Mommy Worries: I Swear, Therefore I Am

I’ll die laughing if my baby’s first word is a swear word, but my family will surely strangle me, says Simrat Ghuman

Worries of a new mommy. (Photo Courtesy: Simrat Ghuman)

I have a confession to make and I hope my parents don’t disown me subsequently. I am a prolific swearer. More to the point, I kinda love swearing. I am never satisfied venting frustration, anger, disbelief, happiness unless I use those words, and I feel lighter afterwards. Some people are joyously, colourfully profane but I’m not there yet (not that I’m on a quest to get there!). My swearing is rather uninspired in comparison to Malcolm Tucker, but I revel in the few words I use; hell, damn, bl****, f***, s***, b****** etc. So far, so…okay, but now I have Leo and an increasingly anxious husband to consider.

‘I Swear By Swearing’

Given that when I was growing up, my mother’s knee jerk reaction to hearing me say even the word “Oye!” was a slap on my ear, it’s a bit odd that I have such a potty mouth. Given that no one in my family, not my father, not my uncles, brothers, aunts, sisters, no one at all swears, it’s especially odd, right? Far be it for nice ol’ me to play the blame game, but I think CNN-IBN deserves a special mention. Fresh out of uni, I came to the channel in 2006, and within six months of being smothered in the world of endless deadlines, prime time and stress, I had an arsenal full of English and Hindi profanities.

My life would seem rather dry if I were to stop swearing but I wish the swear words would magically disappear when I’m in company, especially my in-laws’ and Leo’s and reappear when I’m alone. And perhaps therein lies the problem. I am never alone. Not unless Leo’s asleep or with his father or with the nanny for a few hours every week. Another problem is that I personally don’t really have a problem with my swearing; it’s other people who do. I’ve tried switching to fish, fitch, duck, sugar, etc., instead of the real words, but these words are useless and hollow, and almost embarrassed, like they know they are poor stand-ins for the real potent bombs.

The Mommy Worries

And when it comes to children, hey we live in the real world, not in children’s stories with gingerbread houses and oh wait, that’s old, right, now it’d be Harry Potter and broomsticks and Quidditch?! Whatever, you get my point… real world isn’t all cake and icing sugar and thank god for it. Also, children aren’t dumb. If you react with shock/horror, they’re more likely to try and get that reaction again. Conversely, if you don’t react, treat swearing as no big deal, surely, they’re likely to forget about it soon enough and move on to the next exciting thing.

Look, I know my child will swear sooner or later, but if I’m responsible for it, my husband will never let me hear the end of it – and the disappointment in his eyes will kill me, let alone my mother, who will actually come and kill me. Imagine if Leo’s first word is f***. I’ll die laughing. While being strangled by my husband. Or my mother. Or both. #fml ;)

(The author is a former TV journo and currently the Head of Communications and Marketing at Anthemis Group in London. She became Mama to baby Leo in April 2015. She started this blog as an outlet for the intense, roller-coaster experience that pregnancy and motherhood entail. And for recording the journey with as much humour - black mostly - as she can cram in. Oh and dispensing free gyan as she ticks the been there, done that milestones.)

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– Being Here, Doing This: Bringing Up Leo
– Hello Stranger, Here’s Leo, My Baby