What No One Told Me: My Ex-Husband Has it Easier Than I Do

After our divorce, while my ex moved smoothly into a second marriage with no judgement, I was treated with pity.

(Photo: iStock)

Divorce is often treated as a grave punishment for a heinous crime, the consequences of which are to be borne by the divorcee forever.

These days, I often come across numerous blogs and posts on social media that rant about the pressures of marriage on the youth. Most of these articles, often written by authors in their mid and late 20's or even early 30's, talk about how the youth is not prepared for marriage at that age. That this is the time to explore the world, to experience life before being forced to commit to a single relationship and take up parenting responsibilities.

I totally support the fact that one shouldn’t be subjected to pressure – and strongly believe that no hourglass should be attached to the act of marriage.

One can and should marry when he or she is ready for it. That is how it should be – but while we live in a society that links marriage to a woman's reproductive system, as if the sole purpose of marriage is to produce kids and not really to find companionship, there is little hope for change.

In the midst of all this, however, one very crucial aspect of our system is getting overlooked. And that is divorce!

The ‘Triple Trauma’ of a Divorce

While a lot of people are rightly questioning the social structure, the system and their implications, I find no one who talks about normalising divorce. Divorce is a reality and has become an integral part of our faulty system of marriage-under-pressure.

I too am a divorcee. But when I got divorced, I actually thought I was the only one who’d gone through this. Today, this is no longer an uncommon thing.

However, what has not changed over the years, is people’s perception of divorce. While people readily admit that divorce is common, apprehensions loom large – as if it were some grave punishment for a heinous crime, the consequences of which are to be borne by the divorcee forever. The divorcee is banished into exile.

All of this means the divorcee has to endure the trauma thrice! First, the situations that lead to the divorce, second, the divorce itself, and finally, the social exclusion. Why is it so hard to realise that people get divorced for varied reasons? Is it more advisable to hold on to a broken relationship, or is it better to choose a life of independence and dignity?

Women in Indian communities are most often discouraged to opt for the latter. But isn't divorce like any other split in a relationship? Then why is normalcy denied to a divorcee? Why are they treated with doubt or dislike, shame or pity?

The battle with depression after divorce is not an easy one – made even harder by judgmental attitudes.

Yet, as I discovered through my own experience, the difficulties faced by a divorced woman are far greater than those faced by a divorced man. A divorced man could very well be looked at as a potential groom again by parents who just want to marry their daughter off before her ‘biological clock’ stops ticking. A divorced woman, however? She is more often than not made to feel that her life isn’t normal anymore.

How My Ex-Husband and I Were Treated Differently

My life can be taken as an explicit example.

After our divorce, while my ex moved smoothly into a second marriage, I preoccupied myself with hobbies such as photography and blogging – parallel to developing my career. While a large number of our family and friends sympathised with the situation, they often did nothing more than feel sorry. In fact, the photographs that I’d clicked and displayed on our living room wall – or my blogging achievements – were all dismissed, through veiled references, as me having ‘too much time to spare’ now that I didn’t have a husband.

Not that I didn't try to find love again, but it took me a while to be open to the idea. Most men I met found a potential date in me, but not a lifelong partner or a spouse. I haven’t lost hope, however.

I often imagine – what if ours were a society where there was no timer to rule when you got married, na taboo attached to divorce, no difference between the way we looked at a man and a woman’s life? Wouldn’t that be a lovely society to live in?

Every human being deserves love, happiness and a normal life. All we need to do is change the way we think, just a little.

(Shreya Das is an architect and transportation planner (PhD). Her short marriage and divorce gave her new perspective and an opportunity to identify her passions. Today, she is also an entrepreneur, a blogger, a photographer and a ‘Toastmaster’ (public speaker). Shreya currently co-owns an infrastructure consultancy firm in Kolkata. Tweet to her @shreya_flyhigh)