How the F*** Do You Swear and Get Away With It?

Is your mummy listening? Here’s what you can say instead of the ‘unforgivable’ F-word!

We get it, swearing is cathartic and makes you feel better. But you’ve got to learn how to get away with it. (Photo: The Quint/Lijumol Joseph)

Let’s face it, when J K Rowling suddenly pencilled in a bumptious Molly Weasley, hair flying, wand flashing and screaming – “Not my daughter, you bitch!” – you were more than a little taken aback. We’re not saying you shouldn’t have been. Probably for the right reasons too – I mean Bellatrix Lestrange was trying to do away with dear Ginny Weasley, hello?

What Rowling effectively managed with that one cuss word – used for the first time in all of Harry Potter history – was to shatter your comfort in a world previously quite saccharine. It was like eating a whole chocolate fudge sundae and finding an jalapeno pepper at the end. In essence? The cuss word shocked.

But it also made you sit up and realise that really, J K Rowling was quite right. That Bellatrix Lestrange was a bitch.

And that’s just what cuss words do – give people great gulping releases to the spring-wells of their emotions. Emotions that are best expressed in the choicest a-words, f-words and c-words in history.

Having been an ardent fan of the f-word, I’ve often found it difficult to censor myself in front of an audience that is not quite – er – used to it. Think Uber cab late at night. Or grandmothers’ reunions at second cousin’s bar mitzvah. Or disapproving parents after you got off the phone.

Yes yes, it’s hard. So, we decided to help you out and came up with our own manual on how to swear and – here’s the fun part – get away with it!

1. Say ‘Duck’, ‘Rotiya’ and ‘Manhole’ Instead

Need we explain this? If you’re anyone who’s prone to great emotional outbursts (outbursts could be brought about by anything from a Bigg Boss eviction to a missing toe nail), you know you’ve often had to bite down the urge to swear. You just want to rise and give gaalis for all the world’s catharsis.

Except, you can’t. Thanks to unfortunate presence of prissy aunt. Or inching-his-ear-back cab driver. So, here’s what you can do instead – use the age-old totkas of similar sounding expletives. Ever play dumb charades? Get creative. Say ‘Duck’ for – er, your favourite. ‘Rotiya’ for the nukkad-gully favourite, ‘manhole’ for er, that manhole of a date who never showed. Get creative, peeps.

2. Take a Cue From Ross and Monica

Oh, how we related to Ross and Monica when they told us of not being able to use “the finger” in front of their parents! And this was the 90s, people. So what’d they do instead? Fish deep into their collective geniuses and come up with a hand gesture. THIS is what it looked like:

Go out on a limb here. Use hands, legs, eyebrows – what have you. We’re guessing if you have a sibling your job is half done. My sister does this knuckle in the air thing that would put Virat Kohli to shame.

Which brings me to my third vishesh tippani...

3. Be Virat Kohli

We’re sorry, that place is already taken. Can you imagine a cooler spot to swear than right under the floodlights in front of an ‘enemy’ the country’s already rooting against? You’re already swearing on everybody’s behalf. Get a century to boot and you’ve effectively shut up the naysayers too.

And it must help that your girlfriend’s gone on record to say, “He’s pretty aggressive.” Yup, so that’s done. You couldn’t be Virat Kohli, of course – but you can work yourself up to an image where people just expect you to be spewing expletives like Good-morning greetings. Good luck.

4. Say That High-Brow Shit No One Gets

I’m afraid we’re all guilty of that one. Who amongst us hasn’t said “You drown in your own pool of ignorance” ever so sweetly to an unworthy opponent? (ahem)

Get classy. There’s a sweet joy to be found in mouthing the filthiest of imprecations that no one gets. If you’re still stuck, there are whole lists available on the internet that compile several famous people saying lots of famous shit. Sample this: “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain.

And how’s this for the taking? – “I’d agree with you – but then, we’d both be wrong.”

Ouch.