Hey America, I’d Choose ‘Gau-Mutra’ Over Your “Healthy” Coca-Cola

Let’s help make America great again, not with Cola, but with our very own Gau-Mutra.

Image used for representational purposes.

(Photo: Erum Gour / The Quint)

Trust Coca-Cola to get it wrong again. Just as America was preparing to get high on the soon-to-be-launched cannabis-infused coke, the fizzy giant pulled an acchhe din on them.

Cannabis has to be the most exciting plant that has discovered mankind. As usual the female plant is the most productive and is a multi-tasking diva. Its many derivatives – marijuana, hashish, cannabis oil – have taken many a lost soul to elevated realms of ecstasy and awakening.

A Versatile Plant

Once stoned, individuals who haven’t laughed at themselves since the Big Bang, start seeing themselves as ridiculous. The constantly-outraged are able to let go of their constipation. The self-righteous finally realise they are insufferable buffoons and move to Mongolia in search of truth.

Such is the versatility of this plant, it often finds itself in brownies, lemonades, coffees, gastropub techniques and makes it magical.

Despite the platter of options they could have offered, trust Coke to pick the most boring Cannabidiol (CBD) and try to peddle it as a restorative drink!

Nincompoops.

Though I doubt this will make potheads froth at their mouths. They are just too stoned to give a damn. It’s not as if cannabis is not fraught with risks. Not only can the plant be male or female, it can be hermaphrodite as well. What if a hermaphrodite lands in the bottle of an anti-LGBT crusader and flushes out their bigotry and unfounded fears! Can you imagine the implications of a world that minds their own business, where hate and strife become outdated?

Just the very thought makes me shiver with dread.

A Few Sips of Bull-Shittery

Dear America, is that getting your knickers in a twist? No worries. We Indians have come up with the Maa of all drinks. It’s frothy, golden yellow and brimming not only enzymes but also maa-zymes and bull-zymes. All you need is to take a few sips to become proficient in bull-shittery. A few bottles later, you will not only insulate yourself from cancer, nuclear radiation and intelligent thinking, but anyone who sniffs your armpits. What’s more, it’s available on Amazon.

Don’t want to pay shipping charges? No worries again. You can even make your own. Just let go of filet mignon, sirloin and rumps, and you get to have your microbrewery on four legs, right outside your house.

All you need to do is keep her well-hydrated, and you will have a steady supply of the golden elixir. Have it warm and fresh, or chilled overnight. Remember to get yourself an extra fridge so that the sanctity of the holy product isn’t compromised.

If you don’t, you might just have a gau-rakshak land up at your place for lynch.

After a few weeks of gaumutra, you will start emitting a bright halo of virtuosity. If a stupid neighbour mistakes you for a UFO, smack them hard on the head before screaming – Go to Pakistan. Since Trump has failed at making America great again, isn’t it time gaumutra takes over?

Hey Coca-Cola, you really need to up your game. Cannabis-laced Coke is too meh.

Disclamer: Coca-Cola Statement

We have no interest in marijuana or cannabis. Along with many others in the beverage industry, we are closely watching the growth of non-psychoactive CBD as an ingredient in functional wellness beverages around the world. The space is evolving quickly. No decisions have been made at this time.”

(A teacher not so long ago, Purba Ray took to writing on a whim after leaving her job. Has an opinion on nearly everything, fact or fiction, beginnings or ends, light or heavy, long or short. She tweets at @Purba_Ray. This is an opinion piece and the views expressed above are the author’s own. The Quint neither endorses nor is responsible for the same.)