#PatakhaHayeHaye: Why Say Yes to Asthma this Diwali?

This Diwali, spread love, care & asthma. It is for the betterment of society, writes Vidur Bahl (sarcasm alert!).

A labourer works at a firecracker factory on the outskirts of the northeastern city of Siliguri. (Photo: Reuters)

“YES TO ASTHMA! YES TO ASTHMA! YES TO ASTHMA!”, chanted the millions who had gathered to celebrate the festival of asthma (cough, Diwali, cough).

After a while, it seemed as if the chorus got synchronised and was oddly soothing to the ear. HA! I got you! That was all made up to confuse you into believing something… I’m not sure what, but something for sure.

So today, just a few hours from the auspicious event of pollution (cough, Diwali, cough), we are not going to talk about how celebrating Diwali is slowly killing all of us, we are going to talk about the upside of it all. The advantage of Asthma (that’s what I thought I would call this post, but then why?).

Let’s get right to it, bursting firecrackers has been a part of Diwali culture for a long time (some 50 years or so). Nowadays, everyone has started to ostracise (YAY! I used a big word!) that one uncle on the street who spends lakhs of rupees on patakhas, but no one recognizes their contribution to the economy and to the society.

When they spend tons of money on patakhas, they’re contributing to the economy of the country, making it stronger. The fumes from their patakas gets a lot of people down with asthma, when they get asthma they’ll go to the doctor, which makes the doctor more financially stable. The doctor will prescribe some drug, so the patient will have to buy it, therefore contributing to the economy. Some cases are so severe that the patient needs to be hospitalized, which means hospital costs, again contributing to the economy.

Also, many of these people end up dying, so it also is reducing the population of India, which means more food, area and oxygen for everyone else (cross out that last one).

A lot of stray animals also end up dying, THANK GOD someone is killing of those ferocious, murderous, the opposite of innocent dogs! I mean, they don’t even belong on earth! Who cares about them!?

Its almost like we are distributing asthma for free. “lo bhaiyya, aap bhi thoda sa asthma le lo, arre arre thank you toh mat boliye, dosti mein no sorry, no thank you.”

So this Diwali, spread love, care and lots of asthma. It’s for the betterment of society. Please.

(Vidur Bahl is 14-years-old. He often shares his views on The Quint.)