QSatire: Dear Earth-like Planet, You’re Soon Going to be Invaded

Dear Earth-like planet Kepler-452b, be prepared to be used and abused by Indians.

Arvind Kejriwal, Rahul Gandhi and Lalit Modi are all set to go to Kepler-452b. ( Photo: This image has been altered by The Quint)

1,400 light years away, in the Cygnus Constellation, lies an Earth-like planet, Kepler-452b which might harbour life. Planet Earth, this is your time to rejoice.

But dear inhabitants (if you exist) of Kepler-452b, be prepared to be invaded soon by Indians. Just look at Earth and you’ll know why we’re warning you so well in advance.

We at The Quint decided to give you guys a heads-up on the first lot of Indians who are likely to move base to your oh-so-green-beautiful planet. Enjoy all the serenity till it lasts!

Rahul Gandhi – Into The Wild

Like any other bachelor, Rahul Baba too has started looking at possible destinations to celebrate New Year’s Eve. And what better place, private and peaceful, away from media glare, than Kepler-452b? Unfortunately, RaGa is still trying to figure out flight options. Once he sorts that out, he’s good to go. 

Arvind Kejriwal – AAP Ka Hukum Sar Ankhon Pe

Poor Mr Arvind Kejriwal has been finding it difficult to work efficiently, thanks to our prime minister. Clearly, this is not the place for him. The common man’s chief minister is now considering shifting operations to Kepler-452b, and do good for the common Keplerian. All the best folks!

Lalit Modi – Merchant of Dreams

For an exiled former Chairman and Commissioner of the Indian Premier League, Lalit Modi life’s good. Not only are Chennai Super Kings and Rajasthan Royals suspended for two years, but also there now exists an Earth-like planet.

Who needs Sushma Swaraj for a visa now? He’ll head to Kepler-452b and rebuilt his lost dream with the Kepler Premier League. He might just name it LMAO (Lalit Modi Always Overpays).

Giriraj Singh – Temple Run

On Earth, Giriraj Singh had a small dream. A dream to built a Ram Mandir. But alas, his dream didn’t quite materialise. Why? Because apparently there aren’t enough Ram bhakts. So Singh has decided to head to Kepler-452b to inspire an entire population of Ram bhakts.

LK Advani – Chalo Dildar Chalo Chand Ke Par Chalo

When it comes to political relevance, LK Advani has not been performing too well in the recent past. But he is all determined to get his rath yatra mojo back. The pioneer of rath yatras, Advani will soon launch another one at Kepler-452b. Dear Keplerians, gear up for some chariot fun.

Robert Vadra – No Man’s Land

Now, why would Robert Vadra leave this planet and go to Kepler-452b? What does Kepler-452b has that Earth doesn’t

Land, duh!

The next time you wish for dharti ka bojh (the world’s burden) to reduce, do consider that it would have gone down quite a bit with all these departures!