problem, shall we? What do you plan to do about Badshah? It’s all well and good to tell reporters – “have you ever ridden a Rolls Royce and a Nano? That’s the difference between us” – but in terms of who-gets-more-drunken-people-dancing-at-shady-bars, the vote’s swinging slightly in favour of Badshah. You have been gone a while, Yo Yo – and the Nikke Nikke Shots are edging out the Angreji Beats.
You could always make an appearance to truly mark your comeback. And no place like TV right? How about a quick stint on the Kapil Sharma-show stealer Comedy Nights Bachao? It’s like the cheaper version of the original, and could be your first step to regaining the club kingdom.
You might also want to snake in a bit of PR while you’re at it. We heard through the many, many grapevines (that are not really grapevines) that you and SRK got into a brawl and that Shah Rukh apparently slapped you? We also heard that you swore to have nothing to do with him anymore? Tsk tsk. That just won’t do. Pop in a DVD of the Bigg Boss episodes where SRK and Sallu Bhai did some Jai-Veeru bonhomie (it happened while you were away). Those episodes garnered TRPs – and a lawsuit to boot. Talk about success.
So make amends with King Khan, Yo Yo. Or at least stage a photo op. It’ll do wonders for you.
In the meantime, hear us while we wish you a very, very happy birthday. We have missed you, truly. And there’s only so much nikke shots we can do before we dive for chaar bottles of vodka.
Welcome back to ruling the world of alcohol-ridden sexism and self-indulgence, Mr Honey Singh.
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