You may Dance on a Train Like SRK but Never #MakeOutInIndia

Why is it that in India, you may pee, spit and ride a bullock cart in the city, but never kiss?

Shah Rukh Khan and Malaika Arora Khan dancing atop a moving train is one of the many crazy things you can do in India – EXCEPT PDA. (Photo Courtesy: YouTube screengrab)

We are a conservative country when it comes to expressing or demonstrating love. There are many things that you can do in public in Mumbai for instance, but hugging, holding and kissing are taboo because it offends the self appointed keepers of our morals, the police.

Section 110 of the six-decade old Mumbai Police Act allows the police carte blanche to decide what behaviour it deems “offensive”. It also permits any policeman, including a constable, to book and arrest a person for “indecent behaviour in public” if it occurs in his sight.

But here’s what’s mystifying. There’s a whole catalogue of indiscretions that one can engage in, in public, unencumbered by our friends in the khaki – but hug or plant a kiss on your lovers’ forehead? The danda will strike you with a force that will make you remember your long forgotten dead ancestors.

What the state does not allow you, it compensates for in other ways. Therefore, here’s a list of some of the things you can do in public (except PDA) that wouldn’t raise the bushy eyebrow of your friendly neighbourhood policeman.

1. PDP: Public Display of Phlegm

This is mystifying: the state has no problems with you vacating your lungs in public. (Photo: iStock)

You can draw up the contents festering inside your lungs (commonly known as phlegm) whenever the need arises and spit it out over a variety of spaces such as pavements, roads, gardens, heritage structures, monuments, statues et al. Vacating your lungs is good for you and the state wants nothing more than to see you in the pink of your health.

2. PDU: Public Display of Urination/Urine

You may micturate with abandon in public – and this especially applies if you are male. Feel free to operate on the principle that when nature calls, one must immediately respond. If the occasion calls, you can choose to relieve yourself around women you find desirable. This will help you to proudly display your family jewels without the impediment of a danda striking you. Beware of mobile cameras though, because a smart girl may take offense and report you to the cops with the picture as proof.

3. Jaywalking with One of Your Own Sex

Surprisingly enough, walking with one of your own sex is never really looked at with suspicion by the police – YET. (Photo: iStock)

If you are a male, you may hold hands with another male and jaywalk. This is normal in our country and is never looked at with suspicion or considered offensive. Remember that the cops only object to members of the opposite sex holding hands, never the same sex.

4. Crossing Without a Worry

Wait for the signal to turn green? You must be joking. (Photo: iStock)

Cross a busy road without waiting for the signal to turn green. This is considered normal all over the country and if you are the adventurous sort then by all means, you must give this a shot. The traffic police too will think nothing of it because there is no money to be made by fining pedestrians.

5. Riding a Bullock Cart in the City

It is perfectly acceptable to ride a bullock cart in the middle of a crowded Indian city. (Photo Courtesy: YouTube screengrab)

Should you want to embrace the rustic in you or invite an uncle from the hinterland to come visit, do not hesitate. Bovine animals, with or without carts, are very welcome on our roads. On another occasion, you may choose to dance in front of your best friend’s friend’s baarat like a lunatic and hold up the traffic. This is perfectly acceptable behaviour and even though it may prevent the odd ambulance to pass through do not let it bother you because, to quote Benjamin Franklin, “Death and taxes are both inevitable”.

6. Riding on Top of Trains

Where is it mandated that only Shah Rukh Khan and James Bond can ride on train tops? Surely not in OUR country! You may ride atop a chugging train whenever you please. This works well for those who fear a painful crossing over to the other side, for death by electrocution is also the surest and quickest way to go.

Just remember, love is bad. Refrain from showing it because it disturbs our people immensely to watch two lovers commune. If you can help it, remain virgins because the cops will smoke you out of your hotel rooms even if you are consenting adults – particularly if you in the state of Maharashtra.

Love is a sin. Spit, phlegm, urine... everything else is not.

(Shunali Khullar Shroff is a freelance writer, blogger and author of the bestselling book ‘Battle Hymn of a Bewildered Mother’, published by Hay House in 2015.)